Why a guide to blended families?
Stepfamilies are common. A Pew Research Center survey published in 2011 found that 42% of American adults had at least one step relative. Yet most couples go into stepfamily life with a map drawn for first-time families, and are surprised when it does not fit.
The psychologist Patricia Papernow, whose research and clinical work have shaped much of what is known about stepfamilies, describes them as a fundamentally different family form, with its own predictable challenges. Seeing those challenges named often brings relief. The trouble in your house may be less about who you are and more about the shape you are all living in.
This guide is written for couples, and for the adults in a stepfamily on their own: parents, stepparents, and partners in the middle. It does not assume any one family shape. Some of you are married and some are not; some have children in both households, some have one partner's children full time and the other's on weekends.
Getting started
If you are new to stepfamily life, or wondering why it feels so much harder than you expected, start with why blended families are hard. It walks through Papernow's five stepfamily challenges, from insider and outsider positions to the ex who remains part of the family.
How long it takes a stepfamily to feel like family sets realistic expectations about time, drawing on Papernow's Stepfamily Cycle and on later research showing that families follow different paths. If you are still planning, moving in together with kids covers what to tell the children and what to settle as a couple first.
Stepparenting
The stepparent's position is often the loneliest in the house. The stepparent's role and discipline explains why most stepfamily experts advise connection before correction, and what a stepparent can do about house rules in the meantime.
For the harder moments, when stepchildren reject you looks at why children push a stepparent away and what research on positive stepfamily relationships suggests. Stepparenting teenagers deals with the age group that tends to find a new stepfamily hardest, and feeling like an outsider in your own home speaks to the stepparent who feels left out of the family they joined.
The couple
Stepcouples face pressures that first-time couples do not, often from the very start. Protecting your marriage in a blended family looks at how to keep the relationship strong when there is rarely time alone. Arguing about the kids in a blended family addresses the fight many stepcouples have most often, and money in blended families covers child support, shared costs and the questions about fairness that come with them.
If your arguments feel stuck in general, the communication in relationships and conflict and resentment guides go further into patterns that are not specific to stepfamilies.
Exes, holidays and getting help
A stepfamily includes people who do not live in the house. Co-parenting with an ex in a blended family looks at the relationship between households, and holidays and custody schedules covers the calendar that so often turns celebrations into negotiations. Counseling for blended families explains what counseling for stepcouples and stepparents usually involves.
Where counseling fits
Many stepcouples find it hard to talk about stepfamily stress without it turning into a fight about whose side each person is on. Counseling can slow those conversations down and help both of you see the pattern rather than each other as the problem. Either partner can start alone.
Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults. She works with couples and individuals on blended family and stepfamily stress. Her work is with the adults, the parents, stepparents and partners, rather than with children. Read about couples counseling and individual counseling, or contact Laura with questions.
Couples counseling is not appropriate where one partner is afraid of the other. If there is abuse, threats or control in the relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you think through safety. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911, and in an emotional crisis call or text 988.
Common questions
What is the hardest part of a blended family?
It varies, but many couples say it is the gap between the parent's long bond with their children and the stepparent's brand-new one. Patricia Papernow calls this the insider and outsider position and describes it as the first of five stepfamily challenges. Disagreements about discipline, loyalty conflicts for the children and the relationship with an ex are close behind.
Can Laura see our whole blended family together?
Laura Bass works with adults, so her work is with the couple, a parent or a stepparent rather than with children. Many families find that a change in how the adults handle stepfamily life is where the most progress happens. If you are wondering whether an adult stepchild could ever join a session, contact Laura to ask.
Is it normal for a blended family to struggle?
Yes. Stepfamily researchers describe the early period as confusing for nearly everyone, and in Papernow's research even the faster families took several years to feel settled. Struggling does not mean the family will not work. It usually means you are in the part of stepfamily life that most families pass through on the way.