What is grief, and is what I am feeling normal?
Grief is what happens when we lose someone or something we were attached to. It is usually strongest after a death, but people also grieve divorces, health, jobs, pregnancies, friendships and the future they expected. There is no correct way to do it, and most of what grieving people worry about, from numbness to sudden laughter to anger at the person who died, is common.
It is also more physical, more mixed and less tidy than most people expect. The National Institute on Aging notes that grieving people often have trouble sleeping, little interest in food, problems concentrating and a hard time making decisions. Cleveland Clinic describes emotions that arrive in waves, and mixed feelings such as relief alongside sadness.
This guide is written for adults who are grieving, and for people who love them. It does not set a timetable, and it does not treat grief as something to get over. If you want a short essay first, the practice's Resource Center piece Grief does not run to a schedule is a good place to start.
Understanding grief
The first three pages look at grief itself. What grief feels like walks through the emotional and mental side: the yearning, the fog, the guilt, the moments of ordinary happiness that can feel like betrayal.
The stages of grief, and what came after explains where the famous five stages came from, why grief researchers have moved away from them, and the ideas that took their place, including the dual process model and continuing bonds. If you have been worried that you are grieving in the wrong order, start there.
Grief in the body covers sleep, appetite, exhaustion and the heart, including the rare but real stress-related heart condition sometimes called broken heart syndrome, and when a physical symptom needs a doctor rather than patience.
Different losses, different grief
Who died, and how, shapes what grief asks of you. Losing a spouse or partner often means losing a daily companion, a shared history and a whole household system at once. Losing a parent as an adult is common and expected, which is exactly why its weight is often underestimated, including by the person grieving.
Grief after a sudden death looks at the shock, the unanswered questions and the traumatic edge that can come with an accident, overdose, suicide or unexpected medical death. Anticipatory grief is the grief that starts before a death, during a long illness or dementia.
Some losses are not recognized by the people around you, such as the death of an ex, a pregnancy loss or a friend others did not know about. Disenfranchised grief is the name for that. And prolonged grief explains the point at which intense grief that has not eased may need more than time.
Living with loss
Grief does not stay at home. The first holidays after a loss offers ways to plan for birthdays, anniversaries and the calendar of family gatherings. Helping someone who is grieving is for friends, partners and coworkers who want to say and do something useful.
If faith is part of how you are grieving, or part of what the loss has shaken, grief and faith looks at that directly. If a death has come on top of looking after an ill parent, caring for aging parents may also help.
Where counseling fits
Most bereaved people get through with the support of family, friends and their community, and do not need therapy to grieve. Counseling is worth considering when grief stays at full strength without any easing, when you cannot manage ordinary life for a long stretch, when guilt or the way someone died keeps pulling you back, or when you simply have nowhere else to say what you are feeling. Grief counseling: what to expect describes what sessions usually involve.
Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults, and grief is one of the things people bring to her. Grief counseling with Laura is part of individual counseling, and couples can come together when a loss is affecting both partners. You can read about her psychotherapy practice or ask Laura whether it would be a good fit.
Grief can bring thoughts of not wanting to go on, or of wanting to be with the person who died. If you are in danger, call 911. For crisis support in the US, call or text 988, any time of day or night.
Common questions
How long does grief last?
There is no set length, and grief is not something most people finish. What usually changes is how much of life it takes up. For most people the intense pain eases gradually, with harder days around anniversaries and holidays. The American Psychiatric Association's definition of prolonged grief disorder in adults requires that at least a year has passed since the death, and grief that has not softened by then deserves attention.
Do I need grief counseling, or is this normal?
Most grief is normal, even when it is very painful, and most people do not need therapy to get through it. Counseling can still help if you want space to talk without protecting anyone, if grief is getting in the way of work or relationships, or if it is tangled with guilt, trauma or an older loss. You do not need to wait for a set amount of time to pass before asking for support.
Is grief only about death?
No. People grieve divorce, the end of a friendship, infertility and pregnancy loss, a diagnosis, a job, a home or a version of their future. Those losses can be just as painful and are often less recognized by others. This guide focuses mostly on bereavement, but much of it applies to other losses, and the life transitions guide covers several of them in more detail.