Why does losing a parent hurt so much, even as an adult?
A parent is often the longest relationship we have. Even in adulthood, a mother or father may be the person who remembers you as a child, the one you call with news, the keeper of family stories, or simply a fixed point in the background of your life. When they die, that point is gone, and many adults are surprised by how unmoored they feel.
Because it is expected that parents die before their children, the loss is often treated as a normal part of growing older. Workplaces allow a few days off, friends check in for a week or two, and life is expected to carry on. The grief does not always go along with that schedule.
What does research say about losing a parent in adulthood?
Sociologist Nadine Marks and colleagues at the University of Wisconsin-Madison used a national survey that followed 8,865 US adults from 1987 to 1993. They found that a parent's death had measurable effects on adult children's psychological well-being and physical health. A father's death had more negative effects for sons than daughters, and a mother's death more negative effects for daughters than sons, and men's reactions showed up more in their reports of physical health. The authors concluded that the impact of losing a parent in adulthood should not be underestimated.
Those are average effects across many people. Your own grief will depend on the relationship, how your parent died, what else is going on in your life and how much support you have. But the research backs up what many adults feel: this is a significant loss, not a minor one.
After a long illness or years of caregiving
Many adults lose a parent after a long decline: dementia, cancer, heart failure, or simply the frailty of very old age. By the time of the death, they may have been grieving for a long time already, watching the parent they knew slip away. Anticipatory grief describes that experience. If you were a caregiver, caring for aging parents looks at what that period does to people.
When the death comes, relief is common: relief that the suffering is over, and relief from the constant worry and work. Guilt about that relief is common too, along with second-guessing medical decisions or wishing you had visited more. None of this means you did not love your parent. It often means you were carrying a great deal.
If your parent was in hospice care, ask about bereavement support. The National Institute on Aging notes that hospice teams can offer grief support to families, and that you can ask hospice workers for bereavement support even if hospice was not used before the death.
When the relationship was complicated
Not everyone had a loving parent. When a mother or father was critical, absent, addicted, abusive or estranged, grief can be confusing. People describe mourning the parent they never had, anger that now has nowhere to go, relief they feel ashamed of, or grief for a reconciliation that will not happen.
Others may not understand why you are grieving at all, or why you are not grieving more. That kind of unrecognized grief is common, and disenfranchised grief explores it. A complicated relationship tends to produce complicated grief in the same shape, and it deserves care rather than judgment.
How a parent's death changes the family
A parent often holds a family together in ways nobody notices until they are gone. After a death, siblings may disagree about the funeral, the house, the belongings or the care of the surviving parent. Old roles and rivalries can resurface under stress. Some families grow closer; others find the strain lasts.
Several common shifts happen at once:
- A surviving parent may now need more support, practical and emotional, while you are grieving too.
- Holidays and family traditions may lose their center, and someone has to decide whether and how to keep them.
- Settling an estate can bring old tensions to the surface, especially where a will is unclear or one sibling did most of the caregiving.
- Many adults describe a new sense of their own mortality, or of being the older generation now.
When your second parent dies
Losing the second parent can carry its own weight. People in their 40s, 50s and 60s sometimes describe feeling orphaned, even though the word feels strange at their age. The family home may be sold, the last link to childhood is gone, and there is no longer a parent to call. It is reasonable to grieve that, too.
Looking after yourself while you grieve a parent
Grief often has to share space with work, children, a partner and an estate. It helps to lower expectations for a while, accept practical help, and protect a little time to remember your parent on purpose rather than only in the gaps. Physical symptoms such as exhaustion or poor sleep are common; grief in the body explains why.
If grief stays intense and is not easing over time, or brings thoughts of not wanting to live, please reach out. In an emergency call 911, and for crisis support in the US call or text 988.
Grief counseling after losing a parent
Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults on grief as part of individual counseling. Counseling can be a place to talk about your parent honestly, the good and the hard, to sort through guilt or unfinished business, and to think about family changes without having to manage everyone else's feelings at the same time.
Read more about her psychotherapy practice, return to the grief and loss guide, or ask Laura whether grief counseling would help.
Common questions
Is it normal to be this upset about a parent's death when I am an adult?
Yes. Many adults are surprised by how hard a parent's death hits, even when it was expected and even when they are middle-aged with families of their own. A large US study found measurable effects on adult children's well-being and health after a parent died. Being an adult does not make the relationship less important, and there is no age at which this stops mattering.
Why do I feel relief after my parent died?
Relief is very common after a long illness, a painful decline or a period of intense caregiving. You may be relieved that your parent is no longer suffering and that the constant strain has ended. If the relationship was difficult, relief can come from that too. Feeling relieved does not cancel out love or grief, and guilt about it often eases when it can be said out loud.
How do I grieve a parent I was estranged from?
Often by allowing that grief to be mixed. You may grieve the parent you hoped for, the reconciliation that cannot happen now, or simply the finality, while also feeling anger or relief. Other people may not understand, which can make it lonelier. Talking with someone who will not judge the relationship can help you make sense of what you feel.
How can my siblings and I avoid fighting after a parent dies?
Not every disagreement can be avoided, but it helps to slow down decisions that can wait, put practical agreements in writing, and remember that each sibling had a different relationship with your parent and may grieve differently. A neutral executor, attorney or mediator can help with the estate. If old conflicts are taking over, individual counseling can help you decide how much to engage.