What this guide covers
Every couple disagrees. This guide is for the point where disagreement has become a problem in itself: the fights are constant, nothing ever gets resolved, or one or both of you are holding onto resentment that will not shift. Those three usually travel together. Fights that never settle leave grievances behind, and the grievances make the next fight start sooner and run hotter.
The pages draw on research about couples and conflict, much of it from John and Julie Gottman and the Gottman Institute, along with studies of stress, sacrifice and the effects of parental conflict on children. They are written to help you understand what is happening between you, not to decide who is right.
A related guide, communication in relationships, covers the underlying patterns in more depth: the Four Horsemen, stonewalling, the pursue-withdraw cycle and repair. This guide focuses on the conflict itself and what it leaves behind.
Fighting all the time
If it feels as though every conversation turns into an argument, start with why couples fight all the time. It looks at outside stress, tiredness and the way negativity can become a habit, and at why constant fighting is not, on its own, proof that a relationship is over.
Why small things turn into big fights explains what a towel on the floor or a late text can stand for, and how swallowed complaints come out all at once. How to stop a fight from escalating covers what to do in the moment: spotting the climb, recognizing flooding and taking a break that actually leads back to the conversation.
If the fights happen where children can see or hear them, fighting in front of the kids summarizes what research on parental conflict shows, why it matters how a fight ends, and what to say to children afterward.
Conflicts that never get resolved
Some arguments repeat because they are about lasting differences between two people; the Gottman Institute calls these perpetual problems, and the same argument over and over explains how couples learn to live with them. Many other arguments could be settled but are not, because of how the couple argues.
Why our arguments never get resolved looks at those process problems: arguing to win, persuading before understanding, never making a clear request, and agreements nobody checks. Solving a solvable problem together offers a step-by-step way through the problems that can be settled.
Compromise without losing yourself is for the partner who always seems to be the one who bends, and explains how to tell a core need from a preference. How to end an argument well covers what happens after the heat: pausing, reconnecting and talking a fight over once it is finished.
Resentment
Resentment is what unresolved conflict tends to turn into. Resentment in a relationship describes how it builds and why it matters, and how to let go of resentment looks at what letting go involves, and what it does not.
If you are on the other side of it, when your partner resents you is written for you. Old hurts that keep coming back covers grievances that resurface in every new argument, and the mental load and resentment looks at one of the most common sources: the invisible work of running a household falling mostly on one person.
Where counseling fits
Many couples try hard on their own and still find themselves in the same fights. A counselor can help you both see the pattern you are caught in, slow conversations down, and hear what each of you is actually asking for. When to get couples counseling for conflict goes through the signs, and is it too late for couples counseling addresses a fear many couples have before they begin.
Laura Bass works with couples in Charlotte, North Carolina, who fight constantly, cannot resolve conflict or carry resentment, and with individuals who want to work on their side of it. She does not decide who is right. You can read about couples counseling with Laura, read the practice's article on when couples consider counseling, or contact Laura with questions.
When conflict is not safe
Everything in this guide assumes two people who can disagree without being afraid of each other. If arguments involve threats, intimidation, control over money or movements, or any physical harm, that is abuse rather than conflict, and couples counseling is not appropriate. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are in an emotional crisis, call or text 988.
Common questions
Is it normal for couples to fight a lot?
Disagreement is normal, and stressful stretches bring more of it. What is worth attention is fighting that is getting more frequent or more hurtful, that never settles anything, or that leaves resentment behind. The pages in this guide help you tell which kind you are dealing with and what tends to help with each.
Can resentment in a relationship go away?
It can ease, but usually not by being ignored. Resentment tends to point to something that has not been dealt with, such as an unfair load, an apology that never came or a need that keeps being missed. Addressing that underlying issue, together where possible, is generally what allows resentment to loosen its grip.
Should we try to fix our conflict ourselves before counseling?
Many couples do, and the pages here are meant to help. If you have tried for a while and the same fights keep happening, or if contempt, withdrawal or resentment are growing, it may be worth getting help sooner rather than later. Either partner can also start counseling alone.