Why do couples keep having the same argument?
Couples usually have the same argument over and over because the argument is about a difference that is not going to change: one of you is tidy and one is not, one wants more time together and one needs more time alone, one saves and one spends. The Gottman Institute calls these perpetual problems, and reports that they make up 69% of relationship conflict.
A perpetual problem cannot be won, because there is no correct answer to which personality is right. So when a couple treats it as a problem one person needs to fix, they have the same conversation again and again, with the same result. The repetition is the clue.
Perpetual problems and solvable problems
The Gottman Institute divides relationship conflict into two kinds. Solvable problems are about a particular situation: who picks up the children on Thursdays, whether to go to your sister's for the holiday this year. They can be talked through and settled, and once settled they tend to stay settled.
Perpetual problems are grounded in lasting differences in personality or in lifestyle needs. They come up again because the difference behind them is still there. Choosing a partner, as the Gottman writers put it, means choosing a particular set of perpetual problems; any other partner would come with a different set.
The 69% figure is the Gottman Institute's own. Its article on the subject does not name the specific study behind it, so it is best read as a finding from the Gottmans' research program rather than an independent statistic. The broader point, that most couples carry a few long-running differences, is not controversial.
- Solvable: "We need to decide who is doing the grocery run this week."
- Perpetual: "You are always late and I am always early, and it makes both of us miserable."
- Solvable: "Should we replace the car now or next spring?"
- Perpetual: "You worry about money far more than I do."
What is gridlock?
Some perpetual problems sit comfortably in a relationship. A couple can joke about them, adjust around them, and bring them up without it turning into a fight. Others harden into what the Gottman Institute calls gridlock: the conversation goes nowhere, both people dig in, and each round leaves them more hurt and further apart.
Signs of gridlock include feeling rejected by your partner when the topic comes up, having the same conversation with no progress, feeling unable to compromise without giving up something essential, and a slow drift into emotional distance because talking about it is too painful.
Gridlock usually means that each partner has a hope, value or fear attached to their side of the issue that has not been fully said, or fully heard. The argument about being on time may really be about feeling respected, or about not wanting to feel controlled. As long as the conversation stays on the surface, neither person can give ground without feeling they are giving up something that matters.
How do you handle a problem that will not be solved?
The Gottman approach to perpetual problems is to move from trying to solve them to learning to talk about them. That sounds like a consolation prize, but most couples who manage long-running differences well are doing exactly this.
In practice, it tends to involve a few things.
- Naming it as perpetual. "This is one of our things" takes some of the charge out of it, because nobody is failing by not having fixed it.
- Asking what it means, not who is right. What does being on time represent for you? Where did it come from? What would it mean to give it up?
- Listening all the way through before responding. Listening so your partner feels heard covers why understanding needs to come first.
- Finding a temporary compromise, not a permanent verdict. Something both of you can live with for now, to be revisited.
- Keeping some humor and affection in the conversation. Couples who manage perpetual problems well tend to be able to smile about them.
When the repeating argument is really about something else
Sometimes a repeating argument is a stand-in. The fight about the dishes may be about feeling alone with the work of the household. The fight about the phone may be about feeling less important than whatever is on it. The fight about in-laws may be about loyalty.
A useful question when you notice the same argument coming round again is: what do I want my partner to understand that I do not think they understand yet? The answer is often not about the dishes.
It is also worth noticing how the argument usually starts and ends. If one person raises it sharply and the other shuts down, the pattern may be as much of a problem as the topic. The pursue-withdraw cycle describes one common version, and the Four Horsemen describes the habits that tend to make repeat arguments worse.
When a repeating argument is not ordinary conflict
Everything above assumes that both partners are safe to disagree. If the same argument always ends with one person afraid, threatened, controlled or hurt, that is not a perpetual problem to be managed. Couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse or coercive control. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential and costs nothing to call: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Common questions
Is it normal to have the same argument for years?
Very common, according to the Gottman Institute, which reports that most relationship conflict is about perpetual problems that do not get fully resolved. What matters more than whether the argument repeats is how it goes: whether you can talk about it with some warmth and understanding, or whether it leaves you both hurt and further apart each time.
How do I know if our problem is perpetual or solvable?
Ask whether it is about a particular situation or about who you each are. A decision about this weekend is usually solvable. A difference in how much each of you needs closeness, order, spontaneity or security is usually perpetual. If you have had essentially the same argument many times, with the same positions, it is probably the second kind.
Does a perpetual problem mean we are incompatible?
Not necessarily. The Gottman view is that every couple has perpetual problems, because any two people differ in lasting ways. Some differences are ones a couple can live with and even laugh about; some touch something so central that one or both partners cannot. Only the two of you can tell which kind yours is.
Can counseling help with an argument we cannot stop having?
It can help you both see what the argument is carrying and slow the conversation down enough to hear it. It cannot promise the difference will disappear. At Laura Bass Counseling in Charlotte, Laura's role is not to decide who is right. You can read about couples counseling with Laura or contact her.