What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from a conversation and stops responding: going quiet, looking away, picking up a phone, giving one-word answers, or walking out. It is one of the Four Horsemen, the patterns that relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman found most often predict a relationship in trouble.
Most stonewalling is not a strategy. The Gottman Institute describes it as usually happening when a person is flooded: overwhelmed physically and emotionally to the point where they cannot keep engaging. The silence is a way of trying to stop things getting worse, even though to the other partner it feels like being shut out.
What is flooding?
Flooding is the body's alarm system going off in the middle of an argument. Heart rate climbs, breathing speeds up, and stress hormones are released into the bloodstream. The Gottman Institute describes it as the same fight-or-flight response the body uses to escape danger.
In that state, the parts of thinking a hard conversation needs, like listening, taking another point of view, finding a bit of humor or noticing a repair attempt, become much harder to reach. People describe it as their mind going blank, or only being able to hear the attack in what is being said.
Some people flood more easily than others, and the same person may flood on one topic and not another. Gottman's writing notes that in his lab studies most stonewallers were men, but anyone can shut down, and it is more useful to notice who floods in your relationship than to assume.
- Your heart is pounding or your face feels hot.
- You feel an urge to leave the room or to stop talking.
- You can no longer really hear your partner, only rehearse your answer.
- You feel either numb or like you might say something you will regret.
How long should a break last?
The Gottman Institute recommends that a break from a flooded argument last at least 20 minutes, because that is about how long it takes for the body to physiologically calm down. The Institute's antidotes article also describes a study in which couples who were interrupted and given a half-hour break came back with lower heart rates and more productive conversations.
One Gottman Institute article suggests the break be at least 20 minutes but no more than 24 hours. Much shorter and the body has not settled. Much longer and the break can start to feel like the conversation is being avoided, which the other partner may experience as another form of shutting them out.
How to take a break that actually helps
A break helps when both partners understand it as a pause, not an exit. The difference is mostly in how it is announced and whether there is a return.
The Gottman Institute calls what happens during the break physiological self-soothing. The aim is to calm the body, not to win the argument in your head.
Before you step away
Say that you are overwhelmed, not that the conversation is over. Something like: "I'm getting flooded and I can't hear you properly right now. Can we take 20 minutes and come back to this?" Many couples agree on a short signal ahead of time, in a calm moment, so that either person can use it without it sounding like a dismissal.
During the break
Do something that genuinely calms you: a walk, slow breathing, music, reading, a shower. Avoid replaying the argument or composing better comebacks. The Gottman Institute specifically warns against thoughts of righteous indignation during a break, because they keep the body in alarm mode.
Coming back
Return when you said you would, or say when you will. The partner who calls the break is usually the one who needs to restart the conversation, since that is what makes it safe for the other partner to agree to breaks in future. Starting again gently helps; see how to have a hard conversation with your partner.
If you are the one being stonewalled
Being met with silence when you are trying to be heard is painful, and it tends to make people push harder. That is understandable, and it usually makes the flooding worse. This push-then-retreat loop is common enough to have its own name: the pursue-withdraw cycle.
What tends to help is noticing the signs of flooding in your partner, slowing down rather than raising the volume, and agreeing to the break if they ask for one, on the understanding that they will come back. It also helps to look at how the conversation began, because a harsh start makes flooding more likely. The Four Horsemen describes that link.
When silence is not shutting down
Stonewalling under stress is different from silence used deliberately to punish, frighten or control a partner, such as refusing to speak for days until the other person gives in. That can be part of a pattern of emotional abuse or coercive control, and it is not something couples counseling is designed to address. Couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse or coercive control.
If that sounds familiar, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential and costs nothing to call: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Common questions
Is stonewalling a form of abuse?
Usually not. Most stonewalling is a stress response: someone is flooded and withdraws because they cannot keep going. Silence becomes a concern when it is used on purpose to punish or control, for example refusing to speak until the other person apologizes or gives in, or as one part of a wider pattern of intimidation. If you are unsure, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can talk it through confidentially.
What should I say when I need a break?
Keep it short and make it clear you are coming back. For example: "I'm overwhelmed and I don't want to say something unfair. Can we stop for 20 minutes and pick this up after?" Agreeing on a phrase or signal in a calm moment makes it easier to use during an argument without it sounding like you are walking out.
What if my partner never comes back to the conversation?
Then the break has turned into avoidance, and it is worth raising that directly at a calm time rather than mid-argument. Some people have learned that difficult conversations are dangerous or pointless, and the pattern runs deep. If it keeps happening, couples counseling can help both of you understand it. Laura Bass works with couples in Charlotte; see couples counseling.
Does taking a break mean avoiding the problem?
Not if you return. The Gottman Institute's guidance is that a break during flooding makes it possible to have a more productive conversation afterward, because both people can think again. Avoidance is when the break has no end and the topic never comes back. The return is what makes the difference.