What is a repair attempt?
A repair attempt is anything one partner says or does during a tense conversation to stop it getting worse. The Gottman Institute defines it as any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. It can be an apology, a joke, a change in tone, a hand on an arm, or simply "Hang on, this is going badly. Can we try again?"
The idea comes from psychologist John Gottman's research observing couples in conflict. He found that couples who stayed together still argued, and still sometimes criticized or got defensive. What they did more reliably was repair. The Gottman Institute describes consistent failure of repair attempts as a sign of an unhappy future, and says relationships can survive the Four Horsemen if partners learn to repair.
What do repair attempts look like?
Most couples already have repair attempts, even if they have never called them that. The Gottman Institute's Repair Checklist groups common phrases into kinds, such as saying how you feel, apologizing, finding agreement, and calling a pause. Some examples in the same spirit:
Notice that none of these require winning the argument or dropping the topic. A repair changes how the two of you are talking, not what you are talking about. Many couples find that the most effective repairs are private ones: a phrase, a nickname or a gesture that means something only to them, and that both partners have agreed ahead of time to treat as a signal to slow down.
- Saying what you feel: "I'm getting defensive." "That hurt my feelings." "I'm starting to feel scared."
- Owning your part: "I think I started this badly." "You're right about that part." "I'm sorry, that came out harsher than I meant."
- Finding common ground: "We both want the same thing here." "Let's find a compromise." "Your point makes sense."
- Calling a pause: "Can we take a break?" "Let's start over." "I need a minute to calm down."
- Reconnecting: a gentle joke, a smile, reaching for a hand, "I love you, and I'm frustrated."
Why do repair attempts get missed?
A repair only works if it lands. The Gottman Institute makes the point that couples who do well are not necessarily more skillful at repair; their repairs get through to their partner. The same joke can defuse one argument and inflame another.
Several things make repairs harder to hear.
Flooding
When someone's body has gone into a stress response, they may not register a repair attempt at all, or may hear it as dismissive. That is why taking a named break is itself a repair. Stonewalling and shutting down explains flooding and how long a break should last.
Low goodwill
If a relationship has been through a long stretch of criticism or distance, a partner may read a repair as manipulation or as a way to end the conversation without dealing with it. Repairs land more easily when there is a store of everyday warmth and appreciation outside arguments.
Repairs that come with a sting
"Fine, I'm sorry you feel that way" is technically an apology but lands as a dig. So does a joke at the other person's expense. A repair needs to lower the temperature for both people, not score a final point.
How to get better at making and accepting repairs
The Gottman Institute suggests making repair more deliberate when things are tense: using clear, agreed phrases rather than hoping a subtle signal will be noticed. Some couples use a shared word or gesture that means "we're sliding, let's stop."
Just as important is the other half: accepting a repair when it is offered, even if it is clumsy. That can mean pausing when your partner says "can we start over," even if you had more to say, or taking a partial apology as a step rather than rejecting it for being incomplete. You can always return to the topic.
It also helps to talk about repair when you are not fighting. What helps you calm down? What makes you feel dismissed? Which of your partner's attempts have you missed? Those conversations are easier after a good day than after a bad one.
- Agree on one or two repair phrases or signals in advance.
- Use repair early, before either of you is flooded.
- Accept repairs even when they are imperfect; you can come back to the issue.
- Follow up later: "Thank you for stopping us last night."
- Start hard conversations gently, which leaves less to repair. See how to have a hard conversation.
Repair after bigger ruptures
Repair attempts in Gottman's sense are about the moment-to-moment work of keeping an argument from spiraling. Bigger breaches, such as an affair, need a different and longer kind of repair, with honesty, accountability and time. If that is where you are, see forgiveness after infidelity and the other infidelity recovery pages.
When apologies are part of a harmful pattern
In an abusive relationship, apologies and affection after an incident can be part of a cycle rather than a repair: harm, apology, calm, then harm again. Accepting repairs is good advice between equals; it is not advice to accept apologies for violence, threats or control. Couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse or coercive control. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Common questions
What is an example of a repair attempt?
Anything that tries to stop an argument getting worse. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong." "Can we start over?" "I'm getting overwhelmed, can we take a break?" A small joke that both of you find funny, or reaching for your partner's hand. The best repairs are the ones your particular partner recognizes and can respond to, which is why it helps to agree on some in advance.
What if my partner rejects my repair attempts?
First, check whether they are flooded, since a person in that state may not be able to take in a repair. Suggest a break and come back later. If repairs are rejected consistently, even in calm moments, it may point to a deeper build-up of hurt or mistrust that needs attention in its own right, sometimes with a counselor's help.
Is a repair attempt the same as an apology?
An apology is one kind of repair, but not the only kind. Humor, a softer tone, agreeing with part of what your partner said, or calling a pause are all repairs. And a repair attempt does not have to mean conceding the argument. It means caring more, for a moment, about how the two of you are talking than about who is winning.
Can counseling help if repairs never seem to work?
It can help you both see what gets in the way, and practice with someone slowing the conversation down. Laura Bass works with couples in Charlotte; her role is not to decide who is right, and she does not promise counseling will save a relationship. See couples counseling with Laura or get in touch.