What does it mean for your partner to feel heard?
Your partner feels heard when they believe you understand what they are saying and why it matters to them. That is not the same as agreeing, and it is not the same as fixing. Many arguments about "you never listen" happen between two people who are paying close attention, but who are each waiting to explain, correct or solve rather than trying to understand.
The simplest test is whether you could describe your partner's view, and the feeling behind it, in a way they would say is right. If you could not, or if you would add "but" at the end, there is probably more listening to do before you respond.
Why understanding has to come before advice
The Gottman Institute summarizes one of John Gottman's rules for intimate conversation as: understanding must precede advice. Its writers describe offering solutions or advice before a partner feels understood as counterproductive, because it tells the person that their feelings are a problem to be dispatched rather than something to be understood.
This is especially common when one partner is trying to be helpful. You hear that your partner is stressed about work and suggest what to do about their manager. You mean care; they hear "stop feeling this." If they want advice, they will usually take it far better once they feel understood, and they can always ask for it.
There is a version of this for the partner doing the talking, too. It helps to say what you are hoping for at the start: "I just need to get this off my chest" or "I would really like your thoughts on this." Neither partner can read minds, and a clear request saves a lot of misunderstanding. The Gottman Institute suggests a regular stress-reducing conversation about each other's day, outside the relationship, in which the listener's job is simply to take their partner's side and show they understand.
Listening skills that help
The Gottman Institute describes three skills for intimate conversation: putting feelings into words, asking open-ended questions, and expressing empathy. The list below builds on those.
Give it your attention
Put the phone down, turn toward your partner, and let them finish. It sounds basic, but half-listening is one of the most common reasons people do not feel heard.
Ask open questions
Questions that cannot be answered with yes or no help your partner say more: "What was the hardest part?" "What are you most worried about?" "Is there more to it?" The last one is especially useful, because the first thing someone says is often not the most important.
Reflect back what you heard
Summarize in your own words and check: "So it sounds like the problem isn't the money itself, it's that you found out after I'd already decided. Is that right?" If you got it wrong, your partner can correct you, which is also useful.
Validate the feeling
Validation means saying what makes sense about how your partner feels, given how they see things: "I can see why that would feel dismissive." You do not have to share their view to recognize that their feeling is understandable.
Listening during an argument
Listening is hardest when the thing your partner is upset about is you. The natural reaction is to defend yourself, and defensiveness is one of the patterns the Gottmans found most damaging.
In the Gottman approach to conflict, drawing on the work of mathematician and peace researcher Anatol Rapoport, partners take turns as speaker and listener. The listener's job is to postpone their own point of view and any attempt at persuasion until they can state the speaker's position to the speaker's satisfaction. Only then do the roles switch. It is slow, and that is the point.
Some things that help the listener stay open:
- Take notes on what your partner is saying, so you are focused on understanding rather than rehearsing.
- Remind yourself that you will get your turn.
- Notice your body. If your heart is racing and you cannot take anything in, ask for a break. Stonewalling and shutting down explains why.
- Look for the part you can agree with, even if it is small.
- If a phrase stings, ask your partner to say it another way rather than reacting to the word.
What gets in the way
Some common habits make a partner feel unheard even when the listener means well: jumping to solutions, correcting the details ("it was Tuesday, not Wednesday"), turning the conversation to your own experience, minimizing ("it's not that bad"), and answering a feeling with a fact.
Listening also becomes much harder in a relationship with a lot of emotional distance or long-running hurt, because each person hears the other through the history. That is not a failure of skill, and it is often where couples counseling helps: a third person can slow things down enough for each partner to hear what is actually being said now.
Laura Bass works with couples in Charlotte. Her role is not to decide who is right; it is to make the conversation possible. She does not promise that counseling will save a relationship. See couples counseling with Laura.
When listening is not the issue
Everything here assumes a relationship between two people who are both safe to speak. If you are afraid of your partner's reaction when you speak, or they use what you say against you, better listening skills are not the answer. Couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse or coercive control. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Common questions
How do I make my partner feel heard without agreeing with them?
Separate understanding from agreement. You can say "I understand why you felt left out when I made plans without asking" without conceding every point. Reflect back what you heard, ask if you got it right, and say what makes sense about their feelings. When they feel understood, it is usually much easier for them to hear your side as well.
What if my partner just wants to vent and I want to help?
Ask. "Do you want me to just listen, or would ideas be useful?" is a simple question that avoids a lot of friction. If they want to vent, the Gottman Institute's advice is to take their side and show you understand, and hold back on advice. Solutions, if they are wanted at all, tend to be welcomed more once someone feels heard.
Why do I get defensive when my partner complains?
Because a complaint can feel like an attack, and defending yourself is a natural reflex. It helps to calm your body first, remind yourself you will get a turn, and look for the part of the complaint you can agree with. If your partner tends to start harshly, how to have a hard conversation may be useful for both of you.