Why do some arguments never get resolved?
Arguments that never get resolved usually fall into one of two groups. Some are about long-running differences in personality or needs that are not going to be settled once and for all. Others could be settled, but the way the couple argues about them makes it nearly impossible: each person is trying to win, neither feels understood, nobody makes a clear request, and the conversation ends in a stalemate or a slammed door rather than a decision.
This page is about the second group, the process problems. If your argument is the same one you have been having for a long time, about who you each are, read why we keep having the same argument, which explains perpetual problems and gridlock. The rest of this page is about the arguments that should be able to end.
Is it unsolvable, or are we just stuck?
The Gottman Institute reports that most relationship conflict, 69% in its figures, is about perpetual problems. Gottman Institute writers also report that John Gottman found nearly a third of conflicts can be resolved with the right approach. Those two numbers together are useful: a large share of your disagreements may never go away, but some of them really can be settled, and treating them all as hopeless is as unhelpful as treating them all as fixable.
A rough test: is this about a particular situation and a decision that could be made (where to spend the holiday, how to split the chores this month), or is it about a lasting difference between you (one of you is cautious with money and the other is not)? If it is the first kind and you still cannot settle it, the process is probably what is stuck.
Common reasons arguments stay unresolved
These patterns show up in many couples. Most couples have more than one.
Arguing to win
When each partner's goal is to be proven right, the argument can only end with a loser, and the loser has every reason to reopen it. Gottman Institute writers describe accepting influence, letting your partner's view genuinely affect the outcome, as central to managing conflict, and put it simply: if one partner is winning, both partners are losing. The Gottman Institute also reports, from John Gottman's research with newlyweds, that husbands who accepted their wives' influence had happier marriages and were less likely to divorce.
Persuading before understanding
Most arguments run as two simultaneous sales pitches. Each person repeats their case more forcefully because they do not feel heard, which makes the other person repeat theirs. A Gottman approach to conflict asks partners to take turns as speaker and listener and to set persuasion aside until each has stated their view clearly. Listening so your partner feels heard explains why understanding has to come first.
No one says what they actually want
Many arguments are full of complaints and empty of requests. "You never help" leaves your partner guessing what would count as helping. An argument cannot end with an answer if the question has never been asked. A concrete request ("Could you do bath time on weeknights?") gives the conversation something to land on.
Different goals for the same conversation
Sometimes one partner wants to be listened to and the other wants to fix the problem, or one wants a decision tonight and the other wants time to think. Both feel the conversation failed. Asking at the start ("Do you want me to help solve this, or just to understand it first?") can save a lot of frustration.
The fight stops but never finishes
Flooding ends many arguments before they reach a conclusion, and breaks that never lead back to the conversation leave issues open indefinitely. Some couples avoid hard topics altogether to keep the peace, which keeps the issue alive in a quieter form; see conflict avoidance in relationships. How to stop a fight from escalating covers how to pause in a way that leads back.
Agreements that do not hold
Sometimes a couple does agree, and the issue comes back a month later because nobody checked whether the agreement was working. A solution that is never reviewed tends to quietly lapse, and the original argument returns with an extra grievance attached.
What helps arguments reach an end
Changing the process does not mean becoming a different couple. It usually means a few deliberate habits, practiced on smaller issues first.
- Decide whether you are talking about a solvable problem or a perpetual difference before you start.
- Start gently, about one specific situation.
- Take turns: one person speaks, the other listens and summarizes, then switch. Hold off on persuasion until both feel understood.
- Each name what you need from the outcome, and which parts you can be flexible about. Compromise without losing yourself explains one way to do this.
- End with a specific, small agreement and a date to check how it is going. Solving a solvable problem together walks through these steps in order.
- If it was a hard conversation, talk afterward about how it went, not only about what was decided.
When unresolved arguments become resentment
Arguments that never resolve rarely stay neutral. Over time, the unsettled issues pile up into a general sense of being unheard or treated unfairly. Resentment in a relationship looks at how that builds, and old hurts that keep coming back covers grievances that resurface in every new fight.
If an argument cannot be resolved because one partner is afraid to disagree, or because disagreement leads to threats, punishment or control, that is not a process problem. Couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In immediate danger call 911, and in an emotional crisis call or text 988.
Common questions
Is it normal for couples to have arguments that never get resolved?
Yes. The Gottman Institute reports that most relationship conflict is about lasting differences that are managed rather than solved. What is less inevitable is leaving solvable problems open. If you cannot settle practical questions about chores, schedules or plans, the way you argue is likely what needs attention, and that is something couples can change.
What if my partner refuses to discuss things until they are resolved?
Some partners avoid conflict because it feels dangerous or pointless to them. It can help to ask for a short, scheduled conversation about one specific thing, with an agreed end time, rather than an open-ended talk. If your partner withdraws every time, the pattern itself may be worth addressing, possibly with a counselor.
Should we agree to disagree?
For a perpetual difference, agreeing to disagree with good humor is often the healthiest outcome. For a practical decision that affects you both, it can be a way of avoiding a choice that still needs making. The question to ask is whether something still needs deciding. If it does, agreeing to disagree only postpones the argument.
Can counseling help us resolve arguments?
Counseling can help you see the pattern that keeps your arguments open and practice a different process with someone keeping the conversation on track. It cannot decide your disagreements for you. Laura Bass works with couples in Charlotte, North Carolina, who cannot resolve conflict or let resentment go. Read about couples counseling or contact Laura.