Conflict avoidance: when a couple never talks about problems

What is conflict avoidance in a relationship?

Conflict avoidance is when one or both partners routinely steer around disagreement: not mentioning what bothered them, agreeing to things they do not want, changing the subject, or deciding something is "not worth it" again and again. The house is calm. Very little that matters gets said.

Couples in this pattern often describe themselves as people who "never fight." Sometimes that is genuinely fine. Sometimes it means that one or both of them has been quietly carrying disappointments, resentments or needs for a long time, and the relationship is calmer on the surface than it is underneath.

Is it bad if a couple never argues?

Not necessarily. In the Gottman Institute's description of couple types drawn from John Gottman's research, conflict-avoiding couples are one of three kinds of stable, happy couples, alongside validating and volatile couples. Conflict avoiders minimize attempts to persuade each other and focus on what they have in common. What the three happy types share, according to the Institute, is a ratio of about five positive interactions to every negative one, not a particular amount of arguing.

The same description notes the cost: conflict-avoiding couples also avoid expressing what they need from one another. If both partners are genuinely content with that, and the issues they avoid are minor, it can work. The trouble starts when one partner is not content, or when something serious is being avoided.

Research on couples conflict points the same way. In a 2017 review, psychologists Nickola Overall and James McNulty found that cooperative, low-key communication can help when problems are minor or cannot be changed, but that when couples face relatively serious problems, raising them directly was linked with better relationship quality over time. Indirect approaches, such as hinting or sulking, were generally ineffective at producing change.

Signs avoidance is costing you

• You rehearse conversations in your head that you never have.
• Small irritations have hardened into a background resentment you cannot quite explain.
• You talk to friends about the relationship more honestly than you talk to your partner.
• Decisions get made by default because neither of you wants to disagree.
• When something does come out, it comes out all at once, about many things.
• You feel lonely in a relationship with very little conflict. Emotional distance often travels with avoidance.

How is conflict avoidance different from stonewalling?

They can look similar, because in both cases one person is not engaging. They are different patterns, though, and they need different responses.

Stonewalling happens inside an argument. The conversation has started, it becomes overwhelming, and one partner shuts down because their body is flooded. The answer usually involves recognizing flooding and taking a real break.

Conflict avoidance happens before an argument. The conversation never begins, often because one or both partners has learned, sometimes from growing up in a loud or frightening home, sometimes from past fights in this relationship, that disagreement is dangerous or pointless. The answer usually involves making it safer and smaller to raise things at all.

A couple can have both: one partner avoids raising issues until they spill over, the conversation escalates, and the other shuts down. If one of you pushes and the other retreats, the pursue-withdraw cycle may also fit.

How to start talking about problems you usually avoid

Avoidant couples often believe that raising a problem means a big, painful conversation. The opposite habit tends to work better: raising small things early, briefly and kindly, so nothing has to build into a big conversation.

• Start small. Practice with a low-stakes preference ("I'd rather we left a bit earlier tonight") before the harder topics.
• Use a gentle start-up: one situation, one feeling, one request. How to have a hard conversation walks through it.
• Say what makes it hard. "I find it hard to bring things up because I don't want us to fight" is useful information for your partner.
• Agree that raising something is not an attack. Some couples set a short weekly check-in so problems have a regular, predictable place.
• Accept some discomfort. A few awkward conversations are usually less costly than months of silence.
• Thank your partner when they bring something up, even if it stings. It makes the next time easier.

When avoidance has a reason

Sometimes a partner avoids conflict because past disagreements went badly in ways that were frightening: shouting, threats, punishment, or being made to pay for speaking up. That is not a style to be coached out of. Couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse or coercive control. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are in crisis, call or text 988.

Where it is safe to disagree but hard to start, a counselor can help by giving the avoided topics a structured place. Laura Bass works with couples in Charlotte with serious communication problems, including couples who have stopped talking about what matters. She does not promise that counseling will save a relationship. You can read about couples counseling with Laura, and the conflict and resentment pages cover what happens when unspoken issues turn into resentment.

Common questions