How do you stop a fight from escalating?

How do you stop a fight from escalating?

You stop a fight from escalating by noticing the early steps of the climb and doing something different at that point: softening your tone, narrowing the topic, making a small repair, or, if either of you is already too worked up, taking a proper break and coming back later. The earlier you act, the less it takes.

The hardest part is that escalation feels like the other person's doing. It almost always takes two, which is good news: either of you can interrupt it. This page focuses on what to do in the middle of a fight. How to end an argument well covers what to do once it is over, and why small things turn into big fights looks at why some topics ignite so fast.

How a fight climbs

Escalation tends to follow a recognizable path. Learning to spot your own couple's version of it is more useful than any single technique, because you can only interrupt what you notice.

• A sharp opening. A complaint arrives as criticism of the person ("You never think about anyone else") rather than a description of a situation.
• A defensive reply. The other person counters, explains or returns a complaint of their own.
• The topic widens. Past grievances, in-laws and character come in. "You always" and "you never" appear.
• Volume and pace rise. People interrupt, talk over each other, and stop asking questions.
• Flooding. One or both of you are physically overwhelmed. Someone shouts, says the cruelest thing they can think of, or goes silent and leaves.

What can you do early in a fight?

The first few exchanges are the easiest place to change course. The Gottman Institute's research suggests that conversations tend to end the way they begin, so a gentler start is the single most effective form of prevention. Once you are in it, small moves count.

• Lower your voice deliberately. It is hard for the other person to keep shouting at someone speaking quietly.
• Go back to one topic. "Can we just talk about this weekend for now?"
• Agree with the part that is true. "You are right that I said I would call." Taking a small piece of responsibility often takes the heat out.
• Ask a question instead of making a point. "What is the worst part of this for you?"
• Use a repair attempt. A joke, a touch, "I am getting defensive, let me try again." Repair attempts explains why these work when they do, and why they get missed.
• Watch for the Four Horsemen. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are the usual accelerants; the Four Horsemen describes each and its antidote.

What is flooding, and why does it matter?

Flooding is the point where the body takes over. The Gottman Institute describes it as a stress response in which the heart races, stress hormones are released and the fight-or-flight system switches on. People who are flooded describe not being able to hear, think straight or remember what they meant to say. Some go on the attack; others shut down entirely.

Once one partner is flooded, good technique stops working. The flooded partner cannot take in a careful explanation or a heartfelt apology, and the conversation will usually get worse rather than better. That is why the most important skill in an escalating fight is recognizing flooding and stopping. Stonewalling and shutting down describes the link between flooding and withdrawal in more detail.

• Your heart is pounding or your face feels hot.
• You cannot follow what your partner is saying, or you are only waiting to reply.
• You feel an urge to shout, hit something or get out of the room.
• You have gone numb or blank.

How to take a break properly

A break is not the same as storming out or going silent. Done well, it is an agreed pause that both partners trust will end in a return. Gottman Institute writers recommend a break of at least 20 minutes, because the body takes roughly that long to calm down, and no longer than 24 hours before picking the conversation up again.

It helps to agree on how breaks work during a calm moment, before you need one.

• Agree on a signal. A word, a phrase or a hand gesture that either of you can use, and that means "I need a pause", not "I am done with you".
• Name it and say when you will be back. "I am flooded. I need 30 minutes, then I want to finish this."
• Separate physically if you can. A walk, another room, the car.
• Calm your body, not your case. Gottman Institute writers suggest something soothing or distracting: walking, slow breathing, music, reading. Replaying the argument or composing your rebuttal keeps you flooded.
• Come back. If you are still flooded when the time is up, say so and take another break. The return is what makes the next break trustworthy.

Coming back to the conversation

When you return, start smaller than where you left off. Acknowledge what happened ("That got heated, and I said some things I regret") and pick one piece of the issue to talk about. Often the fight that needed to happen turns out to be a much shorter conversation once both people are calm.

If the same topic escalates every time, despite breaks, it may be a long-running difference rather than a single disagreement. Why our arguments never get resolved looks at what keeps a fight from settling.

When escalation means danger

De-escalation skills are for disagreements between two people who are safe with each other. If arguments include threats, breaking things, blocking a doorway, grabbing, or any violence, or if you are afraid of your partner when they are angry, that is abuse rather than escalation, and couples counseling is not appropriate. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you plan for safety: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In immediate danger, call 911. In an emotional crisis, call or text 988.

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