When should a couple get counseling for conflict?

When is it time to get help with fighting?

A good rule of thumb is to consider couples counseling when your arguments have stopped going anywhere and you have run out of ideas. That might mean the same fight on a loop, fights that are getting meaner, or a growing number of subjects you both avoid because you know where they lead.

It does not need to be a crisis. Many couples come in because they are tired: of the tension, of walking on eggshells, of the distance that settles in after each argument. Others come because something specific has stirred up conflict, such as a new baby, a job loss, a move, or caring for a parent. For a broader look at how couples decide to start, see when couples consider counseling.

Signs your conflict has outgrown what you can fix alone

None of these alone means your relationship is failing. Together, or over a long stretch, they suggest the pattern has taken on a life of its own.

• You have the same argument again and again, with no progress. Why our arguments never get resolved explains why this happens.
• Small things blow up quickly, and it is hard to say afterward how it got so big.
• Fights include name-calling, mockery, eye-rolling or sarcasm. The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce among its Four Horsemen.
• One of you regularly shuts down, leaves or goes silent, and the other escalates to get a response.
• Neither of you can apologize or take responsibility without it turning into a new fight.
• Resentment is building, and it is becoming hard to remember why you liked each other.
• You argue in front of the children, or the children have started to react to the tension.
• You are spending more time apart, or confiding in someone else instead of your partner.
• One of you has started to wonder, privately, whether you want to stay.

Why couples tend to wait

Research suggests many couples delay. In a 2003 study of 147 married couples who were in the process of seeking marital therapy, Brian Doss and colleagues at UCLA noted that couples are generally reluctant to seek help until their problems become severe. They also found that partners move through recognizing the problem, considering therapy and actually seeking it at different speeds; in their sample, wives on average completed each step before husbands.

The reasons are familiar. People hope it will get better on its own, worry that counseling means admitting failure, fear what will be said in the room, or are not sure their partner will come. Waiting is understandable. The cost is that by the time many couples arrive, they are also dealing with the hurt and distance that the conflict has left behind.

If you notice that one of you has been thinking about counseling for a long time and the other has not yet seen the need, that gap is itself worth talking about. Saying plainly, at a calm moment, that you are worried about how your fights are going, and that you would like help, is often the hardest and most important step.

What if only one of us wants to go?

This is very common, and it is not a reason to give up on the idea. Sometimes a reluctant partner agrees to a single session to see what it is like. Sometimes it helps to describe the goal as fighting less, or understanding each other better, rather than fixing what is wrong with them.

If your partner will not come at all, individual counseling can still help you understand your part in the pattern, steady yourself during conflict, and think clearly about what you want. Laura offers individual counseling as well as couples work. If one of you is already leaning toward leaving, is it too late for couples counseling? looks at that situation.

What counseling for conflict usually involves

Couples counseling for conflict generally involves slowing your arguments down enough to see the pattern: what sets it off, what each of you does next, and what each of you is feeling and needing underneath. A counselor helps both people be heard and helps you practice new ways of raising complaints, responding and repairing. Approaches vary between counselors.

A 2012 review of couple therapy research by Jay Lebow and colleagues concluded that couple therapy helps a substantial majority of couples who receive it and that its effectiveness is comparable to individual therapy. That is a finding about couples in studies on average. It is not a prediction for any particular couple, and no counselor can promise a result.

When couples counseling is not the right step

If your conflict includes violence, threats, intimidation, monitoring, or control over money or where you go, or if you are afraid of your partner, couples counseling is not appropriate. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that abuse is not a relationship problem that joint therapy can solve, and that what is said in a session can be used against the person being abused. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you are in danger, call 911, and if you or your partner is in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988.

Common questions