Can it really be too late for couples counseling?
Sometimes, yes. If one partner has fully decided to leave and is not willing to reconsider, couples counseling aimed at repairing the relationship cannot work, because repair needs two people. But that is a narrower situation than most people fear. Many couples who feel it must be too late are exhausted, hurt and pessimistic, and still have more to work with than it seems in the middle of it.
The more useful question is usually not whether it is too late in general, but whether each of you is willing to try, and what each of you hopes for. Counseling cannot answer that for you, and no counselor can promise how things will turn out. It can help you find out.
It also helps to separate two questions that often get tangled together. One is whether the relationship can be repaired. The other is whether you both want to repair it. A couple can have a great deal of goodwill left and still decide to part, and a couple that feels empty right now can sometimes find more than they expected once the fighting slows down.
Why so many couples feel they have waited too long
Couples tend to seek help late. Researchers at UCLA, surveying couples who were in the process of seeking marital therapy, described a general reluctance to seek help until problems become severe, and found that partners reached the decision at different speeds. By the time a couple arrives, the original conflict often has years of resentment, distance and defensive habits layered on top.
That makes the work harder, not impossible. It also means that early sessions often have to deal with the accumulated hurt, and the hopelessness, before the original problems can be addressed. Feeling hopeless at the start is common, and it is not by itself a reliable sign of how things will go.
Signs a couple still has something to work with
There is no checklist that predicts the future of a relationship, but some things tend to give couples more to build on.
- Both of you are willing to come, even if one of you is more doubtful.
- You can still remember, and occasionally feel, what you liked about each other.
- Each of you can name at least something you might do differently.
- There is still some humor, kindness or shared concern, even if it is rare.
- You both care about the effect of the conflict on your children or your family, whatever happens.
Signs that make repair harder
Persistent contempt, which the Gottman Institute describes as the single greatest predictor of divorce among its Four Horsemen, makes repair harder, as does an ongoing affair, or one partner who has emotionally checked out and does not want to return. None of these is automatically the end. They are things to name honestly at the start, because they shape what counseling can realistically do. If infidelity is part of the picture, should I stay after infidelity? may help.
When one of you wants out and the other wants to stay
This is one of the most common situations behind the question. Family therapist William Doherty and colleagues at the University of Minnesota call these mixed-agenda couples: one partner is leaning toward divorce and the other wants to save the relationship. They note that such couples are common in practice, and that ordinary couples therapy can stall when only one partner is committed to it.
Their response is discernment counseling, a brief approach whose goal is not to fix the relationship but to reach clarity and confidence about next steps, based on a better understanding of each partner's contributions. Much of it happens in separate conversations with each partner. In an analysis of 100 consecutive cases they published, about half of the couples chose to start couples therapy in order to try to reconcile, and most of the rest chose the divorce path.
Whether or not you seek out that specific approach, the idea behind it is useful: before deciding whether to work on the relationship, it can help to slow down and understand how you got here and what each of you has contributed.
What counseling can offer if it is too late
Sometimes counseling helps a couple see that the relationship is over. That is not a failure of counseling. Couples who separate after a careful look tend to understand more about what happened, and many say they are better able to co-parent, divide a household and talk to their children without the same level of conflict.
Counseling can also help the partner who did not want the relationship to end, or who is left reeling, get their footing. If that is where you are, individual counseling and life after divorce may be more relevant now than couples work.
When the question is about safety
If you are asking whether it is too late because you are afraid of your partner, or because there has been violence, threats or control, couples counseling is not the right setting. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you are in danger, call 911. If the end of a relationship has left you or your partner in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988.
Common questions
How do I know if my marriage is beyond saving?
There is no reliable outside test. Signs that make repair harder include persistent contempt, an ongoing affair, and a partner who has firmly decided to leave. Signs that give more to work with include both partners being willing to try and some remaining warmth or shared concern. Often the honest answer only becomes clear after both of you have taken a careful look.
Is it worth going if my partner has already decided to leave?
Couples counseling aimed at repair needs both people. If your partner has firmly decided, it may not change the outcome. Some partners who are leaning out, though not fully decided, are willing to take a structured look at the relationship before deciding, which is the purpose of discernment counseling. Individual counseling can also help you cope, whatever your partner chooses.
Does couples counseling work when problems are long-standing?
Research reviews, including one by Jay Lebow and colleagues in 2012, have found that couple therapy helps a substantial share of couples who take part in studies. That is an average across many couples, not a forecast for yours. Long-standing problems often take longer to work through, and the outcome depends on much that no counselor controls.
How can I ask Laura whether she can help us?
Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with couples, including couples who are unsure whether to stay together, and with individuals. You can read about couples counseling with Laura and contact her to ask how she works with couples where one partner is leaning out.