What grief feels like, and why it can surprise you

What does grief feel like?

Grief feels different for everyone, but most people describe a mix rather than one emotion: a deep longing for the person who died, sadness, numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt and sometimes relief. The National Institute on Aging puts it simply: there are no rules about how you should feel, and no right or wrong way to mourn.

It also feels unpredictable. Cleveland Clinic describes grief emotions arriving suddenly, coming in waves, and notes that you may go through the day on autopilot. Many people are startled by how physical, how scattered and how changeable it is. If you are wondering whether what you are feeling is normal, the answer is very likely yes.

The feelings people do not expect

Most of us expect tears. Fewer people expect the rest of what grief can bring. These are some of the feelings grieving adults describe most often:

• Yearning: an ache to see, hear or touch the person again, sometimes so strong it feels like hunger.
• Numbness: feeling flat or far away, especially early on, and then worrying that it means you did not care.
• Disbelief: reaching for the phone to call them, or expecting to hear their car in the driveway.
• Anger: at the illness, the doctors, God, yourself, or the person who died for leaving.
• Guilt: replaying what you said or did not say, or feeling guilty for being the one still alive.
• Relief: especially after a long illness or a hard relationship, often followed by guilt about the relief.
• Fear and insecurity: about money, about being alone, or about losing someone else.

Why can I not think straight?

Many people describe a grief fog: losing keys, rereading the same email, forgetting appointments, struggling to follow a conversation. The National Institute on Aging lists problems with concentration and a hard time making decisions among the common effects of grief, alongside trouble sleeping and little interest in food.

Your mind is doing a great deal of work in the background, adjusting to a world in which this person is gone, often while you are short on sleep. That is one reason the NIA suggests delaying major decisions, such as selling a home or leaving a job, if you have a choice. It is also why it helps to write things down, accept offers of practical help, and go easy on yourself at work for a while. For the physical side of this, see grief in the body.

Why does grief come in waves?

Grief is rarely a steady state. It tends to come in surges, sometimes called grief bursts, set off by reminders: a song, a smell, a handwriting sample, a date on the calendar, a question from someone who has not heard. Between waves, people often function well, laugh with friends and enjoy a meal, and then feel guilty for it.

Those good moments are not a betrayal of the person who died. Grief researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe healthy grieving as a back-and-forth between facing the loss and attending to ordinary life, including taking breaks from grief altogether. The stages of grief, and what came after explains that idea, and why the old five-stage model does not describe most people's experience.

The practice's Resource Center essay Grief does not run to a schedule looks at why the second stretch of time after a death can feel harder than the first, when the casseroles stop and the permanence sinks in.

Is there a normal way to grieve?

Not one way, no. Psychologist George Bonanno and colleagues followed more than 200 older adults from before the death of their spouse to 18 months afterward. They found several distinct patterns, including chronic grief, ongoing depression and improvement after a hard caregiving period. The most common pattern was resilience: people who felt real pain but kept functioning fairly steadily. The pattern many people think of as typical, intense grief that slowly fades, was less common than expected.

That matters because people are often judged for grieving too much or too little. Someone who returns to work quickly is not necessarily in denial, and someone still crying months later is not necessarily stuck. The shape of grief also depends on the relationship and the loss. Grief for a complicated parent, an ex-spouse or a pregnancy can be harder to explain to others; disenfranchised grief looks at losses that go unrecognized.

When does grief need more support?

For a smaller group of people, grief stays at full intensity and gets in the way of daily life. The American Psychiatric Association describes prolonged grief disorder, added to the DSM-5-TR in March 2022, for adults whose loss was at least a year ago and who still have intense longing or preoccupation nearly every day, along with symptoms such as feeling part of themselves has died, emotional numbness, or feeling life is meaningless. Prolonged grief explains this in more detail. You do not need to meet any definition to ask for help.

Grief can also bring on depression or anxiety, or make drinking feel like the only relief. If you are having thoughts of ending your life or of wanting to join the person who died, please reach out now. In an emergency call 911, and for crisis support in the US call or text 988.

Talking it through with someone

Many people find it helps to say what they are feeling out loud to someone who is not also grieving and does not need protecting. Laura Bass is a Charlotte psychotherapist who works with adults on grief as part of individual counseling. Counseling can make room for the feelings above, including the ones that are hard to admit, at your pace.

You can read about her psychotherapy practice, return to the grief and loss guide, or ask Laura whether grief counseling would be a good fit.

Common questions