What is disenfranchised grief?
Disenfranchised grief is grief for a loss that the people around you do not fully recognize. Bereavement expert Kenneth Doka coined the term in 1989. In an interview with NPR, he defined it as a loss that is not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported.
The feeling is familiar to many people: you are hurting, but nobody seems to think you have a right to. There may be no time off work, no service, no one asking how you are. Often you start to wonder yourself whether you should be this upset. Doka's point is that the grief is real even when the permission is missing.
Which losses tend to go unrecognized?
Doka and later writers describe several ways grief gets overlooked: the relationship is not seen as close enough, the loss itself is not seen as a real loss, or the griever is not expected to grieve. A few common examples follow, each briefly; several deserve far more than a paragraph.
The death of a pet
Doka names the death of a pet as a classic disenfranchised loss. For many adults, a dog or cat is a daily companion for a long stretch of life, a source of routine and comfort, and sometimes the last link to a person who has died. Hearing "you can get another one" can make the loss feel lonelier.
An ex-spouse or former partner
When an ex-spouse dies, people often feel unsure where they stand. They may grieve the person, the shared history, the parent of their children, or the chance of a repaired relationship that is now gone. Doka mentions an ex-spouse among the relationships whose loss other people often shrug off. Life after divorce looks at the grief of the divorce itself.
Miscarriage and pregnancy loss
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) notes that early pregnancy loss is common, happening in about 10 of 100 known pregnancies, and that it can cause sadness and grief, with emotional healing often taking longer than physical healing. ACOG also notes that partners may grieve differently. Because the pregnancy may not have been announced, the loss can pass almost unseen by others.
Losses that are not deaths
Doka also includes losses other than death: a job, a missed milestone, a friendship that ended. Divorce, estrangement from a family member, a loved one changed by dementia or addiction, or the end of a long caregiving role can all carry grief that others do not name as grief.
Why unrecognized grief can be harder to carry
Most of the things that help people through a loss are social: rituals, time off, people checking in, the chance to talk about the person. When a loss is disenfranchised, many of those supports are missing. You may grieve at your desk, or in the car, because there is nowhere else for it to go.
There is also an added layer of self-judgment. People tell themselves they are overreacting, or that others have it worse. That second-guessing can make the grief more tangled, not less. In the same NPR piece, therapist David Defoe noted that grief that is set aside tends to come out in other ways, such as irritability or apathy.
Work is often where this shows up first. Bereavement leave, where it exists, is usually written for close family members, so someone grieving a former partner, a close friend, a pet or a pregnancy may be back at their desk the next morning with no one aware of what happened. Deciding whom to tell, and how much, is worth doing deliberately rather than in the moment. Even one colleague who knows can make a long day easier.
How to grieve a loss others overlook
There is no correct way to do this, but a few things help many people.
- Give yourself the permission others have not. Saying plainly "this was a loss and I am grieving it" is a real step.
- Find one person who gets it. A friend who also lost a pet, someone who knew your ex, a pregnancy loss group.
- Make your own ritual. NPR's guidance suggests journaling, planting something, making art or another personal act to mark the loss, since there may be no service.
- Tell people what you need. Others often stay quiet because they do not know whether to mention it.
- Expect it to come in waves, like any grief. What grief feels like describes some of the common reactions.
Where counseling can help
A counseling room is one place where no loss has to justify itself. Talking with someone who treats the loss as a loss can ease the isolation, and can help untangle grief that is mixed with guilt, anger or old history, as it often is with an ex-spouse or an estranged parent.
Laura Bass works with adults on grief in individual counseling at Laura Bass Counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina. If a disenfranchised loss has stayed at full intensity for a long time, prolonged grief explains how professionals think about grief that does not ease.
If you ever feel you cannot keep yourself safe, call 911, or call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Common questions
Who coined the term disenfranchised grief?
Kenneth Doka, a bereavement researcher and writer, introduced the term in 1989. He describes it as grief for a loss that is not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported. The idea has since become widely used by grief counselors, hospice workers and researchers to describe losses that fall outside what society expects people to mourn.
Is it normal to grieve a pet as much as a person?
Many people do, and there is nothing wrong with it. A pet is often part of daily life for a long time and a steady source of comfort. Doka lists the death of a pet as a common example of disenfranchised grief, because the depth of the loss is often underestimated by others, which can leave owners grieving quietly.
Why am I grieving my ex-spouse when we divorced long ago?
Because you shared a history, and perhaps children, and the death closes a door that may have felt open. People often grieve the person they once loved, the years together, or a hoped-for reconciliation. Mixed feelings, including relief or anger, are common, and none of them cancel out the grief.
How do I support a friend after a miscarriage?
Acknowledge the loss directly and use the words they use. Avoid comments that minimize it, such as "at least it was early" or "you can try again". Ask how they are doing in the weeks afterward, not just the first few days, and remember that a partner may be grieving too. Helping someone who is grieving has more.