Why are the first holidays after a death so hard?
Holidays are built on repetition: the same people, the same food, the same rituals, year after year. The first time through without someone, every one of those repetitions points at the empty place. The National Cancer Institute notes that reminders such as holidays and the anniversary of a death can set off grief bursts, short periods of very intense distress, often lasting around 20 to 30 minutes.
There is also the gap between the season's mood and yours. Everyone else seems to be celebrating, and you may feel out of step, or guilty for having a good moment. Both reactions are common. What grief feels like describes the wider range of feelings grief brings.
The anticipation can be worse than the day
Many people say the run-up was harder than the holiday itself. Stores fill with decorations, invitations arrive, family members start asking about plans, and the dread builds. Then the day comes and is painful, but survivable.
Knowing that pattern can help. If the weeks before feel heavier, it does not mean the day will be unbearable. It may mean your mind is doing some of the grieving in advance.
It can also help to decide in advance how you will spend the day itself, even loosely. Long stretches of unplanned time are often when grief fills the room. A morning walk, a phone call with someone who also misses the person, a visit to the grave or a favorite place, or simply a film you have chosen ahead of time can give the day some shape.
Planning ahead without pretending
Writing in guidance for the National Council on Aging, psychologist Erica Srinivasan suggests deciding in advance what you can handle, feeling free to attend briefly or skip an event, and planning a way to unwind afterward. A few practical ideas along those lines follow.
- Decide what matters most this year and let the rest go. Cards, baking, decorating or hosting can be scaled down or handed to someone else.
- Have a plan A and a plan B. Go to the gathering, and know in advance how you will leave if it becomes too much.
- Tell one person at the gathering what you might need, so you do not have to explain in the moment.
- Build in quiet time before and after. Grief is tiring, and holidays are tiring on their own.
- Look after the basics. Food, water, sleep and some fresh air matter more than usual. Go easy on alcohol, which tends to deepen low moods.
- Expect the unexpected trigger: a song, an ornament, a seat at the table. Having a way to step outside for a few minutes helps.
Old traditions, changed traditions, new ones
Families often disagree about traditions in the first year. One person wants everything exactly as it was, as a way of keeping the person close. Another cannot bear to set the table the same way. Neither is wrong, and it helps to talk about it before the day rather than discovering it at the door.
Some families keep the core and change the details: a different house, a potluck rather than one cook, passing a ritual the person used to lead to someone new. Others step away entirely for a year and take a trip or do something simple. Whatever you choose this time does not have to be the arrangement forever.
Ways to include the person who died
Many people find comfort in making the absence visible rather than working around it: lighting a candle, cooking their recipe, sharing a story at the table, hanging a particular ornament, giving to a cause they cared about, or writing them a letter. Children and grandchildren often appreciate being invited to take part.
Grieving children and teenagers at the holidays
If there are children or teenagers in the family, they are likely to be grieving too, sometimes in ways that look like ordinary holiday excitement one minute and tears or anger the next. The National Cancer Institute notes that talking honestly about a death and including children in rituals may help them cope, and that they should be encouraged to take part when they feel comfortable rather than being forced.
That can mean asking them which traditions they want to keep, giving them a job in a remembrance ritual, and letting them enjoy the presents and the food without feeling they have to look sad. If you are the parent and grieving yourself, it is fine to let another trusted adult take on some of the holiday work this year.
When the holidays are not the only hard days
Birthdays, the anniversary of the death, a wedding anniversary, Mother's Day or Father's Day can all carry the same weight. It can help to mark them on the calendar and plan something small for each, even if it is just a walk or a call with someone who also remembers.
If the season itself tends to pull your mood down, grief and shorter days can stack up. Seasonal depression explains how to tell the difference, and grief and faith speaks to families for whom the holidays are also religious holy days.
If you are struggling well past the holidays, or friends are worried about you, it is worth talking with someone. Laura Bass works with adults on grief in individual counseling at Laura Bass Counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina. In an emergency, call 911, or call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Common questions
Should we cancel the holidays the first year after a death?
You can, if that is what feels right, and you can also keep them, change them, or do something small. There is no correct choice. What helps most is deciding together as a household, saying out loud that this is the plan for this year only, and leaving room for people in the family to need different things.
Is it wrong to enjoy the holidays after someone died?
No. Laughter and enjoyment often sit right next to grief, and having a good moment does not mean you have forgotten the person or loved them less. Many people feel a flash of guilt when they catch themselves enjoying something. It is usually a sign of how much you miss them, not of a betrayal.
How do I handle family members who want everything to stay the same?
Talk before the day if you can. Say what you can manage and what you cannot, and ask what matters most to them. Often a compromise works: keep one or two traditions that mean the most to someone, let others go for now, and agree that next year can be different again.
What can I do for a friend facing their first holidays after a loss?
Invite them without pressure and make it easy to say no or leave early. Mention the person who died by name if you knew them. Check in around the holiday and again afterward, when the visitors have gone. Helping someone who is grieving has more on what tends to help.