How do blended families handle holidays with custody schedules?
Blended families usually handle holidays best by deciding the schedule early, sticking to it, and building their own celebrations around the time they actually have with the children. Many custody arrangements alternate major holidays by year or split a day between homes. Whatever the pattern, the families who cope best tend to know exactly where every child will be, and when, well before the day.
That sounds simple, but holidays also stir up feeling. Children miss the parent they are not with. Parents miss the children. Stepparents may find their own traditions pushed aside. Some of the hardest moments of stepfamily life happen around a holiday table.
Plan early and do the details
Robert Emery, a psychology professor at the University of Virginia who studies families living in two homes, offers practical holiday advice for separated parents. Several of his points apply directly to stepfamilies.
- Work out exactly where the children will be at what times, and when, where and how exchanges will happen.
- Coordinate with the other parent, briefly, so the children are not given duplicate presents or two big meals back to back.
- If this year involved last-minute negotiations, agree next year's plan now.
- Treat the holidays as something other than a competition with the other parent.
- Work things out ahead of time with your own extended family as well.
Two households, two sets of traditions
Each part of a blended family arrives with its own holiday customs, from what gets eaten to when presents are opened. When those clash, nobody is wrong; they are simply different families' habits. University of Georgia Extension suggests asking every family member to share their favorite traditions, listening without judging, and then deciding together which to keep, which the children might continue with their other parent, which could change, and which new ones to start.
New traditions matter more than they might seem. Emery encourages parents to establish rituals with their children, even ones that fall on a different day from the calendar holiday. A blended family that celebrates on the weekend after, because that is when all the children are home, has something that is entirely its own.
Stepparents sometimes give up their own traditions to keep the peace and then feel the loss. It is worth keeping at least one thing that matters to you. Feeling like an outsider in your own home looks at why that matters.
What the holidays can feel like for the children
Utah State University Extension notes that for children in blended families, the holiday season can intensify feelings of divided loyalty, loss and pressure to make everyone happy. A child who is quiet or irritable on the day may be missing the other parent, worrying about hurting someone by enjoying themselves, or remembering how holidays used to be.
The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents not to put children in the middle of conflict between the adults and to let them show love for both parents without guilt. At the holidays, that might mean letting a child call the other parent, not asking them which home was more fun, and making sure exchanges are calm.
If the children are spending a holiday away from you, it is normal to feel sad or empty. Emery's advice is to let the children enjoy their time with the other parent, and to plan something for yourself rather than waiting the day out.
Keeping the couple steady through the season
Holidays are a common source of stepcouple conflict: whose family to visit, how much to spend on which children, whether the ex gets invited to a school concert. Some practical habits help.
- Agree on the plan as a couple before telling the children or extended family.
- Talk about money and gifts ahead of time. Money in blended families covers fairness between children.
- Plan some couple time during the season, not just after it.
- Expect at least one hard moment, and agree how you will handle it together.
- Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Holidays put both partners under pressure.
Custody orders, changes and the legal side
If your holiday schedule is set out in a custody order or parenting agreement, changes are a matter for the two parents to agree on and, where they cannot, for an attorney or the court. This page is not legal advice. In North Carolina, the courts' custody mediation program helps parents in a filed custody case try to reach a parenting agreement; a family law attorney can explain how that applies to you. Co-parenting with an ex in a blended family covers the ongoing relationship.
When the holidays are more than stressful
Holidays after a death in the family carry their own weight; the first holidays after a loss may help. If holiday conflict at home involves threats, intimidation or fear, couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911. If you or anyone in the family is in crisis, call or text 988.
Common questions
How do divorced parents usually split holidays?
Common patterns include alternating each major holiday by year, splitting a holiday so the children spend part of the day in each home, or assigning certain holidays permanently to one parent. The right pattern depends on distance, the children's ages and what is in any custody order. What tends to matter most to children is that the plan is clear and the exchanges are calm.
What if the kids are not with us on the actual holiday?
Many blended families celebrate on a different day, such as the weekend before or after, when the children are home. Children usually care more about the ritual and the time together than the date. Psychologist Robert Emery encourages separated parents to build traditions like this, which can become some of the family's most remembered celebrations.
Should we invite the children's other parent to holiday events?
Some families do share part of a holiday, especially when the separation is amicable or the children are young, and Emery notes it can work. It is not right for every family. It depends on how well the adults get on, how the new partners feel, and whether the children would find it comforting or confusing. If any adult feels unsafe, do not do it.
Can counseling help with holiday stress in a blended family?
Counseling can help a stepcouple or a parent plan ahead, talk through the feelings the season brings up, and handle tense moments with an ex or extended family. Laura Bass works with adults in Charlotte, including stepcouples and parents. You can read about counseling for blended families or contact Laura.