Why does blending a family feel so much harder than expected?
Blended families are hard because two adults who chose each other are building a household with children who did not choose the change, and with relationships that are very uneven in age. The parent and child have years of shared history, habits and loyalty. The stepparent and stepchild may have months. No amount of goodwill makes those two relationships equal at the start.
Most couples expect love between the adults to spread through the household fairly quickly. When it does not, each partner tends to look for a culprit: the stepparent wonders what is wrong with them, the parent wonders why their partner cannot simply be kinder to the kids, and the children feel caught in the middle. A more accurate explanation is usually the shape of the family itself.
Stepfamilies are also common. A Pew Research Center survey published in 2011 found that 42% of American adults had at least one step relative. Being common does not make it easy, but it does mean you are far from the only couple having this experience.
What are the five challenges of stepfamily life?
Patricia Papernow, a psychologist who has studied and worked with stepfamilies for most of her career, sets out five major challenges in a 2018 paper in the journal Family Process and in her book Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships. They are a useful map because they name things couples often feel but cannot put into words.
- Insider and outsider positions are intense and fixed. The parent is an insider with their own children and with their partner; the stepparent is often on the outside of a bond that was there first.
- Children struggle with losses, loyalty binds and change. A new household can mean a new home, school, routine or rival for a parent's attention, and liking the stepparent can feel like betraying the other parent.
- Parenting, stepparenting and discipline often divide the couple. Stepparents tend to want more structure; parents tend to want more understanding for their children.
- The couple has to build a new family culture while each side carries an established one, from how loud dinner is to how holidays work.
- Ex-spouses and other parents outside the household are part of the family, whether or not anyone wants them to be.
Insiders and outsiders
The insider and outsider pattern is the one most stepparents recognize first. The parent walks into the kitchen and the kids light up; the stepparent walks in and the room goes quiet. The parent is pulled between partner and children all day long. The stepparent feels left out in their own home and then feels guilty for minding.
Neither position is comfortable. The insider can feel torn and constantly on duty. The outsider can feel invisible, jealous or rejected. Papernow's point is that these positions come from the structure rather than from anyone's character, and that they are strongest early on. Feeling like an outsider in your own home looks at the stepparent's side in more depth.
What the children are carrying
For adults, a new partnership is usually good news. For children, it often arrives on top of earlier losses: a divorce, a death, a move, less time with one parent. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes on its HealthyChildren.org site that problems children have in stepfamilies are sometimes a carryover of sorrow about their parents' divorce, and that those feelings can return in times of stress like a remarriage.
Loyalty binds are a large part of this. A child who enjoys time with a stepparent may feel disloyal to the parent they no longer live with full time. Keeping a stepparent at arm's length can be the child's way of staying loyal, not a verdict on the stepparent as a person. When stepchildren reject you covers how stepparents can respond without taking it all personally.
Why first-family rules backfire
Many of the instincts that work in a first-time family cause trouble in a stepfamily. Papernow writes that clinicians who rely on first-time family models can be unhelpful and sometimes inadvertently harmful, and the same is true of the couple's own assumptions. Three are especially common.
- Expecting instant love. Children and adults rarely love on schedule, and pressure to feel close tends to slow closeness down.
- Handing the stepparent a parent's authority from the first day. Discipline from someone a child does not yet trust usually lands badly; the stepparent's role and discipline explains why.
- Doing everything as a whole family. One-to-one time between parent and child, and between stepparent and stepchild, often does more than another big family outing.
What tends to help
The good news in the research is that struggling stepfamilies and thriving ones face the same challenges. What differs is how the adults handle them. Papernow describes thriving stepcouples as talking often, with curiosity and kindness, about their differences, while struggling couples tend to criticize or avoid the subject.
In practical terms, that tends to mean expecting the early stretch to be bumpy, keeping the couple relationship protected, letting the parent lead on discipline for a while, and giving every relationship in the house its own time. How long it takes a stepfamily to feel like family sets realistic expectations, and protecting your marriage in a blended family looks at the couple.
When the difficulty is more than ordinary strain
Ordinary stepfamily conflict is painful but safe. If anyone in the household is afraid of another person, or if arguments involve threats, control or physical harm, that is not a blending problem, and couples counseling is not the right setting for it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential and can help you think through safety. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911, and in an emotional crisis call or text 988.
Common questions
Is it normal for a blended family to struggle at first?
Yes. Stepfamily researchers and clinicians describe the early period as typically confusing and uneven, with stepparents feeling left out, parents feeling torn and children unsettled. Struggling at first is not a sign that you chose the wrong partner or that the family will not work. It is a sign that you are in the part of stepfamily life that most families go through.
Why do I feel like an outsider in my partner's family?
Because, at least at first, you are one. Your partner and their children share a history you were not part of, and their bond came first. Patricia Papernow calls this the insider and outsider position and describes it as built into stepfamily structure. It tends to soften as you build your own relationships in the household, slowly and one person at a time.
Are blended families harder for some children than others?
Papernow writes that stepfamilies are generally easier for children eight and under and for boys, and are often especially hard for young teenage girls. Every child is different, though, and a child's earlier losses, their relationship with each parent and how much conflict there is between the households all make a difference to how they adjust.
Can counseling help a blended family?
It can give the adults a place to slow down and understand the pattern they are in, rather than blaming each other. Laura Bass works with couples and individuals in Charlotte on blended family and stepfamily stress, and either partner can start alone. Read about counseling for blended families or contact Laura with questions.