What is counseling for blended families?
Counseling for blended families, as Laura Bass offers it, is couples or individual counseling for the adults in a stepfamily. That can mean a stepcouple coming in together, a stepparent who feels shut out at home, or a parent caught between a new partner and their children. The focus is the adults' relationships and the stress they carry, with the whole family in mind.
Laura is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults in individual, couples and infidelity counseling. Blended family and stepfamily stress is one of the areas she works with. She does not do child or family therapy with children in the room; she works with the parents, stepparents and couples.
Why stepfamilies need a different lens
Patricia Papernow, a psychologist who has written widely on stepfamilies, argues that stepfamilies are a fundamentally different family form, and that clinicians who rely only on training in first-time family models can be unhelpful and sometimes harmful without meaning to be. University extension guidance for stepfamilies, for instance, suggests the parent rather than the stepparent handles discipline at first, which is not what a first family would usually be told.
Papernow describes five challenges stepfamily structure creates: insider and outsider positions that are intense and fixed; children struggling with loss, loyalty binds and change; parenting and discipline issues that divide the couple; the need to build a new family culture; and former partners who remain part of the family. Stepfamily-aware counseling takes these as the starting point rather than treating them as signs that something is wrong with the couple.
Stepfamilies are not rare. The Pew Research Center reported in 2015 that 16% of US children were living in what the Census Bureau calls blended families, a household with a stepparent, stepsibling or half-sibling.
What can counseling with Laura involve?
Every couple and family is different, and the focus of counseling is something you decide with Laura. For stepcouples, the work often touches some of these.
- Understanding each partner's position. The parent and stepparent stand in very different places in the family. Hearing what it is like from the other side is often the first step. Feeling like an outsider in your own home describes one side of this.
- Agreeing on roles and discipline. Working out what the stepparent's role is now, and how it might grow. See the stepparent's role and discipline.
- Arguments about the children. Slowing down the fights about rules, fairness and respect so both partners can be heard. See arguing about the kids in a blended family.
- Money and fairness. Talking about who pays for what, and what money means to each of you.
- The former partner. Managing the stress, anger or grief that co-parenting with an ex stirs up, and keeping the couple steady through it.
- The marriage itself. Making room for the couple relationship in a crowded household. See protecting your marriage in a blended family.
Couples or individual counseling?
Some stepfamily concerns are best worked on as a couple, especially conflict about roles, rules or money. Others are personal: a parent's guilt about the divorce, a stepparent's loneliness or resentment, grief for the family one hoped to have. Laura offers both couples counseling and individual counseling, and it is worth talking with her about which fits your situation.
If one partner is not ready to come, individual counseling can still help the other partner understand the pattern, steady themselves and decide what they want to ask for at home.
Why the adults' relationships matter for the whole family
Research on stepfamilies suggests the adults' relationships are closely tied to how the household feels. A study by Todd Jensen and Lawrence Ganong of 291 stepparent and parent pairs linked the stepparent-child relationship and the couple's confidence in their marriage with how cohesive and harmonious the stepfamily was. A meta-analysis by Jensen, drawing on 56 studies, found that better stepparent-child relationships were associated with better psychological and academic well-being in children.
These are associations across many families, not predictions for any one family, and no counselor can promise a particular outcome. They do suggest that time spent helping the adults steady their relationships is time spent on the family as a whole.
What counseling cannot do, and when it is not the right step
Counseling with Laura is not legal or financial advice. Questions about custody, child support, wills or prenuptial agreements belong with a family law or estate planning attorney licensed in North Carolina, or a financial planner. Laura does not diagnose or prescribe medication; questions about medication go to a physician or psychiatric prescriber.
Couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that abuse is not a relationship problem joint therapy can solve and that what is said in a session can be used against the person being abused. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Counseling is also not crisis care. In an emergency call 911, and if you or anyone in your family is in crisis or thinking of suicide, call or text 988.
Common questions
Does Laura see children or stepchildren in sessions?
Laura works with adults: stepcouples, parents and stepparents. She does not provide child or family therapy with children in the room. If you have questions about whether an older stepchild could ever take part in a session, ask Laura directly through the contact page. If a child needs their own support, a child or family therapist is the right referral.
Do both partners need to come to stepfamily counseling?
Not necessarily. Many stepfamily concerns are worked on as a couple, but individual counseling can help a parent or stepparent who comes alone, and some people start individually and bring their partner in later. Which makes sense depends on what is going on, and it is a good thing to talk through with Laura before you begin.
How is stepfamily counseling different from regular couples counseling?
The format can look much the same, but the starting point differs. Stepfamily-aware counseling assumes the partners hold different positions in the family, that children are managing loss and loyalty binds, and that a former partner is part of the picture. Papernow's work argues that ignoring these differences and applying first-family assumptions is often unhelpful.
How do we get started with Laura?
The best first step is to contact Laura with a short description of your situation and whether you are thinking of couples or individual counseling. Practical details such as scheduling, fees and insurance are best asked about directly, because they can change. You can also read more about couples counseling and individual counseling with Laura.