Why is marriage harder in a blended family?
Marriage in a blended family is harder mainly because the couple never gets to start alone. In a first marriage, most couples have time to build their own habits before children arrive. In a stepfamily, the children, their routines, a former partner and sometimes a custody schedule are there from the first day. The new relationship has to grow in a crowded room.
Psychologist Patricia Papernow describes several pressures stepfamily structure puts on a couple: one partner starting as an insider and the other as an outsider, children dealing with loss and loyalty binds, disagreements about parenting and discipline, two family cultures to merge, and an ex who remains part of the family. Each of these can land on the marriage, and they often arrive at once.
Expect a new kind of family, not an instant one
University of Georgia Extension identifies two of the most common expectations stepcouples bring with them: instant family and instant love. The first is the hope that a second marriage will be easier and happier than what came before. The second is the hope that everyone in the new household will quickly come to love each other.
Both expectations are understandable, and both can turn ordinary difficulties into a sense of failure. If you expected the children to warm up to the new partner within months, every cold shoulder becomes evidence that something is wrong with the marriage. If you expected stepfamily life to be hard and slow, the same cold shoulder is just part of the work.
The UGA guidance suggests stepcouples write down and share their expectations for the marriage and the children, and keep talking as new expectations surface, because some only become visible after you are living together. How long it takes a stepfamily to feel like family has more on realistic timelines.
What actually protects a stepfamily marriage?
None of these is unusual. What makes them protective is doing them regularly, especially when the household is busy.
- Time for just the two of you. A walk, a weekly breakfast, a standing evening when the children are at the other home. University of Georgia Extension specifically recommends that stepcouples keep making time for just the two of them.
- A couple conversation that is not about the kids. Stepcouples can slide into talking only about logistics, schedules and problems. A daily check-in about your own days keeps you partners as well as co-managers.
- Turning toward small bids. The Gottman Institute describes bids as small attempts to connect: a comment, a question, a touch. In a Gottman study of newlyweds, couples still married at follow-up had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time; couples who divorced, 33%.
- Deciding as a couple before announcing to the children. Agreeing on rules, plans and changes in private, then presenting them together, keeps the children from finding the gap between you.
- Making room for both partners' histories. Each of you brings traditions, habits and losses from a previous family. Being curious about them, rather than ranking them, makes it easier to build something new.
Couple time can feel like disloyalty to the children
Many parents in stepfamilies feel guilty taking time away from children who have already been through a separation. That guilt is real and worth respecting. It also tends to come with a trade-off: a parent who gives every spare hour to the children may leave the new partner feeling like an extra in the household.
Protecting the marriage does not have to mean less time for the children. It usually means putting some couple time on the calendar the way you would put any other commitment there, and letting the children also have one-on-one time with their parent. UGA Extension suggests a mix of whole-family time, parent-and-child time, and stepparent-and-stepchild time, each serving a different relationship.
For the stepparent, couple time is often where they stop feeling like an outsider. Feeling like an outsider in your own home looks at that side.
How the marriage and the household affect each other
Research suggests the couple relationship and the wider stepfamily are tied together. A study by Todd Jensen and Lawrence Ganong of 291 stepparent and parent pairs found that marital confidence, along with the quality of the stepparent-child relationship, was linked with how cohesive, expressive and harmonious the whole stepfamily was. The study shows association rather than cause, but it fits what many stepcouples describe: when the marriage feels steady, the household feels steadier too.
The reverse is also true. Papernow notes that issues of parenting, stepparenting and discipline often divide stepcouples, and those disagreements can wear a marriage down. Arguing about the kids in a blended family looks at why those arguments are so charged, and money in blended families covers the other usual flashpoint.
When the strain is more than a stepfamily adjustment
Stress in a blended family is normal; fear is not. If one partner is controlling, threatening or hurting the other, or the children, this is not a marriage problem for couples work, and couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In an emergency call 911. If you or someone at home is in crisis or thinking of suicide, call or text 988.
Common questions
Should the marriage come before the kids in a blended family?
Stepfamily guidance generally avoids putting it as a ranking. It tends to recommend protecting the marriage, because the couple's steadiness affects the whole household, while also keeping one-on-one time between each parent and their children. Treating it as a choice between your partner and your kids usually makes both relationships harder, so it helps to look for ways to make room for both.
What are the most common things stepcouples fight about?
The usual flashpoints are parenting and discipline, money, the former partner, and how time is divided between the couple and the children. Papernow lists disagreements about parenting, stepparenting and discipline among the main challenges stepfamily structure creates. These arguments are common in stepfamilies and often have less to do with the couple than with the different positions each partner holds.
How do we find time alone when the kids are always home?
Start small and regular rather than waiting for a perfect evening out. A short walk after dinner, coffee together before the house wakes up, or a fixed time when the children are with their other parent can be enough. What tends to help most is that the time is protected and predictable, so neither partner has to ask for it each week.
Can couples counseling help a stepfamily marriage?
It can give both partners a place to slow down and hear how the family looks from the other's position, which often takes the heat out of repeat arguments. Laura Bass works with couples in Charlotte, including stepcouples. You can read about counseling for blended families, couples counseling with Laura, or contact her.