Money in a blended family: yours, mine and ours

Why is money so hard in a blended family?

Money is hard in a blended family because it is tied to obligations that come from before the marriage. One partner may pay child support and the other receive it. Each may have their own children's college plans, debts from a divorce, or a house from a previous life. Every financial decision touches someone outside the couple.

University of Georgia Extension observes that trust and commitment issues from previous marriages can shape how remarried couples handle money, and that many partners are hesitant to give up control of their personal money and uncomfortable talking about it with a new spouse. That hesitation is understandable, especially for someone who lost financially in a divorce, and it is worth saying out loud rather than leaving it to show up in arguments.

Common money flashpoints in stepfamilies

Most stepcouples recognize at least a few of these.

• Who pays for the children. Whether a stepparent should help pay for a stepchild's activities, phone or car, and how much.
• Child support. Money going out to another household, or coming in from one, can stir resentment on both sides. Ohio State University Extension notes that money is often among the most explosive issues after divorce.
• Unequal spending on different children. One set of children gets more because their other parent contributes more, or because one partner earns more.
• Who owns the house. Especially when one partner moved into the other's home.
• Spending without asking. Each partner may have been used to making decisions alone.
• The future. Inheritance, retirement and who provides for whom if one partner dies.

Yours, mine and ours: ways stepcouples handle money

There is no single right system. University of Georgia Extension reports that couples who pool their money are no more or less satisfied with their money management than couples who keep it separate, and that keeping accounts separate often does not reflect a lack of love or commitment.

Many stepcouples settle on some version of yours, mine and ours. UGA describes two common variations: small separate accounts with a large joint account, or large separate accounts with a small joint account. The joint account typically covers the mortgage, groceries, utilities and shared fun; each partner's own account covers costs for their own children and anything they own individually.

UGA also notes that the idea that each partner must put in an equal share is seldom fair when incomes differ, and that joint accounts that work well are often funded in proportion to each partner's income. The point is not to adopt a formula but to agree on one you both find fair, and to revisit it as things change.

Questions to talk through together

UGA Extension suggests stepcouples sit down with a set of questions. Adapted, they look like this. Taking them one or two at a time is usually easier than trying to settle everything in one evening.

• What money is separate, and what is shared?
• If we keep money separate, how much does each of us put toward the household?
• Who pays for what for each set of children?
• Who keeps track of the accounts, and how will we both stay informed?
• What is the most either of us spends without checking with the other?
• How will we handle an emergency, or a change in child support?

When the money fight is really about something else

The Gottman Institute describes money as one of the most common perpetual problems couples have: a lasting difference rooted in how each person grew up, what they value and what they fear. In a stepfamily there are often extra layers. A stepparent who resents paying for a stepchild's activities may really be asking whether they count in the family. A parent who insists on spending on their children may be trying to make up for the divorce.

Gottman's suggestion for perpetual problems is to look for the story or dream behind each position before trying to settle the numbers. Asking "what does this money mean to you?" often gets further than another round about the budget. Fighting about money covers money arguments in couples more generally, and arguing about the kids in a blended family looks at the fairness questions that often travel with them.

Wills, beneficiaries and legal questions

Blended families raise financial and legal questions that a first family may not: who inherits if one partner dies, how to provide for both a spouse and children from an earlier marriage, whether a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement makes sense, and whether old beneficiary designations still name a former spouse. These are important, and they are not matters for a counselor. An estate planning attorney licensed in North Carolina, and a financial planner, are the right people to advise on them.

What counseling can help with is the conversation around them. Talking about death, inheritance and fairness to children is emotionally loaded, and some couples avoid it for that reason. Having the feelings out in the open can make the practical meeting with an attorney go more smoothly.

When money is used to control

Disagreeing about money is normal. Being denied access to money, having every purchase monitored, or being kept from working is not a money disagreement; it can be financial abuse, and couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911, and if you are in crisis, call or text 988.

Common questions