Why stepcouples argue about the kids, and what helps

Why do stepcouples argue so much about the kids?

Stepcouples argue about the kids because they are not looking at the same children. The parent sees a child they have known since birth, with a whole history behind each behavior. The stepparent sees the behavior as it is now, often without that history and sometimes on the receiving end of it. Both views are honest, and they can be very far apart.

Psychologist Patricia Papernow names this directly: one of the five major challenges she describes in stepfamilies is that issues of parenting, stepparenting and discipline often divide the couple. It is not a sign the couple is unusually incompatible. It is one of the most predictable strains in stepfamily life.

Where the arguments usually start

The same few topics come up in most stepfamilies, though each family's version has its own details.

• Discipline. Who gets to set limits, and what happens when the stepparent does. The stepparent's role and discipline covers this in depth.
• House rules. Screen time, chores, bedtimes and manners, especially when two sets of children arrive with different rules from before.
• Fairness between children. One child seems to get away with more, or a parent believes their own child's version of events more readily. A Gottman Institute article on blending families notes that a parent may, without meaning to, trust their biological child's version more or feel more protective of them.
• Tone. The stepparent feels disrespected by a child; the parent feels the stepparent is too harsh.
• Time and attention. A parent's time with their children can feel to the stepparent like time taken from the marriage.

Why these fights feel so personal

When a stepparent criticizes a child's behavior, the parent can hear it as criticism of the child, of their parenting, or of their former family. When a parent defends a child, the stepparent can hear it as being told they do not count. Both partners end up defending something that matters deeply to them, which is why the argument can escalate so fast.

Children add to the charge without meaning to. University of Minnesota Extension notes that ambivalence in the stepparent-stepchild relationship can be heightened by a child's worry about being disloyal to their other parent. A child who is cool or hostile toward a stepparent may be managing a loyalty bind, not making a judgment. The parent often senses this; the stepparent often just feels the rejection. When stepchildren reject you looks at that side.

Underneath the specific argument there is often an unspoken question. For the stepparent: do I have a real place in this family? For the parent: will you accept my children as they are? Naming those questions can calm an argument faster than winning the point about the dishes.

How can stepcouples stop fighting about the kids?

There is no way to make the different positions disappear, but there are ways to stop them driving the same fight over and over.

• Agree on rules in private, then present them together. Utah State University Extension stresses a united front on major decisions and rules, which is easier when the couple has talked it through first, out of the children's hearing.
• Let the parent lead on discipline, at least early on. University of Georgia Extension suggests the parent stays the primary disciplinarian while the stepparent monitors and helps enforce agreed house rules. It also notes that about half of stepchildren see their stepparent as having legitimate authority over them and half do not.
• Keep a short list of house rules. University of Minnesota Extension advises keeping rules simple and few. Fewer rules mean fewer places to disagree.
• Talk about needs, not verdicts. "I need to feel respected at dinner" can be worked with. "Your son is rude" mostly starts a defense.
• Treat repeating arguments as a pattern. If you have the same fight about the same child every week, it may be a lasting difference between you rather than a problem to solve once. Why we keep having the same argument explains the difference.

When you parent differently, not just from different positions

Some stepcouple arguments are also ordinary differences in parenting style: one partner is stricter, one more relaxed; one values independence, the other closeness. Couples in first families have these differences too. In a stepfamily they are tangled up with history and loyalty, which makes them harder to see clearly. When you and your partner parent differently looks at style differences on their own.

It also helps to keep the arguments out of the children's hearing. Children in stepfamilies can easily come to feel they are the cause of the trouble. Fighting in front of the kids has more on why that matters and how to repair it when it happens.

When arguments about the kids are not ordinary conflict

If arguments about the children involve threats, intimidation, hitting or fear, or if an adult in the home is harming a child, that is a safety issue, not a parenting disagreement, and couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911. If anyone in the home is in crisis or thinking of suicide, call or text 988.

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