When you and your partner parent differently

Why do partners parent so differently?

Partners usually parent differently because they were raised differently. One grew up in a home with firm rules and few explanations; the other grew up with more freedom, or with parents who were rarely around. Each of you brings a picture of what good parenting looks like, and a list of things you swore you would never do. The Gottman Institute points to family history, personality, culture and values, and each partner's fears as common sources of the gap.

Temperament plays a part too. A parent who is anxious about safety may tighten rules that a more relaxed parent sees as unnecessary. A parent who hated conflict as a child may avoid enforcing limits at all. Neither is simply right. Often each of you is protecting something real, and arguing about the rule hides what that is.

What is coparenting, and why does it matter?

Researchers use the word coparenting for the relationship between the adults who raise a child, specifically in their roles as parents. Penn State researcher Mark Feinberg and colleagues describe it as having two sides: support, where parents work together toward shared childrearing goals, and conflict, where they disagree and undermine each other about how to raise the child.

In a 2018 article in the Journal of Family Psychology, Feinberg and Emily Riina note that coparenting support and conflict often predict how children and families are doing beyond what can be explained by each parent's own parenting or by the quality of the marriage. In their study of dual-earner families with young teenagers, mothers who worked longer hours reported more coparenting conflict, and mothers under financial strain reported less support. Coparenting does not happen in a vacuum; stress outside the home shows up in it.

The research on parental burnout points the same way. In Moïra Mikolajczak and Isabelle Roskam's model, positive coparenting is one of the resources that protect parents from burning out, and poor coparenting is one of the risks. See parenting stress and burnout.

Common ways parenting differences show up

The specific flashpoints vary, but some patterns come up again and again.

• The strict parent and the soft parent. One enforces, the other rescues, and each pushes further to balance the other out.
• The default parent and the helper. One partner holds all the planning and knowledge of the children, the other waits to be told, and resentment builds on both sides.
• Undermining in the moment. One parent sets a consequence and the other lifts it, or rolls their eyes, in front of the child.
• Different views on emotions. One parent comforts a crying child; the other thinks the child needs to toughen up.
• Disagreeing about one particular child, often the one who is struggling most.

How can we get on the same page?

In an article on parenting styles, the Gottman Institute describes a two-step approach credited to Gottman therapist Kimberly Panganiban: first a real dialogue about what each of you believes, then compromise. It is worth having that conversation away from the children and away from the heat of a particular incident.

• Talk about where your views come from. What were your parents like? What did you like and dislike about how you were raised? What are your hopes and fears for your children?
• Name a short list of values you both want to pass on. Three to five is plenty.
• Separate your core needs from your preferences. Each of you probably has one or two things that matter deeply, and many more where you can flex.
• Agree on a few rules you will both enforce, and a temporary compromise on the rest that you will revisit.
• Back each other up in front of the children. If you disagree with a call, raise it privately. The Gottman article suggests telling the child you both need a few minutes to talk before you respond.
• Keep it respectful. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, the Four Horsemen, make parenting arguments as damaging as any other kind.

What do children need from parents who disagree?

Children do not need two identical parents. They can cope with one parent being more playful and the other more structured, much as they cope with different rules at school and at a grandparent's house. What helps them is predictability: knowing the main rules, knowing both adults will hold them, and not being asked to choose sides. The American Academy of Pediatrics stresses staying consistent in enforcing limits.

What tends to hurt is being caught between parents: hearing one parent criticize the other, being used as a messenger, or learning that a rule disappears if you go to the other parent. If your disagreements often turn into open fights at home, fighting in front of the kids looks at what children take from that, and how to repair it.

When the disagreement is part of something bigger

Sometimes arguments about the children carry other weight: unequal work at home, a new baby changing the relationship (see your relationship after a baby), a stepparent's place in the family (see arguing about the kids in a blended family), or long-standing resentment.

If one partner's way of parenting involves fear, threats, or controlling the other parent or the children, that is not a difference in style. Couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential and costs nothing to call. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.

How counseling can help

Couples counseling gives parents a slower, safer place to have the conversation that keeps going wrong at the kitchen table. Laura Bass works with couples at Laura Bass Counseling in Charlotte, including parents who keep clashing over how to raise their children. Laura's role is not to decide whose parenting is right. Read about couples counseling, return to the parenting and postpartum guide, or contact Laura.

Common questions