When your stepchildren reject you

Why do stepchildren reject a stepparent?

Most stepchildren who reject a stepparent are reacting to the situation, not to the person. The new household may have arrived on top of a divorce or a death, a move, or less time with their other parent. The stepparent is the most visible sign of all that change, and so becomes the easiest target.

Loyalty is usually part of it. The psychologist Patricia Papernow lists children's losses, loyalty binds and change among the five core stepfamily challenges. A child who warms to a stepparent can feel they are betraying the parent who is not there. Keeping the stepparent at a distance can be a way of staying loyal.

• Grief about the family that was, or hope that their parents will reunite.
• Fear of losing their parent's attention to the new partner or to stepsiblings.
• Messages, spoken or not, from the other household.
• Age and stage: older children and teenagers are often more openly critical.
• Feeling that the new arrangement was decided without them.

What does rejection usually look like?

It is not always dramatic. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that some children challenge stepparents openly, sometimes aggressively, while others simply keep an emotional distance. Both are common. Rejection might look like ignoring you, speaking only to their parent when you are in the room, refusing to come on outings, criticizing everything you do, or saying “You're not my mom” or “You're not my dad.”

The AAP's advice is not to take it personally, to treat it as the child's way of testing you and of dealing with their feelings about having a new adult in their life, and not to overreact to criticism. It adds that criticism tends to become less common as the months pass, and that older children are likely to be more critical than younger ones.

What helps a stepparent who feels rejected?

Research on stepfamilies that work points in a consistent direction: small, steady, kind actions matter more than grand gestures. Communication researcher Dawn Braithwaite and colleagues interviewed 38 adult stepchildren who described good relationships with their stepparents. The most common positive turning points they named were out-of-the-ordinary kind efforts by the stepparent, which accounted for 18 percent of turning points, followed closely by quality time at 17 percent. Braithwaite noted that neither requires money or expertise, and that many of these relationships did not start out positive.

A 2019 study of 234 stepcouples similarly found that stepfathers' efforts to build a friendly relationship with a stepchild were linked with less conflict with the child, a better marriage and a closer stepfamily.

• Keep showing up in small ways: a ride, a favorite snack, interest in their game, without expecting thanks.
• Offer one-to-one time doing something the child already enjoys, and accept no gracefully.
• Stay out of discipline for now; let the parent lead. The stepparent's role and discipline explains why.
• Never criticize the child's other parent in their hearing.
• Let the child set the pace on closeness, nicknames and affection.

What the parent can do

The parent in the middle has a real role here. They can make clear to their child that politeness toward the stepparent is expected, while also making clear that love is not required. They can keep regular one-to-one time with their own children so the stepparent does not feel like the reason that time disappeared. And they can listen to their partner's hurt without treating it as an attack on the children.

The AAP also suggests regular family meetings to iron out differences, and says that if negative feelings and problems with bonding continue, it is important to get help from a counselor. Arguing about the kids in a blended family looks at how couples can talk about this without the conversation turning into sides.

Looking after yourself as the stepparent

Being rejected day after day wears people down. It is common for stepparents to feel resentful, jealous of the parent-child bond, or guilty for not loving a child they feel they should love. These feelings do not make you a bad stepparent. Papernow describes the stepparent's outsider position as built into stepfamily structure; feeling like an outsider in your own home explores it.

It helps to have places where you are not an outsider: time alone with your partner, your own friends and interests, and sometimes a counselor's office. If low mood or hopelessness becomes the background of most days, it is worth speaking with a doctor or therapist. If you ever feel unsafe with yourself, call or text 988, and in an emergency call 911.

When rejection turns into hostility

Occasionally, conflict between a stepparent and a child, or between the adults over the child, becomes frightening: threats, physical aggression or control. That is a safety matter rather than a blending problem, and couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you think through safety, and if a child is at risk, contact local child protective services or call 911.

Common questions