Why do stepparents feel like outsiders in their own home?
Most stepparents feel like outsiders because, at the start, they are. The parent and the children have years of shared history: the way dinner works, the private jokes, who sits where in the car, what happens when someone is sick. The stepparent arrives into a group that already has its own center, and it is usually not them.
Patricia Papernow, a psychologist who has written widely on stepfamilies, lists this as the first of five challenges stepfamily structure creates: insider and outsider positions that are intense and fixed. In a first-time family the couple usually forms the inside of the family before children arrive. In a stepfamily the parent and children are the established inside, and the new partner joins from outside.
What the outsider position feels like
Stepparents rarely describe it in the language of structure. They describe moments. The children turn to their parent with a story and look straight past you. Plans get made in a conversation you were in the room for but not part of. A holiday tradition goes ahead in a form that does not include anything of yours.
None of these moments has to be hostile to hurt. Often nobody is trying to leave you out. The parent and children are simply falling back on patterns that predate you, and you feel it every time.
- Feeling invisible in conversations at the dinner table.
- Feeling like a guest in a home you help pay for and run.
- Feeling jealous of the closeness between your partner and their children, and then guilty for feeling it.
- Feeling that you are expected to give a great deal and to ask for very little.
- Feeling lonely in the house even when everyone is home.
The parent in the middle is stuck too
Papernow's work pairs the stuck outsider with a stuck insider: the parent, who is close to both the children and the new partner and can feel pulled in two directions at once. A complaint from the stepparent can sound like criticism of the children. A complaint from a child can sound like a verdict on the new marriage. Many parents in this spot respond by trying to keep everyone calm, which can look to the stepparent like taking sides.
It helps both partners to see the pattern as a feature of the family's shape, not a failure of love. The parent is not choosing the children over you by being close to them, and you are not being petty for noticing when you are left out. You are standing in different places in the same structure.
University of Georgia Extension materials on stepparenting note that the strong bond between a parent and their children from a prior relationship can stir jealousy in a stepparent, and suggest the couple keep making time for just the two of them. That does not make jealousy disappear, but it does give the outsider a place where they are an insider.
What helps a stepparent feel less like an outsider?
There is no single fix, and closeness with stepchildren tends to grow slowly if it grows at all. A few things come up again and again in the stepfamily literature and in extension guidance for families.
- Protected couple time. Regular time alone together, even short, gives the stepparent a relationship in the house where they are at the center. Protecting your marriage in a blended family goes into this.
- One-on-one time with each stepchild, built around something the child already likes. A study of 234 stepcouples by Lawrence Ganong and colleagues found that stepfathers who made efforts to build friendly connection with a stepchild reported less conflict with that child, and both partners reported better marriages.
- Less early pressure to discipline. Guidance from both University of Georgia and University of Minnesota Extension suggests the parent stays the main disciplinarian at first and the stepparent follows the parent's lead. The stepparent's role and discipline covers this in more depth.
- A few shared things that are new. Something the household starts together, such as a weekly meal or a small ritual, belongs to everyone, including the person who arrived last.
- The parent as bridge. Small gestures from the parent, like bringing the stepparent into a conversation or explaining an old family joke, can make the inside of the family a little wider.
How to talk to your partner about feeling left out
This conversation goes better when it is about what you feel and need, not about what the children did. "I felt invisible at dinner and I would love to be part of the conversation" is easier to hear than "Your kids ignore me and you let them." The second sentence asks your partner to choose between you and their children, which is the one thing they are least able to do.
It also helps to ask what it is like from your partner's side. Many parents in the middle feel responsible for everyone's happiness and are relieved to be asked. How to have a hard conversation with your partner has more on raising something tender without starting a fight.
If the feeling has already turned into a steady resentment, or you notice yourself pulling away from the family entirely, take that seriously. When stepchildren reject you looks at the harder end of this, and resentment in a relationship at what resentment does over time.
When the feeling is about more than stepfamily structure
Sometimes feeling shut out is not only about a new family finding its shape. If you are being belittled, threatened or controlled at home, or you feel afraid of your partner, that is not an outsider problem to manage, and couples counseling is not appropriate where there is abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you are in danger, call 911, and if you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.
Common questions
Is it normal for a stepparent to feel like an outsider?
Yes. Stepfamily researchers describe it as one of the most common experiences of stepparenting, because the parent and children share a history the stepparent was not part of. Feeling it does not mean the family is failing. It means you are in the outsider position the structure creates, and that position can change slowly as new shared history builds up.
How long does it take for a stepparent to feel part of the family?
There is no reliable timetable, and it varies a great deal with the children's ages and how the adults handle the early period. Stepfamily writers generally describe it as a matter of years rather than months, and some stepparent-stepchild relationships stay respectful rather than close. How long it takes a stepfamily to feel like family looks at this in more detail.
Should my partner take my side against the kids?
Usually not in the sense of choosing between you, and asking for that tends to backfire. What most stepparents actually need is for their partner to notice when they are left out, to make room for them, and to protect regular time for the couple. Those are things a parent can do without having to turn against their own children.
Can counseling help with feeling like an outsider at home?
It can give both partners a place to describe what the family feels like from where each one stands, which is often the first time they have heard it. Laura Bass works with adults in Charlotte, including stepparents, parents and couples in blended families. You can read about counseling for blended families or contact Laura.