What is dating anxiety?
Dating anxiety is not a diagnosis. It is a plain description of feeling worried, tense or fearful about dating: the nerves before meeting someone, the overthinking afterward, the dread of rejection, or a general unease that makes you want to avoid the whole thing.
The American Psychological Association describes anxiety as an emotion marked by apprehension and bodily tension in which a person anticipates danger or misfortune, with muscles tensing and the heart beating faster. Dating supplies plenty to anticipate. You are meeting a stranger, hoping to be liked, unsure how it will go, and aware that it may end in disappointment.
So the first thing to say is that some anxiety around dating is expected. The National Institute of Mental Health puts it simply: feeling anxious is a normal part of life. The question is not whether you feel it, but how much room it takes up.
Why does dating make so many people anxious?
It is not only you. In a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2019, 67% of adults who were single and looking said their dating life was going not too well or not at all well. Nearly half of all adults in that survey, and a majority of women, said dating had become harder over the previous decade.
Several features of dating are close to purpose-built for anxiety.
- Evaluation. You are being assessed, and assessing, at the same time.
- Uncertainty. You rarely know what the other person thinks, and messages are easy to misread.
- Rejection. It is a normal part of dating and it still hurts each time. See being ghosted.
- Volume. In Pew's 2022 survey, 54% of women who had recently used dating apps said they had felt overwhelmed by the number of messages they received.
- Safety. Women carry real concerns about meeting strangers, and vigilance is tiring. See dating safety.
- History. A painful breakup, a divorce or a past relationship that was unkind can make the next attempt feel much riskier.
Ordinary nerves, or something more?
Ordinary dating nerves rise before a date and settle once you are there or shortly after. They are uncomfortable, and they do not stop you.
Anxiety deserves more attention when it is intense, lasts, and changes what you do. The National Institute of Mental Health describes social anxiety disorder as fear or anxiety in situations where a person may be scrutinized, evaluated or judged by others, and it names dating and meeting new people among them. It notes that the fear can feel uncontrollable, that people may worry about a social situation for weeks beforehand, and that some end up avoiding the situations altogether.
This page cannot tell you whether you have an anxiety disorder, and it is not trying to. Only a qualified professional who has talked with you can assess that. These signs suggest it would be worth having that conversation:
Signs it may be more than nerves
- You want a relationship and keep canceling dates or deleting apps because the fear is too strong.
- Worry about a date fills the days before it, or disrupts your sleep or work.
- After a date you replay it for hours, searching for what you did wrong.
- Waiting for a reply brings strong physical symptoms: a pounding heart, nausea, shakiness.
- You rely on alcohol to get through dates.
- The same level of fear shows up in other social settings too.
What helps before, during and after a date?
None of these remove anxiety. They make it smaller and easier to carry.
Before
- Keep first meetings short and simple: coffee or a walk, with an end time. An hour is easier to face than an evening.
- Limit the lead-up. Long stretches of messaging before meeting give anxiety more time to build a fantasy or a fear.
- Do something physical beforehand. A brisk walk uses up some of the adrenaline.
- Shift the question from "Will they like me?" to "Do I like how I feel around this person?"
During
- Slow your breathing, and let your exhale be longer than your inhale.
- Put your attention on the other person. Curiosity about them leaves less room for monitoring yourself.
- You can say it: "I always get a bit nervous on first dates." It is usually a relief to both people.
- Go easy on alcohol. It blurs your judgment and tends to raise anxiety the next day.
After
- Give the replay a limit. Ten minutes with a friend or a notebook, then something else.
- Do not treat reply times as a verdict. People are busy, distracted and inconsistent.
- Keep the rest of your week full, so one person's response is not carrying your mood.
- Take breaks from apps when they stop being enjoyable. A pause is not a failure.
When anxiety is about a particular person
Sometimes anxiety is not about dating in general. It is about him. If you feel calm with other people and persistently on edge with one man, wondering what mood he will be in or what you did wrong, your anxiety may be telling you something accurate about the relationship.
Uncertainty produced by mixed signals is one cause; see situationships and mixed signals. Feeling that you have to watch your words is another, and it is among the things described in red flags early in dating. If someone you are dating frightens or controls you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential at 1-800-799-7233.
When to get support
If anxiety is keeping you from dating when you want to, or taking over your thoughts when you do, you do not have to manage it alone. The National Institute of Mental Health describes psychotherapy as treatments that help a person identify and change troubling emotions, thoughts and behaviors, and says that with the right treatment and support, people with social anxiety can manage it and improve their quality of life. Your own doctor is also a reasonable first stop, since anxiety can have medical contributors.
Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults. In individual counseling, dating anxiety can be looked at alongside whatever sits underneath it: earlier relationships, a loss, or long-standing worry about being judged. No therapist can promise that anxiety will disappear. Many people do find it becomes easier to live with. There is more in when to talk to a therapist about dating and in the dating guide for women.
If anxiety ever tips into feeling unable to cope or into thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 at any hour. In an emergency, call 911.
Common questions
Is it normal to feel anxious before every date?
Yes, for many people. Meeting a stranger you hope to like involves evaluation and uncertainty, and nerves are the body's ordinary response. It often eases a few minutes in. If the anxiety is strong enough that you regularly cancel, or it takes up the days beforehand, that is more than ordinary nerves and it is worth talking to a professional about it.
Why do I get more anxious when I really like someone?
Because there is more to lose. When you are indifferent, a slow reply means little. When you are hopeful, the same silence feels like a threat. Strong interest raises the stakes, and anxiety rises with it. It can help to slow the pace, keep your own routines going, and remind yourself that you are still finding out whether this person is good for you.
Should I tell a date that I am anxious?
A light mention is usually fine and often helps: "I get nervous on first dates." Most people feel the same and are relieved to hear it. You do not owe a new person your history or any health information. How someone responds to a small admission of nerves is also useful to see. Kindness is a good sign, and mockery is not.
Does dating anxiety mean I am not ready to date?
Not on its own. Many people date well while anxious, and waiting to feel completely calm can mean waiting indefinitely. It may be worth pausing if dating is making you miserable, if you are still in acute grief after a breakup or divorce, or if the anxiety is severe. A pause to get support is a reasonable choice, and so is carrying on gently.