Being ghosted: why it hurts and what helps

What is ghosting, and how common is it?

Ghosting is when someone you have been dating, or talking to, stops responding with no explanation. Pew Research Center describes it as ending a relationship or casual dating situation by suddenly not responding to calls or messages.

It happens to a lot of people. In a Pew survey of U.S. adults conducted in 2019, 29% said they had been ghosted, rising to 42% among adults ages 18 to 29. In the same survey, when single people who were looking to date were asked how they would let someone know they did not want a second date, only 8% said they would ghost. About half said they would not reach out but would say so if the other person got in touch.

That gap is worth noticing. Few people set out to ghost. Many simply avoid an awkward message and let silence do the work. From the receiving end it feels the same.

Why does being ghosted hurt so much?

Being ghosted hurts for two reasons that stack on top of each other.

The first is that rejection hurts, and the phrase is close to literal. In a 2011 brain-imaging study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup looked at a photo of their former partner while thinking about the rejection. Brain regions involved in the sensory experience of physical pain became active. The researchers wrote that the results give new meaning to the idea that rejection hurts. That study was about breakups, not ghosting in particular, but it helps explain why a few unanswered texts can be felt in the body.

The second reason is the silence itself. When someone tells you why they are ending things, you have something to respond to, even if you disagree. With ghosting there is nothing. You are left to write the explanation yourself, and most people write an unkind one: I said too much, I was not attractive enough, I was too keen.

There is also the practical confusion. You do not know when it ended, or whether it has. People describe checking their phone, rereading the last messages, and feeling foolish for still hoping. None of that is foolish. It is what minds do with an unfinished story.

What does being ghosted say about you?

Very little. You have one piece of data: this person chose not to say goodbye. That tells you how they handle discomfort. It does not tell you why they lost interest, and it certainly does not measure your worth.

People ghost for many reasons. They met someone else. They were never very invested. They are overwhelmed by something unrelated. They dislike conflict and tell themselves silence is kinder. Occasionally, a person ghosts because they felt unsafe, which is a legitimate reason to cut contact. From where you stand, you cannot tell which it was, and trying to work it out from old messages rarely settles anything.

It is worth being careful with research claims here too. A 2020 study of 626 adults ages 18 to 40 found that being breadcrumbed, kept on the hook with occasional noncommittal contact, was linked with lower life satisfaction and more loneliness and helplessness. It found no significant link between being ghosted alone and those measures. One study cannot settle the matter, but it suggests that a clean silence, however rude, may be easier to recover from than being strung along.

Should you send a message?

If you want to, send one. Keep it short, calm and free of questions that need an answer. Its purpose is to let you close the door yourself, not to get a reply.

Something like: "I haven't heard from you, so I'm assuming you've decided not to continue. I enjoyed meeting you and wish you well." Then put the phone down.

What tends not to help: a string of follow-ups, a long message explaining how hurt you are, asking mutual friends, or watching their social media for clues. Each of these keeps you in the waiting position. If they reply days later with a casual hello and no explanation, you are allowed to decide that someone who vanished once is not someone you want to rely on.

What helps in the days afterward

You do not need to pretend it did not matter. Even a few weeks of hope is a loss when it ends.

• Name it. "I was ghosted, and it hurts" is more accurate than "I'm being ridiculous."
• Set an end date for waiting. Decide that after a certain day you will treat it as over, whatever arrives later.
• Tell a friend. Shame grows in private, and almost everyone has a version of this story.
• Notice the story you are telling about yourself, and ask whether you would say it to a friend in the same position.
• Mute or remove the thread and their profiles so you are not checking.
• Do ordinary, physical things: sleep, food, a walk, time with people who like you.
• Hold off on sweeping conclusions about dating, men or yourself until the sting has faded.

When it keeps happening, or hits unusually hard

Being ghosted once or twice is an ordinary hazard of dating. If it has happened many times, it may be that you are meeting people in a setting where it is especially common, or that you tend to stay with people who were lukewarm from the start. The pages on situationships and mixed signals and choosing unavailable partners may be useful.

Sometimes a ghosting lands much harder than the length of the connection would explain. It can stir up older losses or a long-held fear of being left. If you are still very low after a few weeks, cannot stop going over it, or find yourself dreading dating altogether, that is worth attention; see dating anxiety.

Talking with a therapist can help you separate this one person's silence from what you believe about yourself. Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults; you can read about individual counseling or return to the dating guide for women.

If the feelings become overwhelming or you have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, at any hour; in an emergency call 911. And if you went quiet on someone because they frightened you, you owe no explanation; the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help with safety planning.

Common questions