Red flags early in dating

What counts as a red flag?

A red flag in dating is behavior that suggests a person may not treat you with respect or may try to control you. The most important early ones fall into three groups: control over what you do, pressure to go along with what they want, and contempt in how they speak to you or about others.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that at the start of a relationship it is not always easy to tell whether it will become abusive, that many abusive people appear to be ideal partners in the early stages, and that warning signs tend to emerge and intensify as the relationship grows. It also says that one feature shared by most abusive relationships is that one partner tries to establish power and control over the other.

That gives a practical test. For any behavior that bothers you, ask: does this take away some of my freedom to choose, to speak or to be myself? If so, it deserves attention even when it is wrapped in affection.

Control

Early control rarely looks like control. It looks like interest, worry or devotion. He wants to know where you are because he misses you. He would prefer you did not go out with those friends because he does not trust them. He texts constantly and is hurt if you do not answer right away.

The federal Office on Women's Health lists monitoring what you are doing all the time, demanding that you reply right away to texts and calls, demanding passwords, discouraging you from seeing friends or family, and making everyday decisions for you among the signs of abuse. The Hotline adds extreme jealousy of your friends or of time spent away from the partner.

• Wanting constant contact and becoming angry or wounded when you are unavailable.
• Jealousy presented as proof of love, including accusations about coworkers, friends or former partners.
• Comments on your clothes, friends, job or plans that go beyond an opinion and become an expectation.
• Asking for your passwords or looking through your phone.
• Small efforts to pull you away from people who know you well.

Pressure

Pressure is any attempt to get you past a "no" or a "not yet". It can be about sex, about drinking, about how fast the relationship is moving, about meeting his family or about moving in together. It can be loud, or it can be persistent, good-humored and hard to argue with.

The Hotline lists pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you are not comfortable with, and pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol, among the warning signs of abuse. Its description of a healthy relationship says that all partners always willingly consent to sexual activity and can safely discuss what they are and are not comfortable with.

A person who respects you may ask for something and be disappointed by the answer. What they do not do is keep asking, guilt you, go cold, or act as though your first answer was an opening offer. Very fast declarations and plans can be a form of pressure too; see love bombing or genuine interest?.

Contempt

Contempt is treating someone as beneath you. The Gottman Institute, drawing on psychologist John Gottman's research with couples, describes it as mocking, sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling and sneering, and as conveying disgust and superiority. Gottman's research identifies contempt as the strongest predictor of divorce among the four habits he calls the Four Horsemen.

Early in dating, contempt is often aimed at other people first. Notice how he talks about former partners, about women in general, about servers and coworkers. Notice jokes at your expense, especially in front of others, and what happens when you say one of them hurt. "You're too sensitive" is itself a small act of contempt.

The Hotline lists insulting, demeaning or shaming you, especially in front of other people, and telling you that you never do anything right, among its warning signs.

How is a red flag different from an ordinary flaw?

Everyone you date will have flaws. People are late, forgetful, nervous, bad at texting and clumsy with words. Treating every imperfection as a red flag makes dating impossible and is unfair to the other person.

Three questions help tell the difference. First, is it a pattern or a single event? Second, what happens when you raise it? A flaw can be discussed: the person listens, may be embarrassed, and tries to do better. A red flag tends to get worse when named: you are told you are overreacting, the subject is turned back on you, or there is an apology followed by the same behavior. Third, is it about your freedom or dignity? Being late is annoying. Being told whom you may see is something else.

The Hotline describes relationships on a spectrum from healthy to unhealthy to abusive. Plenty of behavior sits in the unhealthy middle: poor communication, dishonesty, inconsiderate behavior. Those are reasons to think carefully about whether this relationship is good for you, even when they are not dangerous.

What should you do if you notice red flags?

You do not have to be certain, and you do not have to prove anything to anyone. Feeling uneasy is enough reason to slow down.

• Slow the pace. See what happens when you take more time between dates or decline something. The response is informative.
• Talk to someone who knows you. Friends and family often see changes in you before you do, and isolation makes red flags harder to judge.
• Say it once, plainly, if you feel safe doing so: "I'm not comfortable with that." Then watch what happens next.
• Keep your own life intact: your friends, your routines, your money, your transportation.
• Trust the pattern over the apology. A sincere apology is followed by different behavior.
• If you feel afraid of how the person will react to a boundary or to ending things, treat that fear as important information and get advice before you act.

Where to get help

If someone you are dating frightens you, controls you or has hurt you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support at any hour: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Advocates will talk with you even if you are not sure whether what is happening counts as abuse, and they can help with a safety plan. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.

Couples counseling is not the right setting where there is abuse or coercive control, and the Hotline advises against it. Individual support is different. Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults; individual counseling can be a place to think through what you have noticed in a relationship and what you want to do about it. For the other side of the picture, see green flags and the rest of the dating guide for women.

Common questions