How safe is online dating?
Online dating is how a great many people meet, and most meetings are uneventful. It also carries real risks, and women report more of the unpleasant experiences. Knowing the common problems lets you take a few precautions without giving up on meeting people.
In a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2022, about half of U.S. adults (48%) said dating sites and apps are a very or somewhat safe way to meet people. Among women under 50 who had used them, 56% said they had been sent a sexually explicit message or image they did not ask for, and 43% said someone had continued to contact them after they said they were not interested. About half of all users (52%) said they had come across someone they thought was trying to scam them.
The steps below draw mainly on guidance from RAINN, the national anti-sexual-violence organization, and the Federal Trade Commission. They reduce risk. They cannot remove it, and they do not shift responsibility: if someone harms you, the fault is theirs.
Protecting yourself before you meet
RAINN's guidance for safer online dating centers on controlling what a stranger can learn about you and staying where there are tools to protect you.
- Guard personal details. RAINN advises against sharing your home address, phone number, workplace or daily routine until you have built trust. If you have children, keep their names, ages and schools private.
- Choose a username and photos that do not lead back to you. Use pictures that do not appear on your other profiles, since photos can be searched.
- Be cautious about linking social media to a dating profile.
- Keep the conversation in the app at first. RAINN notes that dating platforms offer protections and reporting tools that other channels do not, and that pressure to move elsewhere quickly is a warning sign.
- Look them up. A quick search of a name, photo and workplace is ordinary prudence. If something does not match, stop there.
- Think twice about photos. Do not send anything you would not want made public.
- Consider a video call before meeting. It confirms the person matches the profile and gives you a first read.
How to recognize a romance scam
Romance scammers build a relationship in order to ask for money. The Federal Trade Commission reports that in 2022 nearly 70,000 people reported a romance scam, with reported losses of $1.3 billion and a median loss of $4,400. People of every age and education level are taken in, because scammers are practiced and patient.
According to the FTC, the pattern is consistent. The person creates a fake profile, builds trust, sometimes chatting several times a day, and cannot meet in person: they say they are working abroad, on an oil rig, in the military or with an international organization. Then a problem appears and they ask for money, for a medical bill, a plane ticket, a visa or a fee. Some offer to help you invest in cryptocurrency.
Warning signs
- They profess strong feelings quickly and want to move off the dating app.
- There is always a reason they cannot meet or video call.
- They ask for money, gift cards, a wire transfer, a payment app transfer or cryptocurrency.
- They offer an investment opportunity.
- They ask for explicit photos, which the FTC warns can later be used for blackmail.
What the FTC advises
Never send money or gifts to someone you have not met in person. If you suspect a scam, stop communicating, talk to someone you trust, and do a reverse image search of the profile picture. If you have paid, contact your bank or the payment company right away, report it to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov, and tell the app where you met. Being scammed is a crime committed against you, not a sign of foolishness.
Planning a first meeting
RAINN's advice for meeting in person is built around three things: a public place, your own way home, and someone who knows where you are.
- Meet when you are ready. RAINN says there is no rush, and that being pressured to meet quickly is a red flag.
- Choose a public, busy place such as a coffee shop or restaurant, and avoid private or isolated locations for the first few dates.
- Arrange your own transportation there and back. RAINN advises against letting a first date pick you up or drive you home.
- Tell a friend or family member where you are going, whom you are meeting and when you expect to be back. Location sharing on your phone can help.
- Agree on a signal with a friend, a word or emoji that means "call me with an excuse to leave".
- Go easy on alcohol and keep your drink and food in sight.
- Carry some cash so you can pay and leave promptly.
- Wait to go to anyone's home until trust has been built over several meetings.
Trusting your read of a situation
Many women are raised to be polite even when uncomfortable. On a date, comfort outranks politeness. RAINN puts it directly: you do not owe anyone your time or politeness when your safety or comfort is at risk, and it is fine to end a date early, with an excuse or without one.
Pay attention to how a date responds to small limits: declining another drink, not wanting to be walked to your car, saying you would like to go home. A respectful person accepts these easily. Pushing past small limits is useful information about how larger ones would be treated. The page on red flags early in dating covers this in more depth.
If you feel uneasy and cannot say why, you can still leave. Bartenders and servers will often help if you tell them you feel unsafe.
If something goes wrong
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you have been sexually assaulted, RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline offers confidential support at any hour, and its website explains options for medical care and reporting; you can reach it through RAINN. What happened is not your fault, regardless of where you met, what you drank or which precautions you took.
If someone you are dating is threatening, stalking or controlling you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.
Report abusive users to the dating platform as well, and block them. Keeping screenshots of threatening messages can help if you decide to report to the police.
Afterward: when an experience stays with you
A frightening date, harassment or a scam can leave you shaken, ashamed or wary of dating at all. Those reactions are common. Talking to someone can help you recover your footing.
Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults; individual counseling is one place to work through an experience like this. See also dating anxiety, love bombing or genuine interest? and the rest of the dating guide for women.
Common questions
Is it rude to look someone up before a first date?
No. RAINN recommends researching a match online before meeting, and many people do it routinely. You are confirming that the person is who they say they are. You do not need to announce it or apologize for it. If a date objects strongly to ordinary caution, such as meeting in public or you arranging your own ride, that tells you something useful about them.
Should I give out my phone number before meeting?
You do not have to. RAINN lists your phone number among the details to keep private until trust is built, and advises keeping conversations in the dating app early on, where reporting and blocking tools exist. Many apps now offer voice or video calls inside the app. If you prefer to give a number, some people use a secondary number that is not tied to their other accounts.
How can I tell if a profile is fake?
Common signs include very polished photos, a profile with little detail, quick declarations of strong feeling, a job that keeps the person abroad, reasons they cannot video call or meet, and eventually a request for money or an investment offer. The Federal Trade Commission suggests a reverse image search of the profile photo and searching the person's stated job together with the word scammer.
What should I do if a date makes me uncomfortable but nothing has happened?
Leave. You do not need to wait for proof or for something to happen. Say you need to go, or use an excuse, or ask staff for help. Text your friend. Afterward you can block the person and report them to the app if their behavior warranted it. Feeling uncomfortable is enough of a reason, and you never have to justify ending a date.
I sent money to someone I met online. What now?
Contact your bank, card company or the payment service immediately and say you paid a scammer; ask whether the payment can be reversed. Stop all contact with the person. Report it to the Federal Trade Commission at ReportFraud.ftc.gov and to the dating platform. Tell someone you trust. Scammers are skilled and many careful people are caught; shame keeps people silent, and silence helps the scammer.