Dating again after divorce or a long relationship

How do you know when you are ready to date again?

You are ready to date again when you want to, and when you can do it without it knocking you flat. There is no required waiting period. Formulas that tie readiness to the length of your marriage have no research behind them. Some people are ready within months, and some need much longer. Both are fine.

The American Psychological Association describes the end of a marriage as typically unleashing a flood of emotions, including anger, grief, anxiety and fear, which can rise up when least expected. It also says this response is normal and that the intensity subsides over time. Dating while those feelings are still at full strength is possible, but it is harder, and it is harder to see a new person clearly.

The rest of this page offers some signs of readiness, a picture of what has changed, and ways to pace yourself.

Signs you may be ready, and signs to wait

These are not a test. They are questions to be honest with yourself about.

What has changed about dating?

If your last first date was a long time ago, the mechanics will be different. Much of dating now begins on a phone. In a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2022, three in ten U.S. adults said they had used a dating site or app, including 36% of adults who were divorced, separated or widowed. Among people ages 50 and older who had used these platforms, Match was far more common than Tinder.

Apps bring more choice and more noise. In the same survey, women who had used dating platforms were roughly split on whether their experience had been positive or negative. Expect some mixed signals, some conversations that fade, and some outright rudeness, alongside some pleasant people. None of that is a judgment on you. See being ghosted and situationships and mixed signals.

Safety habits have changed too, and scams aimed at people looking for companionship are common. Before you meet anyone from an app, read dating safety: online and on first dates.

Apps are not compulsory. People still meet through friends, work, faith communities, classes and volunteering, and many find that easier after a long time away.

How to pace yourself

After a long relationship, it is easy to move either very fast, because being part of a couple is what you know, or not at all. A middle path tends to serve people better.

• Start small. Coffee or a walk. Think of early dates as practice at meeting people, not auditions for a spouse.
• Say where you are. "I've been divorced about a year and I'm taking things slowly" is honest and sets a pace.
• Do not rush to recreate what you had. The habits of a long marriage, daily contact, shared weekends, shared decisions, take time to build with someone new.
• Keep your own life. The friendships and routines you rebuilt after the separation are worth protecting.
• Be careful with intensity. After a lonely stretch, a person who is very keen very fast can feel like rescue. See love bombing or genuine interest?.
• Expect your feelings to lag. Guilt, sadness about your marriage or sudden grief on a good date are common and do not mean you are doing it wrong.

If you have children

Children add a layer, whatever their ages. Many parents choose to keep early dating separate from family life and to introduce a new partner only once the relationship is established and likely to last. That protects children from attaching to people who then disappear, and it gives you room to find out who someone is first.

The American Psychological Association notes that research suggests most children adjust well within two years following a divorce, and that parents can do a lot to ease the transition. How and when to tell your children you are dating depends on their ages and on your family, and it is a reasonable thing to talk through with a counselor. On safety, the sexual-violence organization RAINN advises parents who date online to keep information about their children private.

What your last relationship can teach you

A long relationship leaves you with information: what you need, what you cannot live with, how you behave under strain. It is worth sorting through before, or while, you date. The American Psychological Association says psychologists can help people think carefully about what went wrong in a marriage so they can avoid repeating negative patterns in the next relationship.

If your marriage was one in which you were not treated well, you may not have a clear picture of what good treatment looks like. The pages on what a gentleman actually is today and green flags are a place to start, and the rest of the dating guide for women builds on them.

If you left a relationship that involved abuse or control, your safety comes first, and a former partner's reaction to your dating can be a real risk. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential safety planning at 1-800-799-7233. In an emergency call 911; if you are in crisis, call or text 988.

Support while you start again

Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults. Individual counseling can be a place to grieve what ended, take stock of what you learned and think about what you want next, at your own pace. Counseling does not come with a promise about how things will turn out, but many people find the ground steadier for having talked it through.

There is more about the wider adjustment in life after divorce. And if you later find yourself in a new relationship you both want to strengthen, couples counseling is available too.

Common questions