When is it worth talking to a therapist about dating?
It is worth talking to a therapist about dating when your own efforts and your friends' advice have not changed something that keeps hurting. That might be a pattern across relationships, anxiety that takes over, grief from a breakup that will not ease, or a sense that you do not know what being treated well looks like.
The American Psychological Association says people seek psychotherapy for many reasons, including relationship troubles and short-term problems they need help navigating, such as a divorce. Among its signs that therapy could help are problems that do not seem to get better despite your efforts and help from family and friends, and worrying excessively or being constantly on edge.
You do not need a diagnosis. Wanting to understand yourself better in relationships is a sufficient reason.
Signs it might help
Any one of these is a reasonable starting point for a first conversation.
- You keep ending up in the same kind of relationship, with different people. See why do I keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners?
- Dating makes you so anxious that you avoid it, or it takes over your thoughts when you do it. See dating anxiety.
- A breakup, a ghosting or a divorce is still weighing on you long after you expected to feel better.
- You find it hard to say what you want, or to say no, and tend to go along.
- You are not sure whether how you are being treated is acceptable.
- Past experiences, including a relationship in which you were mistreated, are shaping how you react to new people.
- You feel worse about yourself the longer you date.
- You are starting again after a long relationship and feel lost. See dating again after divorce.
What does talking to a therapist about dating look like?
It looks like a conversation, usually a regular one. The American Psychological Association describes psychotherapy as a collaborative treatment based on the relationship between an individual and a therapist, grounded in dialogue, in a supportive environment that allows you to talk openly with someone who is objective, neutral and nonjudgmental.
In practice, a therapist is likely to ask about what has been happening, what you hope for, and something of your history: earlier relationships and what you learned about love growing up. Over time the two of you look for patterns. What draws you to someone. What you do when you feel unsure. What you tell yourself when it ends. The aim is for you to see your own situation more clearly, so that your choices become more your own.
A therapist will not usually tell you whether to text him back or whether a particular man is right for you. That can be frustrating at first. It is deliberate: the goal is to strengthen your judgment, not replace it.
Every therapist works a little differently, and practical details vary. For how Laura Bass works, and for questions about scheduling and cost, the best step is to ask her directly through the contact page.
How is therapy different from dating coaching or advice from friends?
Friends love you and take your side. That is their job, and it is valuable. It also means they may tell you what you want to hear, or grow tired of a story they have heard before. A therapist is outside your life, has no stake in what you decide, and keeps what you say confidential within the limits the law sets.
Dating coaches generally focus on strategy: profiles, conversation, where to meet people. Some are helpful. Coaching is not a regulated mental health profession, and it is not designed to address anxiety, grief, the effects of past mistreatment or long-standing patterns. The National Institute of Mental Health describes psychotherapy as treatments that aim to help a person identify and change troubling emotions, thoughts and behaviors, provided by a licensed mental health professional.
Much popular dating advice also rests on rules and tactics. Therapy goes the other way. It is less about how to be chosen and more about how to choose.
Individual or couples counseling?
If you are single or dating, individual counseling is the natural fit. It is also the right choice if you are in a relationship and want to think about it privately, including whether to stay.
If you are in an established relationship and both of you want to work on how you communicate, couples counseling may suit you better. The couples communication pages describe the patterns couples work on.
There is one firm exception. Where a partner is abusive or controlling, couples counseling is not appropriate. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner, and explains that abuse is not a relationship problem. Individual support, and a conversation with a trained advocate, are the appropriate steps.
What therapy can and cannot do
Therapy cannot find you a partner, change another person or make dating painless, and no honest therapist will claim otherwise. Laura does not promise outcomes.
What many people take from it is quieter. A clearer sense of what they want. More ease in saying it. Faster recognition of treatment they will not accept. Less self-blame when something ends. Those things tend to change how dating feels, whether or not they change how it turns out.
Getting started in Charlotte
Laura Bass is a psychotherapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, who works with adults in individual and couples counseling. You can read about individual counseling, learn more about Laura, or get in touch through the contact page to ask whether what you are dealing with is something she works with.
When choosing any therapist, the American Psychological Association suggests looking for someone who makes you feel comfortable and inspires confidence, and asking about their training and experience with problems like yours. It is fine to speak with more than one person before deciding.
If you need help sooner than an appointment: the National Domestic Violence Hotline is confidential at any hour at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.
The rest of the dating guide for women is there to read in the meantime, beginning with what a gentleman actually is today.
Common questions
Is it silly to go to therapy just for dating problems?
No. Relationships are among the most important parts of most people's lives, and difficulty with them is a common reason people seek therapy. The American Psychological Association lists relationship troubles among the reasons people consider psychotherapy. Dating touches on self-worth, trust, loss and hope. Wanting help with that is not trivial, and you do not need a more serious-sounding reason.
Will a therapist tell me what I am doing wrong?
A good therapist is not there to find fault. The work is to understand what happens, including your part in a pattern, without blame. You may come to see habits you would like to change, such as staying too long or not saying what you want. That is different from being told you are the problem. Often the first discovery is that your reactions make sense given your history.
How long does therapy for relationship patterns take?
It varies with the person and the goal. Thinking through a specific decision or a recent breakup may take a short time. Understanding and shifting a long-standing pattern usually takes longer. A therapist can talk with you early on about what you hope to get from the work and review it as you go. Ask Laura directly how she approaches this.
Can I come to counseling alone if I am in a relationship?
Yes. Many people use individual counseling to think about a relationship they are in: whether it is good for them, how to raise something difficult, or what they want. You do not need your partner's agreement or involvement. If you are afraid of your partner's reaction to your seeking help, tell the therapist, and consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline for confidential advice.
Does Laura offer online sessions, and what does it cost?
Those are questions for Laura herself. This page does not list fees, insurance or session formats, because they can change and are best confirmed directly. You can ask through the contact page, and it is entirely reasonable to ask about practical details before booking a first appointment.