Grief does not follow one shape, and neither do the books about it. Some people want company from a writer who has been through it. Others want to understand what is happening in their mind and body.
This list mixes memoir, research and practical guidance, written by clinicians, grief researchers and writers who lost someone close. Start with one.
A book is not a substitute for therapy, and grief is not something you are supposed to manage alone. If you are in the Charlotte area and want support, see individual counseling, our list of therapists for life transitions in Charlotte, or the article grief does not run to a schedule.
If you are thinking about suicide or are in crisis, call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
The list
1.The Year of Magical Thinking
Joan Didion / Vintage (Penguin Random House)
Best for: Sudden loss of a spouse or partner
Days before Christmas 2003, Joan Didion's daughter was hospitalized in an induced coma; days later her husband, John Gregory Dunne, died of a heart attack at the dinner table. This memoir is her attempt to make sense of the months that followed.
It is exact and unsentimental, and offers no advice. It may be hard going for someone who wants practical help, or whose loss is very recent and still raw.
- Penguin Random House lists the hardcover as published October 4, 2005 and the Vintage paperback as February 13, 2007 (240 pages).
- The publisher's page notes that it won the National Book Award.
2.A Grief Observed
C. S. Lewis / HarperOne
Best for: Grief that shakes religious faith
C. S. Lewis wrote these notes after the death of his wife. It is a very short book, and an honest one: Lewis, a believer, describes losing his sense of meaning and slowly finding his bearings again.
It suits readers whose grief has raised hard questions about God, and anyone who wants something brief. People looking for practical coping strategies, or who do not share a Christian frame, may connect with it less.
- HarperOne publishes it in paperback, hardcover, ebook and audiobook.
- The publisher describes it as Lewis's reflection on life, death and faith, written after his wife's death.
3.It's OK That You're Not OK
Megan Devine / Sounds True
Best for: Feeling judged or rushed by other people
Megan Devine is a therapist whose partner drowned in an accident. Her book pushes back on the idea that grief is a problem to solve, and on stages and timetables. It also covers sleep, stress and how to support someone else.
It suits people who feel misunderstood by the advice they are getting. Devine is openly critical of how well-meaning advice, and sometimes therapy, can make grief harder; readers who want a science-led account may prefer O'Connor or Bonanno.
- Sounds True publishes the book; the author's site says it is available in print, audio and digital formats.
- The publisher describes a middle path of building a life alongside grief rather than trying to overcome it.
4.The Grieving Brain
Mary-Frances O'Connor / HarperOne
Best for: Understanding why grief feels the way it does
Mary-Frances O'Connor is a psychology professor at the University of Arizona who studies grief and the brain. She explains, in plain language, why it is so hard to grasp that someone has died, why grieving takes time, and how grief differs from prolonged grief.
It suits people who feel steadier when they understand what is going on; it may feel less personal to someone who mainly wants company.
- HarperCollins lists the HarperOne paperback as on sale February 7, 2023 (256 pages).
- The author's site describes her as Professor of Psychology, University of Arizona.
5.The Other Side of Sadness
George A. Bonanno / Basic Books (Hachette)
Best for: People surprised that they are coping
George Bonanno is a psychologist who studies resilience after loss. He argues that mourning is far from predictable, and that emotions such as relief and even joy can help people deal with loss.
It suits readers who feel guilty that they are not falling apart, and those who want research rather than reassurance. Someone in intense, disabling grief may find the emphasis on resilience hard to hear, and should not take it as a reason to go without support.
- Hachette Book Group lists the revised Basic Books edition as on sale November 5, 2019 (368 pages).
- The publisher describes it as challenging the conventional five-stage view of grief.
6.On Grief and Grieving
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler / Scribner
Best for: Readers who find the stages a useful vocabulary
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist, first described the five stages in On Death and Dying. Before her death in 2004, she and David Kessler completed this book, which applies the stages to grief and adds sections on sadness, dreams, isolation and more.
It suits people who find the stages give them words for what they feel. Read it alongside Bonanno or Devine if the idea of stages starts to feel like a test you are failing.
- Simon & Schuster lists this Scribner edition as published August 12, 2014 (272 pages).
- The publisher describes Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD (1926 to 2004) as a Swiss-born psychiatrist and the author of On Death and Dying.
7.Finding Meaning
David Kessler / Scribner
Best for: Later in grief, when the question becomes what now
David Kessler, who co-wrote On Grief and Grieving, wrote this book after the sudden death of his son. He proposes a sixth stage beyond acceptance: finding meaning.
It suits people some way into grief who are asking how to carry the loss forward. In the first weeks, talk of meaning can feel premature, and it is fine to leave this one for later.
- Simon & Schuster lists this Scribner edition as published September 1, 2020 (272 pages).
- The publisher describes it as introducing meaning as a sixth stage of grief.
8.Bearing the Unbearable
Joanne Cacciatore / Wisdom Publications
Best for: Traumatic or out-of-order losses, including the death of a child
Joanne Cacciatore is a bereavement educator, researcher and Zen priest who has spent decades supporting grieving families, and is herself a bereaved mother. The book is made of short chapters that can be read in any order or aloud in a support group.
It suits people whose loss feels too large for ordinary advice. The author is a Zen priest and the publisher is a Buddhist press, which some readers will welcome and others will not.
- Simon & Schuster, as distributor, lists the Wisdom Publications edition as published June 27, 2017.
- Wisdom Publications describes it as organized into fifty-two short chapters, and as written for grief counselors, therapists, clergy and medical professionals as well as the bereaved.
Choosing a book for where you are
Early grief shrinks concentration. If reading a full chapter feels impossible, that is common. Start with something short, or listen to an audiobook.
- Want company from someone who has been there: Didion, Lewis or Devine.
- Want to understand grief: O'Connor or Bonanno.
- Find the stages helpful: Kübler-Ross and Kessler, then Finding Meaning.
- Facing a traumatic or out-of-order loss: Cacciatore.
When to look for more than a book
Grief is a normal response to loss, and not everyone who grieves needs therapy. It can help to talk to a therapist if you cannot function at work or home for a long stretch, if you are using alcohol or other substances to get through the day, if the loss was traumatic, or if you simply have no one to talk to.
Laura Bass Counseling works with adults on grief and loss. Local groups and hospice programs are listed in finding support in the Charlotte area.
Questions people ask
- Is there a right order to grieve in?
- Not according to several of these authors. Bonanno challenges the five-stage view, and Devine argues against stages and timetables altogether. Others find the stages a useful vocabulary.
- Can reading about grief make it worse?
- Sometimes, if a book tells you how you should feel. If one does, put it down. Memoirs and research books affect people differently, and it is fine to try another.
- Should I see a therapist or just read?
- Many people do both. A book cannot notice if you are struggling more than you realize; a therapist can. See individual counseling if you want to talk it through.
- What if I am having thoughts of suicide?
- Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
Sources
- The Year of Magical Thinking, Penguin Random House
- A Grief Observed, HarperCollins
- It's OK That You're Not OK, Sounds True
- The Grieving Brain, HarperCollins
- The Other Side of Sadness, Hachette Book Group
- On Grief and Grieving, Simon & Schuster
- Finding Meaning, Simon & Schuster
- Bearing the Unbearable, Wisdom Publications
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988 Lifeline
Published by Laura Bass Counseling as general information, not personal advice or an endorsement. Details change: confirm anything you rely on with the organization itself. Published .