After an affair or a serious breach of trust, many people reach for a book before a therapist. A book is private, it is there at two in the morning, and it can put words to feelings that are hard to say out loud.
The books below come from clinicians and researchers who work on infidelity, attachment and trust. They do not agree on everything. Some offer a structured program, some read more like an essay, and one is written mainly for professionals. We say who each one tends to suit, and where it may not fit, so you can pick one rather than buy all seven.
A book is not a substitute for therapy. It can give you language and a map, but it cannot sit with the two of you while you have the hardest conversations. If you are in Charlotte and want that kind of help, see infidelity counseling or our list of infidelity counselors in Charlotte.
The list
1.NOT "Just Friends"
Shirley P. Glass with Jean Coppock Staeheli / Atria Books
Best for: Understanding how an affair began and what repair involves
Shirley Glass, a psychologist, researched extramarital relationships for decades and treated couples in private practice. The book follows infidelity from suspicion and discovery through recovery, and looks closely at how friendships, at work or online, can drift into an affair.
It suits couples who want to understand how it happened, and people who want to protect a relationship before trust breaks. The framing is marriage throughout, so unmarried partners may need to translate.
- Simon & Schuster lists the Atria Books edition as published February 3, 2004 (448 pages).
- The publisher's author note describes Shirley P. Glass, PhD, as a licensed psychologist with a diplomate in family psychology who had researched extramarital relationships since 1975.
2.After the Affair, Third Edition
Janis A. Spring / Harper Paperbacks (HarperCollins)
Best for: Both the hurt partner and the partner who strayed
Janis Abrahms Spring is a clinical psychologist who treats couples and trains therapists. Her book speaks to both partners, which is rarer than it sounds.
It is organized in three stages: normalizing the crisis, deciding whether to recommit, and rebuilding trust and sexual intimacy. It suits couples who are still deciding whether to stay, not only those who have already decided.
- HarperCollins publishes the third edition under its Harper Paperbacks imprint; the audiobook edition is listed as on sale February 2, 2021.
- The publisher notes that the author served as a clinical supervisor in the Department of Psychology at Yale University.
3.Getting Past the Affair, Second Edition
Douglas K. Snyder, Kristina Coop Gordon and Donald H. Baucom / Guilford Press
Best for: Couples who want a structured, research-based program
Written by three academic couple therapists, this is the most workbook-like book on the list. It moves from processing what happened and coping with anger and mistrust, to understanding how the affair came about, to deciding how to move forward, together or apart.
One of the authors, Donald Baucom, is at UNC Chapel Hill. It suits readers who like structure and exercises; people who want a more reflective read may prefer Perel or Glass.
- Guilford Press lists the second edition in paperback on September 5, 2023 (294 pages).
- Guilford describes the book as covering infidelity in all its forms, sexual or emotional, in person or online, and offers printable practical tools.
- Guilford lists Donald H. Baucom, PhD, as Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
4.The State of Affairs
Esther Perel / Harper Paperbacks (HarperCollins)
Best for: Readers who want to understand why affairs happen
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist who worked with couples dealing with infidelity in many countries. The book mixes case stories with cultural analysis and asks why people in happy marriages cheat, and why an affair hurts as much as it does.
It can help both partners see the affair from more than one side. It may not suit a hurt partner in the first raw weeks, because Perel takes the unfaithful partner's experience seriously and argues that an affair can sometimes lead to a different relationship with the same person. Some readers find that freeing; others find it too soon.
- HarperCollins lists the Harper Paperbacks edition as on sale October 9, 2018 (352 pages).
- The publisher describes it as drawing on a decade of work with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity.
5.Hold Me Tight
Sue Johnson / Little, Brown Spark (Hachette)
Best for: Couples rebuilding emotional connection, not only after an affair
Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist who died in 2024, was the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), one of the best-known approaches in couples therapy. The book is built around seven conversations, including one on forgiving injuries.
It is not an infidelity book as such. It suits couples whose trust has worn down through distance, repeated fights or a single wound. Readers who want a plan for the first weeks after an affair will find more in Spring or Snyder and colleagues.
- Hachette Book Group lists the Little, Brown Spark edition with an on-sale date of April 8, 2008.
- The publisher describes Dr. Sue Johnson as the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy.
- The seven conversations include "Forgiving Injuries" and "Revisiting a Rocky Moment".
6.What Makes Love Last?
John Gottman and Nan Silver / Simon & Schuster
Best for: Spotting everyday betrayals before they grow
Subtitled How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, this is John Gottman's most accessible book on trust. It draws on his research lab and argues that betrayal often takes quieter forms than a sexual affair.
It suits couples who sense trust slipping, and couples after an affair who want to look at what was happening beforehand. Some readers may find it more analytical than comforting.
- Simon & Schuster lists this edition as published September 10, 2013 (304 pages).
- The publisher's author note describes John Gottman, PhD, as a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington.
7.The Science of Trust
John M. Gottman / Norton Professional Books
Best for: Readers who want the research in depth
This is the longer, more technical companion to What Makes Love Last? Gottman sets out his idea of emotional attunement: a couple's ability to process a negative event, repair it and move on.
It is published on Norton's professional list and runs to about 500 pages, so it will suit therapists, students and readers who enjoy research detail. Most couples in the middle of a crisis will get more from the shorter books above.
- W. W. Norton lists it under Norton Professional Books, available for sale from May 9, 2011 (504 pages).
- Norton describes the book as presenting emotional attunement as a fundamental social skill for couples.
How to choose one
Start with where you are, not with the most famous title. In the first weeks after an affair comes to light, most people need steadiness and structure more than theory.
- Just found out and reeling: After the Affair or Getting Past the Affair.
- Trying to understand how it happened: NOT "Just Friends" or The State of Affairs.
- Trust worn down over time rather than broken in one moment: Hold Me Tight or What Makes Love Last?
- Want the research itself: The Science of Trust.
Reading together, or apart
Some couples read the same book and talk about one chapter a week. Others find that reading side by side turns into a debate. If that happens, read separately and bring one idea each to the conversation, or to a counseling session.
If there is any violence, threat or controlling behavior in the relationship, couples exercises may not be safe. Talk to an individual therapist first, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Where counseling fits
Books are good at explaining. Counseling is where two people practice, with someone who can slow the conversation down when it starts to go wrong. Laura Bass Counseling works with couples on infidelity and rebuilding trust; you can read more in rebuilding trust after infidelity and when couples consider counseling.
Questions people ask
- Can a book replace couples counseling after an affair?
- No. A book can give you language and a structure, but it cannot respond to what actually happens between the two of you. Many couples use a book alongside couples counseling.
- Should the partner who had the affair read these too?
- Yes, if they are willing. After the Affair and Getting Past the Affair are written for both partners, and The State of Affairs looks closely at the unfaithful partner's side.
- Are these books only for married couples?
- Several use the language of marriage, but the ideas apply to any committed relationship. Getting Past the Affair explicitly addresses diverse partnerships.
- What if we cannot agree on whether to stay together?
- That is common, and several of these books treat it as a real decision rather than assuming reconciliation. A counselor can help you make it without rushing.
Sources
- NOT "Just Friends", Simon & Schuster
- After the Affair, Third Edition, HarperCollins
- Getting Past the Affair, Second Edition, Guilford Press
- The State of Affairs, HarperCollins
- Hold Me Tight, Hachette Book Group
- What Makes Love Last?, Simon & Schuster
- The Science of Trust, W. W. Norton & Company
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, The Hotline
Published by Laura Bass Counseling as general information, not personal advice or an endorsement. Details change: confirm anything you rely on with the organization itself. Published .