Most advice on choosing a therapist covers the basics: experience with your concern, cost, insurance, confidentiality and what the therapist does not treat. We cover those in how to tell whether a therapist is a good fit, and they apply to couples work too.
This list is about what changes when the client is a relationship. Who hears what, how the counselor stays fair to both of you, and what happens when one partner is more certain than the other. If you are still deciding whether to go at all, start with when couples consider counseling. You do not need to ask all twelve; pick the few that match what worries you most.
The list
1.Are you licensed in North Carolina, and by which board?
Credentials
Best for: Anyone, before the first session
Several kinds of license allow someone to offer couples counseling in North Carolina, each issued by a different state board. A good answer names the license and the board without hesitation. Then check it yourself on the board's free lookup.
Type the board's address in yourself rather than following a search result. During our research, one address resembling the social work board's led to an unrelated gambling site, and an older marriage and family therapy address no longer loads the board. Use the addresses below.
- Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselors (LCMHC, LCMHCA, LCMHCS): North Carolina Board of Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselors, ncblcmhc.org, license lookup at portal.ncblcmhc.org/verification/search.aspx
- Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW, LCSWA, CSW): North Carolina Social Work Certification and Licensure Board, ncswboard.gov, which links to its license lookup
- Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT, LMFTA): North Carolina Marriage and Family Therapy Licensure Board, ncbmft.org, with a Verify a Licensee page
- Licensed psychologists: North Carolina Psychology Board, whose license verification is at ncpsychologyboard.org/license-verification/
2.What training have you had specifically in couples work?
Training
Best for: Checking couples experience, not just a license
A license tells you someone may practice, not how much of their training was with couples. Some licenses, such as marriage and family therapy, center on relationships; others are broader, and the counselor may have added couples training later.
A good answer is specific: what couples training they have, roughly how much of their week is couples work, and which problems they see most.
3.How would you describe your approach with couples, in plain words?
Approach
Best for: Couples comparing more than one counselor
Couples counselors draw on a range of models, and many combine them. The name matters less than whether you can picture the sessions. Will you mostly talk to each other or to the counselor? Will they teach skills, explore patterns, or both?
Listen for a counselor who can explain their method without jargon and who admits it will be adjusted to you. Be cautious about anyone who promises that one method works for every couple.
4.Will we always meet together, or sometimes one at a time?
Format
Best for: Partners who want some time to speak alone
Some counselors see a couple only together. Others build in one or two individual sessions early on, or use them when things get stuck. Neither is wrong, but you should know which to expect.
A good answer explains why they work that way and how individual sessions fit into the couple's work, which leads straight into the next question.
5.What happens if one of us tells you something privately?
Confidentiality between partners
Best for: Any couple where individual sessions are possible
This one is easy to forget. If one partner shares something in a phone call or individual session, will the counselor keep it private, require it to be shared, or something in between? Ask for their policy up front, ideally in writing.
For members of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, its code of ethics says the therapist must not reveal one partner's confidences to the other without that person's prior written permission. Other professions have their own codes, so ask what applies.
- AAMFT Code of Ethics (effective January 1, 2026), Standard 2.2: in couple, family or group treatment, the therapist must not reveal any individual's confidences to others in the client unit without that individual's prior written permission
6.How do you keep from taking sides?
Balance
Best for: Couples where one partner fears being ganged up on
It is common for at least one partner to worry privately that the counselor will side with the other. Ask directly. A good answer acknowledges that it can happen, explains how the counselor watches for it, and invites you to say so if you feel it.
An answer that treats the question as an insult tells you something too.
7.Have you worked with couples like us?
Fit
Best for: Same-sex, interfaith, intercultural and blended-family couples
Whatever makes your relationship particular, such as faith, culture, sexuality, a blended family or a large age gap, it is fair to ask whether the counselor has worked with it and how comfortable they are. A good answer is honest about gaps; curiosity and openness count for a lot.
- AAMFT Code of Ethics, Standard 1.1: non-discrimination, including on the basis of religion, sexual orientation, gender identity and marital status
8.How do you work with an affair or a serious breach of trust?
Infidelity
Best for: Couples coming in after a discovery
If an affair, hidden spending or another breach is why you are calling, ask how the counselor handles it. Do they work with both the hurt and the practical questions? How do they approach an affair that may still be going on?
A good answer treats both partners as people and does not promise a particular result. We write more about this in rebuilding trust after infidelity.
9.What do you do if there is fear, threats or violence in the relationship?
Safety
Best for: Anyone who feels afraid of a partner
A careful couples counselor screens for this, often by speaking with each partner alone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline advises against couples therapy with an abusive partner, partly because the counselor may not know about the abuse and may be persuaded that the other partner is responsible for the problems.
A good answer explains how they check for safety and what they would suggest instead. If you are afraid of your partner, you can reach the Hotline at 800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline states that couples therapy or counseling with an abusive partner is not recommended
10.How do you work with a couple when we want different things?
Mixed goals
Best for: Couples where one partner is less sure
Partners rarely arrive equally hopeful. One may want to repair things while the other is unsure or leaning toward leaving. Ask how the counselor works when goals differ, and whether they help couples decide as well as repair.
A good answer shows that the counselor will not pretend both of you want the same outcome, and will not push either of you toward one.
11.What happens if only one of us can make a session?
Logistics
Best for: Couples with shift work, travel or children at home
Some counselors will see one partner alone that day, some prefer to reschedule, and some decide case by case. The answer affects cancellation fees and the privacy question above.
It also matters for records. The AAMFT code says that in couple treatment, the therapist does not release records without written authorization from each person, so ask who will be able to see what.
- AAMFT Code of Ethics, Standard 2.3: in couple treatment, records are released only with written authorization from each individual
12.What will you ask of us between sessions?
Between sessions
Best for: Busy couples planning their time
Some counselors give exercises, reading or conversations to try at home. Others keep the work in the room. Knowing this ahead of time helps you judge whether you can realistically take part.
A good answer is flexible and explains what the work is for, not just what it is.
How to use these questions
Many counselors offer a short phone call before booking. Decide together which questions matter most, and let both partners ask at least one. A counselor who welcomes your questions now is showing you how they will handle harder ones later.
Signs to slow down
- Any promise about how counseling will turn out for your relationship
- No clear answer about how private conversations are handled
- A license you cannot find on the state board's lookup
- Pressure to commit to a fixed number of sessions before you have met
Questions people ask
- Is it rude to ask a counselor all these questions?
- No. Asking questions before you start is part of giving informed consent, and most counselors expect it. Keep the list short on a first call.
- Where do I look up a counselor's license in North Carolina?
- On the board that issued it: the Board of Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselors, the Social Work Certification and Licensure Board, the Marriage and Family Therapy Licensure Board or the Psychology Board. Each has a free lookup, listed in the first question above.
Sources
- AAMFT Code of Ethics (effective January 1, 2026), American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
- License Verification, North Carolina Board of Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselors
- North Carolina Social Work Certification and Licensure Board, NC Social Work Certification and Licensure Board
- Verify a Licensee, North Carolina Marriage and Family Therapy Licensure Board
- License Verification, North Carolina Psychology Board
- Should I Go To Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?, National Domestic Violence Hotline
Published by Laura Bass Counseling as general information, not personal advice or an endorsement. Details change: confirm anything you rely on with the organization itself. Published .