What does coping actually mean?
Coping skills are the deliberate things you think and do to manage stress. Stress researchers Susan Folkman and Judith Moskowitz define coping as the thoughts and behaviors used to manage the internal and external demands of situations that are appraised as stressful. A clinical review in the NIH's StatPearls series uses almost the same words, and adds that coping is conscious and voluntary, unlike defense mechanisms, which run outside awareness.
In everyday terms, coping is what you reach for when life asks more of you than feels comfortable. Making a plan, calling a friend, going for a walk, taking a slow breath before answering an email, praying, crying, writing a list: all of these are coping. So, less helpfully, are the third glass of wine and the evening lost to scrolling.
What are the main kinds of coping?
Coping research grew largely out of the work of Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman, and one of its most useful ideas is a simple split between two broad kinds of coping. Many specific skills fit under one or both.
Coping with the problem
Problem-focused coping tries to change the situation that is causing the stress. Breaking a big task into steps, having the conversation you have been avoiding, asking for an extension, looking for a new job, or setting a limit on your time are all examples. It works best when the problem is something you can actually influence.
Coping with the feelings
Emotion-focused coping works on the distress itself: calming your body, talking it through, putting the feeling into words, finding some perspective, or simply letting yourself be sad. It matters most when the situation cannot be changed, or cannot be changed yet, such as a diagnosis, a loss, or waiting to hear about a layoff.
Meaning, connection and faith
Later researchers, Folkman among them, have paid more attention to coping that draws on meaning: holding on to what matters to you, finding something worthwhile in a hard season, leaning on faith or community. Reaching out to other people runs through all of it. The National Institute of Mental Health lists staying connected with friends and family who can offer emotional support and practical help among its basic self-care steps.
Is there a right way to cope?
Not in general. Folkman and Moskowitz name effectiveness as one of the field's hardest questions, because the same strategy can help in one situation and backfire in another. Distraction is a good example. It can get you through a hospital waiting room. As a way of handling a growing debt, it lets the problem get bigger.
A more practical question is whether a way of coping fits the problem in front of you and what it costs you later. Healthy and unhealthy coping looks at that question in more detail, including the quick fixes that make things worse over time.
Flexibility seems to matter more than any single favorite skill. People who cope well tend to have several options and to notice when one has stopped working.
Examples of coping skills adults use
A short and far from complete list, to show the range. The NIMH notes that it may take trial and error to find what works best for you.
- For the body: slow breathing, muscle relaxation, a walk, regular meals and sleep. See calming your body when stress hits.
- For the present moment: grounding through the senses when your mind is racing. See grounding techniques.
- For strong feelings: naming the emotion, riding out an urge without acting on it, and other skills drawn from dialectical behavior therapy. See managing overwhelming emotions.
- For the inner critic: speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a friend who was struggling. See self-compassion.
- For the problem itself: deciding what must happen now and what can wait, and saying no to new tasks when you are already overloaded, which the NIMH also suggests.
- For connection and meaning: talking to someone you trust, prayer or reflection, time in nature, creative work.
Why coping skills stop working
Coping skills are tuned to the life you had when you learned them. A strategy that carried you through school or an early career, such as working harder and sleeping less, may be the wrong tool when you are caring for a parent, raising children and holding a demanding job at once. Stress that piles up for months also wears down the energy coping requires.
If you notice that you cannot handle things the way you once did, that is common, and it says more about the load than about you. When you cannot cope like you used to walks through what tends to be going on.
When to get support
The NIMH suggests seeking professional help when distressing symptoms have lasted two weeks or more, such as trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, difficulty getting out of bed because of mood, trouble concentrating, loss of interest in things you usually enjoy, or being unable to complete usual tasks.
Counseling is one place to build coping skills on purpose rather than by accident. Laura Bass works with adults in Charlotte, North Carolina, on coping skills, long-running stress and finding a more balanced life, and she works with the whole person, mind, body and spirit. You can read about individual counseling or contact Laura with questions.
If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. In an emergency, call 911.
Common questions
What is the difference between a coping skill and a coping mechanism?
People often use the terms interchangeably. In clinical writing, coping usually means conscious, chosen responses to stress, while defense mechanisms are automatic and largely outside awareness. Calling something a skill is a useful reminder that it can be learned and practiced. Even a habit you fell into without thinking, such as staying busy, can become something you choose more deliberately once you notice it.
Can adults learn new coping skills?
Yes. Coping is learned behavior, which means it can be widened at any age. Most people learn new skills the same way they learn anything else: by understanding the idea, trying it when stakes are low, and practicing until it is easier to reach for under pressure. Breathing and grounding skills, for example, work better in a hard moment if you have rehearsed them on an ordinary day.
Are some coping skills better than others?
Some are more likely to help over time, and some carry obvious costs, such as heavy drinking. But research has not found one strategy that works in every situation. Trying to solve a problem you cannot change can be as draining as avoiding one you could fix. Having several options, and noticing which one fits, tends to matter more than having one perfect skill.
How can counseling help with coping skills?
A counselor can help you see what you already do when stressed, which of those habits help and which cost you, and what to practice instead. Sessions also give you a place to try skills and talk through what got in the way. Laura Bass works with adults in Charlotte on coping skills; for details about how she works, ask Laura through the contact page.