What makes coping healthy or unhealthy?
Healthy coping helps you get through stress in a way you can keep using without it costing you your health, relationships, money or self-respect. Unhealthy coping gets you through the moment but adds to the load later. The National Center for PTSD, part of the US Department of Veterans Affairs, describes negative coping as using quick fixes that may make a situation worse in the long run.
That definition is useful because it does not ask whether a behavior is good or bad in itself. A glass of wine with dinner, an evening of television, a long run or a late night at work can all be perfectly fine. They become a problem when they are the only way you know to turn the volume down, or when you need more of them to get the same relief.
Why unhealthy coping is so hard to give up
Most unhealthy coping works in the short term. Alcohol does blunt anxiety for an hour. Avoiding the difficult phone call does make the afternoon easier. Staying busy does keep sad thoughts at bay. The relief arrives fast and the costs arrive later, which is the pattern that makes any habit sticky.
Behavioral therapists describe much problem behavior in exactly these terms. The Behavioral Tech Institute, which trains clinicians in dialectical behavior therapy, puts it plainly: problematic behaviors evolve as a way to cope with a situation or solve a problem, and while they may provide temporary relief, they often are not effective in the long term. Seeing a habit as an attempt to cope, rather than a character flaw, usually makes it easier to change.
Common examples of unhealthy coping
The National Center for PTSD lists several forms of negative coping. They are written for trauma survivors but apply to stress far more widely.
- Using alcohol or drugs to escape problems, sleep, or make feelings go away. Regular use can put relationships, work and health at risk.
- Avoiding other people. Pulling away can feel protective, but the Center notes it can leave you isolated, with problems that seem to build up.
- Staying constantly on guard. Always scanning for the next problem can leave you stressed, fearful and worn out.
- Avoiding reminders or shutting out feelings. This can reduce distress in the short run and make things worse over time.
- Anger, reckless driving and other risky behavior.
- Smoking more, gambling, overspending, restricting or binge eating, or chasing an adrenaline rush.
Quieter versions
Some unhealthy coping looks respectable. Overworking, endless busyness, perfectionism, people-pleasing, caretaking everyone except yourself, and hours of scrolling rarely draw criticism and can even earn praise. They can still be ways of not feeling something. Why you cannot slow down looks at busyness as a way of coping.
What does healthier coping look like?
The same VA center describes active coping: accepting the impact of what has happened and taking direct action to improve things. Its list of positive coping actions includes learning about your reactions, talking to others for support, practicing relaxation, doing pleasant activities, and talking to a doctor or counselor when coping efforts are not enough.
The NIMH's everyday self-care list covers similar ground: regular exercise, regular meals, sleep, relaxing activities, setting priorities, saying no to new tasks when you are overloaded, and staying connected. It also suggests paying attention to how caffeine and alcohol affect your mood, noting that cutting back can help some people.
- Calming the body directly: breathing and muscle relaxation.
- Coming back to the present when your mind is spinning: grounding techniques.
- Riding out a strong emotion without acting on every urge: managing overwhelming emotions.
- Replacing harsh self-talk: self-compassion.
How to shift from one to the other
Simply banning an old habit tends not to last, because the need behind it is still there. A more workable approach is to ask what the habit does for you and find another way to meet that need.
Start by noticing. When do you reach for the habit, and what were you feeling just before? Tired, lonely, keyed up, ashamed? Then try one alternative for that particular moment, such as a short walk or a call to a friend in place of the first drink after a hard day. Expect it to feel less satisfying at first. Quick fixes are quick, and the alternatives usually pay off over weeks, not minutes.
Be fair with yourself while you change. Self-criticism tends to drive people back to the habit that soothed them in the first place.
When coping has become a problem of its own
If drinking, drug use, gambling, eating or self-harm feels out of your control, or people close to you have raised concerns, that deserves direct help. A primary care doctor is a good first call, and they can refer you on.
Laura Bass works with adults in Charlotte, North Carolina, on coping skills and long-running stress through individual counseling. Some problems, such as physical dependence on alcohol or drugs, may need medical care as well; Laura does not prescribe medication, and questions about withdrawal or medication belong with a physician.
If you are thinking about harming yourself or are in crisis, call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. In an emergency, call 911.
Common questions
Is distraction a healthy or unhealthy coping skill?
It depends on how and when you use it. Distraction can be a sensible way to get through something you cannot change right now, such as a wait for test results or a sleepless night. It becomes unhealthy when it is the main way you handle a problem that needs attention, because the problem keeps growing while you look away. The National Center for PTSD lists pleasant, distracting activities as positive coping.
Is working a lot a form of unhealthy coping?
Hard work is not a problem in itself. It can become a way of coping when work is where you go to avoid feeling something, when you feel uneasy the moment you stop, or when it crowds out sleep, health and relationships. The question is less how many hours you work and more whether you could slow down if you chose to.
How do I stop using alcohol to cope with stress?
Notice when and why you reach for a drink, and plan another way to meet that need at those times. The NIMH suggests watching how alcohol affects your mood. If you drink heavily every day, find it hard to stop, or feel unwell without it, talk to a doctor before cutting back. The NIH's alcohol institute warns that withdrawal after long, heavy drinking can be life-threatening and may need medical help.
Can counseling help me change how I cope?
Counseling can help you see what your habits are doing for you, what they cost, and what to practice instead, and it gives you somewhere to talk honestly about setbacks. Laura Bass works with adults in Charlotte on coping skills and stress. If you would like to know whether her approach fits what you are dealing with, contact Laura and ask.