What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding you would offer a friend who was going through a hard time. Kristin Neff, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin who has led much of the research on it, describes it as being supportive toward yourself when you are suffering, whether the pain comes from your own mistakes and shortcomings or from life's challenges.
Instead of ignoring the pain or getting carried away by harsh thoughts, Neff suggests, you stop and acknowledge that this is really difficult right now, and ask how you might comfort and care for yourself in this moment.
Neff's three elements of self-compassion
Neff's model has three parts, each paired with its opposite. In a 2023 review in the Annual Review of Psychology, she describes self-compassion as increased self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness, along with reduced self-judgment, isolation and overidentification.
Self-kindness instead of self-judgment
Being warm and understanding with yourself when you fail or feel inadequate, rather than harshly critical. This does not mean pretending nothing went wrong.
Common humanity instead of isolation
Recognizing that suffering, failure and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. When things go wrong, many people feel they alone are failing; self-compassion reminds you that you are not.
Mindfulness instead of overidentification
Noticing painful thoughts and feelings clearly, without pushing them away and without being swept up in them. You cannot comfort yourself for pain you refuse to acknowledge.
What does the research say?
A meta-analysis by Angus MacBeth and Andrew Gumley, published in Clinical Psychology Review in 2012, pooled 20 samples from 14 studies that all used Neff's Self-Compassion Scale. They found a large association between higher self-compassion and fewer symptoms of psychological distress and mental health problems. That is a correlation: it shows that people with more self-compassion tend to report less distress, not that self-compassion alone causes the difference.
Neff's 2023 review describes a large and growing body of studies suggesting that self-compassion is a productive way of approaching distressing thoughts and emotions and is linked with mental and physical well-being. It also discusses structured programs designed to build it, including Mindful Self-Compassion and compassion-focused therapy.
As with any field built largely by its founders and their colleagues, it is worth holding these findings with some care. The broad picture, that harsh self-criticism tends to make struggle harder rather than easier, is consistent with what many counselors see.
Common myths about self-compassion
Many people resist self-compassion because they fear it will make them soft. Neff's site and her 2023 review address several of these worries directly.
- It is self-pity. Neff distinguishes self-pity, which involves "why me?" thinking, from self-compassion, which sees difficulty as part of the shared human experience.
- It is self-indulgent. Self-indulgence trades long-term well-being for short-term pleasure. Neff points to research suggesting self-compassionate people are more likely to exercise, eat well and get regular medical checkups.
- It will undermine motivation. Her review discusses research challenging the idea that self-compassion undermines motivation. Neff argues that people who are self-compassionate about past mistakes are more likely to take responsibility and try to repair them.
- It is the same as self-esteem. Self-esteem tends to depend on feeling special or succeeding. Self-compassion is available precisely when you fail.
How to start practicing self-compassion
Self-compassion is a skill, and like other coping skills it grows with practice. A few places to start:
Expect it to feel unnatural at first, especially if you have spent a long time motivating yourself through criticism. That awkwardness is normal and tends to ease with repetition. It can help to practice in small, low-stakes moments, such as spilling coffee or missing a turn, before trying it with the mistakes and losses that hurt most.
- Notice your inner voice. When something goes wrong, what do you say to yourself? Would you say it to a friend?
- Ask what you would tell a friend. Then try saying that to yourself, even if it feels awkward.
- Name the moment. A simple phrase like "this is really hard right now" acknowledges the pain without drama.
- Remember you are not alone. Others have felt this way, made this mistake, faced this loss.
- Use touch if it helps. Some people find a hand on the heart or a hand on the arm calming; it is one of the practices Neff's programs teach.
- Ask what you need. Comfort, rest, a boundary, or action to change something. Neff calls the active, protective side of this fierce self-compassion.
Self-compassion and the rest of your coping
Self-compassion tends to make other coping easier. People who are hard on themselves often add a second layer of suffering on top of the first: not just stress, but shame about being stressed. Removing that layer frees up energy for managing overwhelming emotions, resting without guilt, and setting boundaries on your time.
Laura Bass works with adults in Charlotte, North Carolina, on coping skills, stress and finding a more balanced life. She works with the whole person, mind, body and spirit, and for clients who want it, that can include the spiritual side of how they treat themselves. Read about individual counseling or contact Laura.
If self-criticism has turned into hopelessness or thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out now: call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency.
Common questions
Is self-compassion the same as letting myself off the hook?
No. Self-compassion means being kind to yourself while still seeing clearly what went wrong. Neff argues that people who treat their mistakes with compassion are more likely to take responsibility for them, because they are not so busy defending against shame. Holding yourself accountable and treating yourself decently can happen at the same time.
Why is it easier to be kind to others than to myself?
Many people learned early that harsh self-criticism keeps them safe or productive, and the habit sticks. Others worry that self-kindness is selfish. Because self-criticism is so automatic, it often goes unnoticed until you deliberately listen for it. Practicing self-compassion usually starts with catching the critical voice and asking whether it is actually helping.
Who is Kristin Neff?
Kristin Neff is an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin whose research helped define self-compassion as something that can be measured. She developed the Self-Compassion Scale used in many studies, and with her colleague Christopher Germer developed the Mindful Self-Compassion training program. Her website, self-compassion.org, offers free guided practices and summaries of the research.
Can counseling help me become more self-compassionate?
It can help you notice the critical voice, understand where it came from, and practice responding differently, with someone who can point out patterns you may not see. Laura Bass works with adults in Charlotte on coping skills and stress. To ask how she might approach self-criticism with you, contact Laura.