How do you learn to relax when you have forgotten how?

Why can't I relax anymore?

If you have been busy and stressed for a long time, your body and mind have had a lot of practice at staying alert and very little at standing down. Relaxing feels foreign because it is out of practice, not because something is wrong with you. Many people find that the moment they sit down, the mind starts listing tasks, the body fidgets, and the urge to get up wins.

The good news is that relaxation is a skill, and skills come back with use. The aim at first is not deep calm. It is getting a little more familiar with slowing down, often enough that it stops feeling like an emergency.

What is the relaxation response?

The National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health, part of the NIH, describes relaxation techniques as practices that help bring about the body's relaxation response, which is marked by slower breathing, lower blood pressure and a reduced heart rate. It calls the relaxation response the opposite of the stress response.

The stress response is the body's fight-or-flight system, built to deal with a threat. When stress is long-term, Cleveland Clinic explains, the continued activation of that system causes wear and tear on the body. Relaxation practice gives the body regular chances to switch the other way. It does not remove the stress in your life, but it can lower the background level you carry through the day.

Ways to practice relaxation

There is no single right technique. NCCIH describes several, and different ones suit different people. It is worth trying a few for a week or two each before deciding what works for you.

• Slow breathing. NCCIH describes breathing exercises that focus on slow, deep breaths, also called diaphragmatic breathing. The NHS suggests letting the breath flow as deep into the belly as is comfortable, breathing in and out gently, perhaps counting to five each way, for at least five minutes.
• Progressive muscle relaxation. NCCIH describes this as tensing different muscle groups and then releasing the tension, one area at a time. It suits people who carry stress in their shoulders, jaw or back.
• Guided imagery. Picturing a calm place or scene in detail and letting the body follow the mind's lead.
• Body scan. Moving attention slowly through the body and noticing sensations without trying to change them.
• Active relaxation. A walk without your phone, gardening, cooking without hurry, playing music, swimming. For people who cannot sit still, an absorbing activity is often an easier way in.

What if relaxing makes me more anxious?

This surprises people, but it is well recognized. NCCIH notes that relaxation techniques are generally considered safe for healthy people, but that people occasionally report negative experiences such as increased anxiety, intrusive thoughts or a fear of losing control. For someone whose busyness has been holding worry at bay, the first quiet minutes can let it all in at once.

If that happens, it does not mean relaxation is not for you. Try shorter sessions, eyes open, or a more active form such as walking. Grounding first can help; grounding techniques describes simple ways to steady yourself. If relaxing regularly brings up distress you cannot settle, or memories of something painful, that is worth talking through with a counselor rather than pushing through alone. NCCIH also notes rare reports of some techniques worsening symptoms in people with certain psychiatric conditions or a history of trauma.

If quiet moments mostly fill with worry, why you cannot slow down looks at the link between busyness and anxiety.

Relaxation, sleep and the end of the day

For many busy people, the hardest time to relax is the hour before bed. The day's unfinished business comes back the moment the house is quiet, and lying down becomes the first time the mind has had to itself. A short wind-down practice can help bridge the gap between doing and sleeping.

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests sticking to a sleep schedule and reducing blue light from phones and computers before bedtime. A few minutes of slow breathing or progressive muscle relaxation in bed, or writing tomorrow's list on paper so it is out of your head, can make the shift easier. If worry keeps you awake night after night, anxiety and sleep looks at that pattern in more detail.

How to make relaxation a habit

The NHS suggests that people get the most benefit from breathing exercises when they do them regularly, as part of a daily routine. The same is true of relaxation generally. A few minutes most days tends to do more than an hour once a month.

Some ways to make it stick:

• Attach it to something you already do: after brushing your teeth, in the car before walking into the house, after lunch.
• Keep it short at first. Five minutes you actually do beats twenty you put off.
• Practice when you are only mildly stressed, not only in a crisis, so the skill is there when you need it. Calming your body when stress hits covers the in-the-moment side.
• Expect your mind to wander. Noticing and coming back is the practice, not a failure of it.
• Notice small changes: a slightly looser jaw, a quicker return to sleep, a little less snapping at people. Those are the early signs it is working.

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