Why does parenting bring up your own childhood?
Parenting puts you back inside the oldest relationship you know, this time from the other side. A child's crying, defiance, neediness or joy can stir feelings you have not felt since you were small. When those feelings are painful, they can come out as the very reactions you swore you would never have: yelling, shutting down, coldness, or fear that your child will get hurt in the ways you did.
Inner child work, a popular and informal term rather than one standardized therapy, offers a way to look at those reactions with curiosity. For parents, the question is less "what is wrong with me" and more "what did I learn about being a child, and what does that younger part of me feel when my own child is upset?" Answering that can make it easier to respond to the child in front of you rather than the one you were.
What do clinicians and researchers say about repeating patterns?
In 1975, Selma Fraiberg and colleagues published "Ghosts in the nursery," a paper about impaired infant-parent relationships. The phrase has stuck. In a later paper, Alicia Lieberman and colleagues at the University of California, San Francisco summarized Fraiberg's idea as the ways parents, by reenacting with their small children scenes from their own early experiences of helplessness and fear, can pass maltreatment from one generation to the next.
Lieberman's group added an important counterweight in 2005: "angels in the nursery." They described early experiences of being deeply understood, accepted and loved by a caregiver, and argued that these memories can give a person a core sense of security to draw on when they become a parent, helping to interrupt the cycle. Uncovering those benevolent memories, they wrote, matters in therapy as much as working with the painful ones.
Attachment research points the same way. In a 1995 meta-analysis, Marinus van IJzendoorn reviewed studies of the Adult Attachment Interview, which asks parents to talk about their own childhood. How parents made sense of those experiences was strongly related to their infants' attachment security and to how responsive they were to their babies. He also noted that researchers had only partial knowledge of how that transmission happens, which he called the transmission gap. Patterns tend to carry forward; they are not destiny.
Signs an old pattern may be showing up in your parenting
These are common experiences for parents, not diagnoses. Most parents recognize some of them on a hard day.
- A reaction that is much bigger than the moment, such as rage over spilled milk, or panic when a child is a little late.
- Hearing your own parent's words or tone come out of your mouth.
- Feeling unusually triggered at one particular age or stage, often one that was hard for you as a child.
- Finding it hard to comfort a crying child because nobody comforted you.
- Overcorrecting: being so determined not to be strict that you struggle to set any limits, or so determined not to be neglectful that you cannot let your child struggle a little.
- Strong guilt after ordinary parenting mistakes. Parent guilt looks at this.
What can parents do on their own?
Small, regular attention often goes further than a big effort. Some ideas parents use for gentle reflection:
- Notice your flashpoints. After a hard moment, ask what was happening in your body, and what the moment reminded you of.
- Pause when you can. A breath, a step back, or "I need a minute and then we will talk" gives the adult part of you time to catch up. Staying calm when your child pushes your buttons has more on this.
- Repair afterward. Telling a child "I yelled, that was not okay, and I am sorry" teaches them that relationships can recover from rupture, which many parents never saw growing up.
- Look for your own angels. Think of anyone, a grandparent, teacher or neighbor, who made you feel truly seen as a child, and what they did.
- Talk with your co-parent. Each of you brings a different childhood to the job. When you and your partner parent differently can help with that conversation.
When reflection gets too heavy
If looking at your childhood brings up memories of abuse or neglect, nightmares, numbness or feelings that knock you off balance for days, it is a sign to slow down and get support rather than push through alone. Inner child work and trauma explains why pacing matters.
Your own parents, now
Doing this work often changes how you feel about your own parents, and that can be complicated when they are still part of your life, perhaps as grandparents to your children. You may feel new compassion for the pressures they faced, new anger at what happened, or both on the same day.
You do not have to confront your parents, forgive them on a schedule, or cut them off to do inner child work. Some parents decide to have a direct conversation; many simply set clearer limits, such as how discipline is handled when the grandchildren visit, while keeping the relationship. Others find that a parent has changed and can now offer something they could not before. What matters is that the choices fit your family and protect your children's safety.
If a grandparent's behavior is unsafe for your children, that is a matter for firm limits now, not for patient reflection. Parenting stress and burnout covers how family pressures add to the load.
Breaking a cycle is also about what you build
The CDC describes adverse childhood experiences, such as abuse, neglect, violence at home or a parent's substance use or mental health problems, and notes that their effects can be passed on to the next generation. Its prevention guidance puts the emphasis on creating safe, stable, nurturing relationships and environments, and encourages parents to ask for help when raising children is difficult.
That framing is a kind one. It means a parent's job is not to be flawless or to have had a perfect childhood. It is to keep building safety and warmth, and to repair when things go wrong. Doing your own inner work is one way parents choose to invest in that, alongside rest, support from other adults and practical help.
Inner child work for parents with Laura
Laura Bass works with adults, and in parenting work she works with the parents, not the children. She offers inner child work as part of individual counseling in Charlotte and at her part-time office in Columbus, NC, near Tryon, and her counseling for parents and new mothers page describes the wider parenting support she offers. Clients who want it can bring mind-body-spirit work alongside counseling, always by their own choice.
Each parent's pace and experience is different, and no approach can promise how it will go. If you would like to know how Laura might work with your particular concerns, ask Laura. The parenting and postpartum guide and the inner child work guide have more.
Laura Bass Counseling is not a crisis service. If you or your child are in danger, call 911. If you are in crisis, frightened you might hurt yourself or your child, or thinking about suicide, call or text 988.
Common questions
Do I have to look at my childhood to be a good parent?
No. Many parents do well without ever doing formal inner work. It tends to be most useful when you notice reactions that feel out of proportion, keep repeating patterns you dislike, or find a particular stage of your child's life unexpectedly painful. In those cases, understanding where the reaction comes from can give you more choice about how you respond.
I already repeated some of my parents' mistakes. Is it too late?
Children do not need perfect parents, and repair counts. Acknowledging a mistake, apologizing and doing something different next time is itself a break from many old family patterns. Researchers describe the passing on of patterns as a tendency, not a certainty. Children of all ages, including adult children, can benefit when a parent takes responsibility.
Does Laura see children or teens?
No. Laura works with adults 18 and over. In parenting concerns she works with the parent or parents, helping with their own stress, history and reactions. If your child or teen needs counseling of their own, a pediatrician or school counselor can often help you find a child or adolescent therapist.
Can inner child work help with postpartum feelings about my own mother?
Becoming a parent often stirs up strong feelings about your own parents, from new appreciation to grief or anger. Exploring those feelings can be part of counseling. Postpartum depression and anxiety are medical conditions that need proper assessment, though, so if you are struggling after a birth, see baby blues or postpartum depression and talk with your doctor.