Should you tell your children about an affair?
In most cases, children do not need to be told that there was an affair. What they need is honest, age-appropriate information about what is changing in their lives, reassurance that they are loved, and reassurance that the problems between their parents are not their fault. The reasons are adult business. That is consistent with guidance from the American Academy of Pediatrics on talking to children about separation, which advises against sharing messy adult details.
There are exceptions. Older teenagers sometimes already know, or will find out. Some affairs become public in a small community or school. When that happens, the question shifts from whether to tell to how to acknowledge what a child already knows, which is covered below.
Principles that apply at every age
The advice from pediatric and child-development sources is strikingly consistent. These points come from the American Academy of Pediatrics' HealthyChildren.org, ZERO TO THREE and North Dakota State University Extension, all written about separation and divorce, and they apply just as well to the tension that follows an affair.
- Tell them together if you can, calmly, and agree beforehand on what you will say.
- Make clear, repeatedly, that the problems are adult problems and that nothing the child did caused them.
- Tell them what will change and what will stay the same: where they will sleep, school, routines, pets.
- Reassure them that both parents love them and will keep taking care of them.
- Do not criticize the other parent in front of them, or share adult reasons for the conflict.
- Make sure children cannot overhear adult arguments, including on the phone.
- Never make a child a messenger between parents, and never ask them to take sides.
- Expect to repeat the conversation; children take in hard news in pieces.
What to say, by age
These are general guides. Children differ, and a thoughtful parent's sense of their own child matters more than any list.
Toddlers and preschoolers
Very young children need short, simple, concrete statements, repeated often. ZERO TO THREE suggests explaining what will actually happen, for example which house they will sleep in and who will pick them up, and not discussing each other's faults or giving adult reasons. Young children may worry about being abandoned, so reassure them directly that both parents will always love and take care of them. Keep routines as steady as you can.
School-age children
Children in early elementary school often blame themselves or hope their parents will get back together. NDSU Extension's guide describes reactions such as clinging, tantrums, trouble concentrating at school, and sleep problems, and recommends physical comfort, reassurance and predictable routines. Older school-age children may worry about loyalty to each parent. Tell them plainly that they do not have to choose, and that loving both parents is right.
Teenagers
Teens usually want more information and may ask directly what happened. The AAP's guidance notes that teens are likely to want more detail about how changes will affect their lives, and recommends calm, open conversations while keeping normal expectations for their behavior. You can be honest that there has been a serious breach of trust between you without describing the affair. If a teen asks directly whether there was an affair, lying tends to damage their trust in you when the truth comes out; a brief, non-blaming acknowledgment is usually better than a denial.
If your child already knows
Children sometimes find messages, overhear arguments, or hear about an affair from others. If that has happened, acknowledge what they know without adding detail. Something like, Yes, one of us broke a promise to the other, and we are working out what happens next; you did not do anything to cause this, and we both love you, is often enough.
Do not ask a child to keep the affair secret from the other parent, from siblings or from anyone else. Secrets put children in an adult position and can leave them feeling guilty whatever happens. It also helps not to probe them for information about the other parent.
A child who found out on their own may be angry at one parent, protective of the other, or both. Let them have their feelings without recruiting them to your side. Over time, they will need to keep a relationship with both parents if it is safe for them to do so.
Signs a child may need more support
Some upset is normal and expected when a family is under strain. The AAP suggests talking to your pediatrician or a mental health professional if changes in a child's behavior become severe or do not settle. Things to watch for include:
- Persistent trouble sleeping, eating, or with school
- Withdrawal from friends or activities they used to enjoy
- Aggression, or a sharp change in behavior
- In teens, risky behavior, substance use, or signs of depression
- Any talk of self-harm, which needs a same-day response
In an emergency
If a child or teen talks about wanting to die or harm themselves, take it seriously. Call or text 988, which serves young people as well as adults, and if anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.
Getting help as parents
It is hard to talk calmly to children when you are in the middle of your own shock and grief. Many parents find it helps to plan the conversation with a counselor, or to agree on a script together first, even if the two of you agree on little else. If you are in the first days after discovering an affair, it is usually wise to wait before talking to children until you know what you will say.
Laura Bass works with adults and older teens. She offers infidelity counseling and couples counseling in Charlotte, which can include planning how to talk to children. For younger children who are struggling, your pediatrician can suggest a child specialist. For the wider picture, see should I stay after infidelity, what happens in infidelity counseling, and the infidelity recovery guide.
Common questions
Is it ever right to tell children about the affair?
Sometimes, mostly with older teens who ask directly or already know, or when the affair has become public. Even then, a short acknowledgment without details, and without blaming, is usually enough. What children need most is to know they are safe, loved and not responsible. It can help to agree with the other parent, or with a counselor, before saying anything.
My partner wants to tell the kids what they did. What should I do?
Wanting children to know the truth is understandable, especially when you feel wronged. Child-development guidance consistently warns against sharing adult reasons or criticizing the other parent in front of children, because it puts them in the middle. Consider waiting until the first shock has passed and talking it through with a counselor. Children can be told honestly about changes without being told about the affair.
Should we stay together for the children?
Children do best with stability, warmth and low conflict between the adults who care for them, and those can exist whether parents stay together or separate. Ongoing open conflict is hard on children either way. That makes it a factor in your decision, not the answer to it. Should I stay after infidelity looks at the wider decision.