What happens in infidelity counseling

What is infidelity counseling?

Infidelity counseling is talk therapy for the aftermath of an affair. It can be for the partner who was betrayed, the partner who had the affair, or both together. Its aim is to help people get through the crisis, understand what happened, and make a clear decision about the relationship, whether that is to rebuild or to separate. It is not a technique for saving marriages at any cost.

Most counselors who do this work draw on research-based approaches to couples therapy. Common influences include the integrative affair-recovery model developed by Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom and Kristina Coop Gordon, the Gottman Method developed by John and Julie Gottman, and Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Sue Johnson and grounded in attachment theory. Many counselors combine elements of several.

The early sessions: stabilizing

In the first sessions, the focus is usually on the crisis itself rather than on why it happened. Snyder, Baucom and Gordon call this stage absorbing the blow: limiting further damage and restoring some equilibrium. In practice, that often means:

• Checking safety, including whether anyone is at risk of harm, and whether couples work is appropriate at all.
• Clarifying whether the affair has ended and what contact, if any, continues.
• Agreeing how and when the couple will talk about the affair at home, so conversations do not spiral every night.
• Helping the injured partner with overwhelming symptoms such as intrusive thoughts and sleeplessness.
• Beginning to work out what questions need answers, and how much detail will help rather than harm.

The middle of the work: understanding

Once things are steadier, the work usually turns to meaning. How did the affair come about? What was happening in the relationship, in each person's life and history, and in the circumstances around them? What did the affair provide? The aim is an account both partners can recognize. Understanding is not excusing, and a good counselor will keep responsibility for the choice where it belongs.

This stage often involves hard conversations about the relationship before the affair, including patterns such as emotional distance, conflict that never gets resolved, or one partner pursuing while the other withdraws. Those patterns are explored in the couples communication library, for example in the pursue-withdraw cycle.

Later sessions: deciding and moving forward

Eventually, couples look at forgiveness, what they each want, and whether to rebuild. For couples who choose to stay, the work turns to building a relationship with more honesty and connection than before: the Gottman Institute calls these phases attune and attach. For couples who decide to separate, counseling can help them part with less damage, especially where there are children.

Snyder, Baucom and Gordon describe the final stage as reaching an informed decision about the relationship, not as reaching reconciliation. Forgiveness after infidelity and the stages of affair recovery go into this in more depth.

Individual and joint sessions

Infidelity counseling does not have to start as couples work. Many people come alone first, some because their partner is not ready and some because they want to think before deciding anything. Joint sessions are common when both people want to work on the relationship, often with some individual sessions alongside.

Individual sessions raise a real question: what happens to something one partner tells the counselor privately? Counselors handle this differently. Some keep individual information confidential, some will not keep secrets that affect the couple work, and some agree a policy in advance with both partners. It is a good question to ask before any individual sessions. Laura Bass's infidelity counseling page says she will be explicit about how she handles information shared individually before any such sessions are arranged.

What the research says

Research on counseling specifically for infidelity is limited, and most studies are small. The findings are encouraging rather than conclusive. In a 2004 study of an integrative treatment for couples recovering from an affair, most of the six couples who completed it were less distressed by the end, and the injured partners reported more forgiveness. In a 2005 analysis of couples in a larger clinical trial of couples therapy, couples dealing with an affair began more distressed than others, but those whose affair had been revealed made substantial gains.

None of that predicts what will happen for a particular couple. Anyone who says counseling is certain to keep your relationship together, or to stop an affair ever happening again, is claiming more than the evidence allows.

Questions to ask a counselor before you start

It is reasonable to ask a few questions before you book, and a good counselor will be glad to answer them.

• How do you approach infidelity, and which methods do you draw on?
• Do you see partners individually as well as together, and how do you handle information shared privately?
• What is your view on whether couples should stay together after an affair?
• How do you handle questions about how much detail to disclose?
• What happens if one of us decides partway through that we want to separate?
• Practical questions: session length, fees, insurance, and whether sessions can be held remotely.

Infidelity counseling with Laura Bass

Laura Bass offers infidelity counseling and couples counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina, for individuals and couples, and she does not steer toward staying or separating. For practical details such as session length, fees and scheduling, ask Laura through the contact page. The infidelity recovery guide has the full set of articles, and what the partner who had the affair can do covers the early work outside sessions.

Common questions