Parenting while depressed or anxious

How do depression and anxiety affect parenting?

Depression and anxiety mostly affect parenting through energy, patience and attention. A depressed parent may feel flat, slow and far away, struggle to get through the basics, and have little left for play or conversation. An anxious parent may be tense, distracted by worry, quick to snap, or overprotective, scanning for danger and finding it hard to let children take ordinary risks.

Neither condition means a parent loves their children less, and most parents with depression or anxiety keep caring for their families every day, often at great effort. The National Institute of Mental Health notes that depression is one of the most common mental disorders in the United States and can cause symptoms that affect how you feel, think and handle daily activities. Like anxiety disorders, it is treated with talk therapy, medication or both.

Signs it may be more than a rough patch

Every parent has hard weeks. It may be worth talking with a doctor or counselor if several of these have been true most days for two weeks or more, or if anxiety has been running your life for months.

• A low, empty or hopeless mood that does not lift with good days.
• Losing interest in things you used to enjoy, including time with your children.
• Exhaustion, changes in sleep or appetite, trouble concentrating.
• Irritability or anger that is new or much worse than usual.
• Constant worry you cannot switch off, physical tension, or panic.
• Feeling like a burden, or that your family would be better off without you.

Does a parent's depression affect children?

Research has long found that children of depressed parents have higher rates of anxiety, depression and behavior problems. That finding can feel like one more weight for a parent who is already struggling. The more useful part of the research is what happens when the parent gets help.

In a study published in JAMA in 2006, Myrna Weissman and colleagues followed 151 mothers being treated for depression and their children aged 7 to 17. When the mothers' depression went into remission after three months of treatment, rates of diagnoses in their children fell by 11%; when it did not, rates in the children rose by about 8%. The researchers concluded that remission of a mother's depression has a positive effect on both mothers and their children.

That study looked at mothers treated with medication, so it does not tell us everything. But the message parents take from it is sound: looking after your own mental health is not selfish. It is part of looking after your children.

What should I tell my children?

Children notice when a parent is low or on edge, even when nothing is said, and they often fill the silence with their own explanations, including that it is their fault. A short, honest explanation matched to their age usually helps more than hiding it.

• Name it simply: "I have been feeling sad and tired a lot. It is an illness called depression, and I am getting help for it."
• Say clearly that it is not their fault and not their job to fix.
• Tell them who else they can go to: the other parent, a grandparent, a teacher.
• Keep routines as steady as you can. Predictable meals, bedtimes and small rituals do a lot of work on hard days.
• Make room for short moments of connection rather than waiting for the energy for big ones. Ten minutes of reading together counts.

Practical ways to get through the hard days

When you are depressed or anxious, parenting at your usual standard may not be possible for a while. That is a reason to adjust the standard, not to keep failing it.

• Decide what the non-negotiables are, such as food, safety, school and affection, and let the rest slide for now.
• Ask for specific help: a school pickup, a meal, an evening off.
• Protect sleep where you can, and move your body a little each day.
• Notice the self-critical voice. Parent guilt looks at why guilt and shame make things heavier.
• If irritability is spilling into yelling, staying calm when your child pushes your buttons has in-the-moment steps.
• If your exhaustion is specifically about parenting, parenting stress and burnout may describe it better.

Getting help, and what to do in a crisis

Talk therapy, medication or a combination can all help with depression and anxiety, and many people use more than one. Laura Bass does not prescribe medication; if you want to talk about medication, start with your primary care physician or a psychiatric prescriber. Therapy, medication or both for depression explains the options.

If you are thinking about ending your life or are in crisis, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you or your child are in immediate danger, call 911.

How counseling can help

Laura Bass works with adults on depression and anxiety, and with parents who are trying to manage their own mental health while raising a family, at Laura Bass Counseling in Charlotte. See individual counseling or psychotherapy and counseling, the wider depression and anxiety guide, the parenting and postpartum guide, or contact Laura.

Common questions