Why do people have affairs?
People have affairs for many reasons, and usually for more than one at once. Research has identified motives as varied as feeling neglected or angry at a partner, having fallen out of love, low commitment, wanting to feel desirable or important, wanting sexual variety, and situational factors such as stress or drinking. Opportunity, like work, travel and private time online, plays a part too.
What research does not support is the idea that an affair is always a symptom of a bad relationship, or that the partner who was betrayed somehow drove it. The person who had the affair made a choice. Understanding the context can help a couple recover, and it can help the person who strayed avoid repeating it. It does not shift the responsibility.
What motives do people report?
A study by the psychologists Dylan Selterman, Justin Garcia and Irene Tsapelas, published in the Journal of Sex Research in 2019, asked 495 people, most of them young adults, about infidelities they had committed. The researchers confirmed earlier findings that dissatisfaction, neglect, anger and sexual desire are common motives, and identified several more.
- Lack of love: having fallen out of love with the primary partner.
- Low commitment: not feeling very committed to the relationship.
- Esteem: wanting to feel more popular or desirable.
- Sexual variety: wanting a wider range of sexual partners.
- Situational: being drunk, stressed, or not thinking clearly in the moment.
Different motives, different affairs
In a follow-up analysis of the same sample, published in 2021, the researchers found that motives tracked what the affairs were like. Affairs driven by anger at a partner or lack of love tended to last longer and were more often followed by the end of the primary relationship. Affairs driven by situational factors such as stress or intoxication tended to be shorter and less often disclosed. A one-night lapse and a long double life are both betrayals, but they often raise different questions in recovery.
Personal, relationship and situational factors
A review of infidelity research by Frank Fincham and Ross May at Florida State University, published in 2017, organizes the factors researchers have studied into three groups: individual characteristics, features of the relationship, and the wider context. Demographics, religion, cohabitation and the role of the internet are among those discussed.
An earlier analysis by David Atkins, Donald Baucom and Neil Jacobson of a large national survey, the General Social Survey, found that what they called opportunity variables, including a person's income and work status, were linked to the likelihood of having had extramarital sex, alongside factors such as past divorce, education and age at first marriage. Opportunity does not cause an affair, but it helps explain why affairs so often begin at work, on trips or in private online spaces. When the affair was with a coworker looks at one common version.
Is it always about an unhappy relationship?
No. Many affairs do follow a period of distance, resentment or loneliness in the relationship. But a 2023 study by Selterman and colleagues of people registered on a website for arranging affairs found that, among people who actively sought affairs, low satisfaction, love or commitment in the primary relationship was not a major driver. The sample was unusual, and it describes people who went looking, not everyone who has had an affair.
The psychotherapist Esther Perel has argued, in her talk Rethinking Infidelity, that affairs can be less about the partner and more about the person having them: a longing for a different version of themselves, for aliveness or for something they feel they lost. Her framing is influential and also debated. It is one lens among several, and it is not a reason to dismiss the injured partner's pain.
How an affair usually develops
Very few affairs start with a decision to have one. A Gottman Institute article describes a cascade that John Gottman developed with the researchers Caryl Rusbult and Shirley Glass. It often begins with small moments when a partner feels they cannot count on the other, then unfavorable comparisons, turning to someone else, keeping secrets, and finally crossing a boundary at a vulnerable moment.
That description is useful because it shows how many choice points there are along the way. It also shows that secrecy is usually the turning point. Feeling lonely or attracted to someone is human. Hiding it and acting on it is the choice. Emotional affairs describes how this slide often looks when it starts as a friendship.
Understanding is not excusing
Couples recovering from an affair usually need, at some point, to understand how it happened. The couples researchers Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom and Kristina Coop Gordon build a whole middle stage of recovery around this, which they call giving meaning. The aim is an account both partners recognize, including what was happening in the relationship, in each person's life and in their circumstances.
Two cautions apply. First, timing: early on, explanations tend to land as excuses, so the why usually comes after the crisis has settled. Second, responsibility: problems in a relationship are shared, but the decision to have an affair belongs to the person who made it. Partners in unhappy relationships have other options, including saying so, asking for help, or leaving.
If you are the betrayed partner and find yourself searching for what you did wrong, it is worth knowing that research does not support blaming yourself. If you are the partner who had the affair, understanding your own reasons is important work, often best done first in individual counseling. Guilt and shame after having an affair covers that side.
Getting help to make sense of it
Laura Bass offers infidelity counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina, for individuals and couples. She does not decide for anyone whether a relationship should continue. For the wider path, see the stages of affair recovery and the infidelity recovery guide. If the discovery has left you in crisis, call or text 988, and if you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Common questions
Do people cheat because something is missing at home?
Sometimes, but not always. Research finds that neglect, anger and lack of love are common motives, and also that some people seek affairs while describing their main relationship as fairly good. Something missing at home can be part of the context. It does not explain the choice on its own, and it does not make the other partner responsible for it.
Was the affair my fault?
No. Every relationship has problems, and it can be useful later to look honestly at what was happening between you. But the decision to have an affair, and to hide it, was made by the person who had it. Many people in difficult relationships never cheat. Blaming yourself often adds shame to the injury and can make it harder to recover.
Will someone who cheated once cheat again?
No one can predict that for an individual. What tends to matter is whether the person takes responsibility, understands what led to the affair, ends it fully, and changes the conditions and habits that made it possible. Watching what someone does over time usually tells you more than any promise. Should I stay after infidelity looks at what to notice.
Why does the reason matter if the damage is done?
Because the reason shapes what needs to change. An affair that grew out of long loneliness raises different questions from a drunken lapse or a pattern of seeking validation. Understanding it helps the injured partner decide whether rebuilding makes sense, and helps the partner who had the affair avoid repeating it. It is usually a later conversation, not a first one.